I Change, Therefore I Am

Is it possible to change, and is it even a good thing?

It’s a question I have been actively exploring for a while now through self-observation, or rather self-reflection. Who am I today, and who was I 10 or even 5 years ago? Who did I think I would be, and who have I become? And who would I be if I had made other decisions in my life?

I Believe in Change and in the Progress That Comes With It

Unlike many people who think that people never really change and that we are some kind of given that can’t influence anything in our own lives, I am someone who deeply believes not only in change as such, but also in the inevitable progress that comes with it.

One evening, after the ritual of putting Sofia to bed, Marko and I were sitting in our new living room, as we do every evening at the end of the day, drinking tea and talking about all sorts of things. In that conversation I came to a realisation that had always been there, but that we had never fully put into words: in the Balkans there is a firm prejudice that “you’ve changed” is actually the worst insult anyone can throw at you. Rarely, almost never, does that remark acknowledge personal or material growth and development. On the contrary, the moment we step outside the frame of other people’s expectations, the easiest thing is to condemn us with the sentence “you’ve changed”.

I, on the other hand, think that “you’ve changed” is a compliment, not an insult. Only now do I understand the confused faces of the people I was talking to whenever they told me (and it happened more than once) “you’ve changed, you’re a real German now” or “you’ve changed, I don’t like your new haircut”.

A change that can be seen, or that others notice, is for me a sign that the work on myself has paid off.

The road to where I am now, both mentally and physically, certainly wasn’t easy. And thank God it wasn’t.

Thank God I’m no longer a silly girl full of prejudice towards anyone other and different. Thank God my first thought when I hit an obstacle is no longer “I can’t do it”. I am happy when I hug my Sofka while she is having a tantrum in the middle of a shop, even though before she was born I firmly rejected the possibility that my child could ever cry in public, and I thought that children who screamed outside were spoiled or badly brought up.

I am overjoyed when I see my “boyish” haircut in the mirror and feel so beautiful and powerful because of it, even though only 5 years ago the mere thought of cutting even 2 cm off my hair filled me with unease and fear. I love that I am no longer disgusted by the very thought of taking out the rubbish, because it is a household chore like any other.

I am so proud of myself that, from my initial thought “I will never learn German”, I have now been living in Germany for seven years, and not only do I speak it every day, I have also completed my master’s degree in it. I love enjoying the music of Đorđe Miljenović, even though I always “despised” Sky Wikluh (yes, they are one and the same person). I love that I can choose which language I’ll read my next book in. I can’t wait for the gyms to reopen, that’s what I miss most in these corona times, even though I used to be horrified by the very thought of working out…

The list of “little things” I notice in myself is too long to fit into one text. But the point is the same – I change, therefore I am.

And I can’t wait to see how much more I will have changed when I look back in a few years at the person I am today.

Why Are People Afraid of Change?

Change is, above all, stepping out of familiar boundaries. The simplest equation in people’s heads is: familiar = safe, change = unsafe?

So it is “scary” to change a job you have been doing for a long time, because you feel safe there. It is “scary” to change the city you have lived in so far, not to mention the country. It is also “scary” to change your circle of friends. But why should it be?

There are those people in our lives who always stay the same and are proud of it. With the same passion, they proudly retell stories from primary or secondary school over and over again and would give anything to go back to those times, “because we had such a cool time”. But what do these people know about you today? What do they know about your ups and downs, your problems or successes, your interests? Well, probably nothing at all.

Yes, it was nice back then, and that’s probably why we were friends. But that is over, and now we are making new memories and moving on, either by accepting each other as we are today, or by simply no longer being friends. I love remembering the “good old days”, but I wouldn’t go back to any period of my life for anything in the world, for the simple reason that I love the place in my life where I am right now.

I love my family; my independence; my freedom to be what I want to be; to dress the way I want; to read a book in a café, in the park or on the bus without anyone being appalled by it; to wear no make-up at all and feel better for it than with make-up; to be proud of my knowledge and keep building on it, instead of feeling less valuable or less “cool” because of my successes; to make mistakes and learn from them; to have someone by my side who constantly pushes me forward, and not someone who makes me feel guilty for being successful.

You Can’t Live on Memories

Yes, it used to be fun, and I gladly remember moments from the past. But you can’t live on memories! And relationships that are based on memories but are empty today are not something I want in my life.

Nature changes all the time, so why shouldn’t we?

Changing is not the scariest thing in the world. Try it, it’s easy and it feels incredibly good.

Don’t hold back your growth just because others expect you to always stay the same.

Allow yourself, and others, to change.

And let’s turn the insult “you’ve changed” into a compliment together. Believe me, it’s easier than you can imagine.

Warmly,

S-Mama