Motherhood is not for everyone, even though people often say it’s the most natural thing in the world – to bring a child into life.

Being a mother is a kind of blessing for anyone who wishes to fulfill themselves in that role.

But being a mother doesn’t end with giving birth. That’s only the beginning. Motherhood lasts a lifetime, and its legacy can reach even beyond that.

Yes, I want to be a good mother.

But what does it really mean to be a good mother, and how could I ever measure myself on some imaginary scale? Sofia will make her own judgments about that, probably more than once throughout her life. And that’s exactly how it should be, isn’t it?

My role is to give my best – to keep learning what it means to be a dedicated mother and to listen to my child.

I want to be a mother who is there for her child when needed, but without suffocating with constant presence.

I want to be a mother who loves unconditionally, not only when my child does something that meets my standards.

I want to be a mother who can say no – and who can also hear no from her child without losing her composure.

I want my daughter, when she grows up, to find her own path, wherever in the world it may lead.

I want to be a mother who understands.

I want to be a mother who is willing to learn even from her own child.

And of course, I know I’ll make mistakes – plenty of them. But mistakes are the best teachers, if we are ready to accept them and actively work to set them right, aren’t they?

As in other parts of life, sometimes it is more important to know what we don’t want than what we do.

I don’t want to be a possessive mother.

I don’t want to be a mother who blames her child for her own failures or frustrations.

I don’t want to be a mother who binds her child to herself at all costs, thinking: “I gave you life, so you owe me.”

I don’t want to be a mother who instills guilt through passive-aggressive behavior.

I don’t want to be a burden to my child.

I don’t want her to feel bad because of me – not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

I don’t want her to fear me, or feel that just because “I am her mother” she must obey my every wish – or whim.

I don’t want to put myself ahead of her, not now, and especially not in the future, when she may one day decide to start her own family.

It always angers me, that attitude so common in the Balkans: children are born under the weight of “I gave you life, so you owe me gratitude and repayment.”

Too often, the crucial truth is forgotten – sometimes deliberately – that having a child is the parents’ choice, not the child’s!

Read that again.

It is vital never to lose sight of this. Honestly, I doubt many children would willingly choose to be born into certain families or conditions. So let’s stop feeding that illusion.

We are the ones who decide to become parents. The responsibility lies with us, not with the children.

Yes, there should be respect between parents and children – both ways.

But in our culture, respect is too often mistaken for obedience. Parents see absolute obedience as the child’s way of showing respect. And that is so wrong!

Respect must be mutual from the very beginning – and even more so once the “child” grows independent and becomes their own person.

Yes, parents must respect their child’s needs, feelings, and even desires. Of course, that doesn’t mean indulging every whim – boundaries must exist.

But it does mean listening to our children and seeing them as persons from day one – which they are – not as servants there to obey our commands.

For example, if a child doesn’t want to hug some relative they’ve just met, we as parents should respect that boundary and protect them. They don’t know this person – why should they feel any closeness?

And no, children owe us nothing – not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

What we do for them, we do because we love them and want them to become good people, with a solid foundation to walk through life on their own. Not so that they can someday “pay us back with interest.”

I’ve heard close friends say: “I’d love to become independent, to move, to travel… but I love my parents.”

We are drowning in guilt and duty so deeply that we don’t even notice anymore.

That’s toxic, my friends.

Because parents who raise their children with a constant inner sense of guilt – even at the thought of doing something for themselves – are intentionally tying them down, keeping them under their control for life.

This way of binding a child is doubly toxic: the child never becomes independent, and lives on the parents’ back their entire life. Which also means that when the parents are gone, the child may not know how to manage on their own.

At the same time, parents use this bond to serve their own ends: “As long as you live under my roof, you will see who I tell you to see, come home when I say, love who I say, spend money the way I say, raise your children as I say – because I know best…”

I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s the 21st century.

Things must evolve beyond the primitive need of early communities to “stick together.” Today’s circumstances allow each person their own roof and their own peace. And that doesn’t mean everyone must build a house – there’s nothing wrong with renting.

I love my parents more than anything in the world, and I’m grateful they gave me a strong foundation to become the woman I am today.

But with all respect, I live my own life now – where I want, how I want.

Does that make me rude and selfish? To some, probably yes. To me, not really.

Love is one thing. It requires mutual respect and equality.

But possessiveness, guilt, and duty in any relationship mean one side is dominant, the other submissive.

“I keep you in a cage because I love you”?

“I won’t let you live your life because I love you”?

“You must be who I say you are because I love you”?

Do you see the contradictions?

Stop confusing the two!

Being indebted to someone – even parents or children – is not love. It is dependence, or control.

Let’s break that vicious cycle.

Let’s stop raising dependent children, and instead raise independent people.

Let’s take responsibility for our own lives and comfort, because that is within our power and duty – never anyone else’s.

And that is the kind of mother I want to be for Sofka.

To keep a shield between generational burdens and my child – even though my own burden is much lighter, thanks to my mother.

So that my Sofka may be even freer than I ever was.

That is the kind of mother I want to be – and I am working to make it real.

And you?

Sincerely,

S-Mama