How Should a Woman Live?

How should a woman live? Does feminism mean that all the women in the world should live the same way, or not?

In my writing I often deal, directly or indirectly, with this and similar questions. It is very important to me to live and practise my feminism.

But sometimes life likes to put me to a practical test.

Maybe I live in my feminist bubble, surrounded by people with very similar views and ways of life to mine, so it really shocks me when I experience a situation like the one a few days ago.

Every morning I take Sofka to school and from there I head straight to work.

So one morning, as I watched Sofka walk into school and waited to wave to her one more time, as always, before I left, the mother of a girl in Sofka’s class came up to me.

After completely ordinary small talk, how are you and so on, she looked into the basket of my bike, saw Beni and asked me: “So you only have Sofia?”

I said: “As far as children go, yes, but I also have Beni.”

And she goes: “But Sofia needs a brother, when are you going to have one?”

Slightly shocked, I answered calmly and very sarcastically, the way only I can: “Well, she has Beni.”

I felt like I was about to explode, so I politely said I was in a hurry to get to work, but instead of taking the hint, she carried on without the slightest shame: “Oh, you work?”

I said yes, full time.

“And your husband?” she kept going.

I said he was working on his PhD and working part time.

“What do you mean? That’s not how it works, everybody knows the husband should work full time and the wife part time!”

Dead serious and almost offended by the way I live, that’s what she said to me.

As if I had upset the order of the universe with my family constellation, and it wasn’t enough that I insulted her by having “only one daughter” and not planning any more children, no, I also dared to work full time while my “poor” husband works part time.

To say that it took enormous strength and self-control not to explode on the spot would be an understatement.

But then, in a second, I realised that this was a battle I didn’t need to fight.

By explaining to her “in a hurry” everything she had managed to say wrong in just a few minutes, I wouldn’t change her opinion or her view of life and the world.

Because what is wrong for me is perfectly normal for her, and the other way round. And who am I to lecture anyone, right?

I also realised that she had helped me see that outside my glass bubble there are still many women who think, live and expect others to live in the same way of life that, for me, is long outdated.

So I just smiled, said: “Sorry, I’m in a hurry to get to work” and pedalled off, with a bitter taste in my mouth that followed me all day.

I firmly believe that the point of feminism is that every woman, without exception, should live her life the way she wants, not the way others, society or men expect her to.

And that is exactly why it matters to me to be loud and to write about the topics I write about.

But I have also learned to let go. Because not only do I not want to judge the woman I talked to, I don’t want to judge the women who share her opinion either.

We are far from any kind of equality or progress as long as we keep telling each other how the other one should live.

It is not my aim to paint her in a bad light or to point out where she is going wrong in her life. As long as she chooses for herself by which standards she lives, fine by me.

On the contrary, the point of feminism is that everyone has the right to live their life the way they want, but not to impose it on others.

For me, the problem starts when someone else (read: patriarchal society, a male partner or a family member) imposes rules on you that you have to follow. In those situations I don’t stay silent, and I never will. But that’s a topic for another day…

So the lesson we should all take from this post is:

Next time someone doesn’t live by your standards, bite your tongue, because you don’t have to lecture anyone, just as you wouldn’t like anyone to lecture you.

Because that is the true sign of freedom of choice.

You do you.

But in the same way, let me be me.

Warmly,

S-Mama