Social Pressure and Expectations: How Much of You Is Really You?

Have you ever asked yourself which of your beliefs, habits and expectations are truly part of you, and how much of it is actually other people’s expectations? We are social beings, and of course from the moment we are born we are shaped by our parents, the people around us, society, school… and the list goes on and on.

Yet it often happens that we hold certain beliefs per se, without ever questioning them, because they somehow go without saying. And the moment we start actively thinking about them and questioning them, we realise that they aren’t really part of what we want for ourselves, or of what we can realistically expect of ourselves. They were simply planted in our minds.

What Does Society Expect of Us?

So, for example, we all have to find a life partner by a certain age, one we of course must not simply live with without being married (and who, of course, has to be of the opposite sex), spend our whole life with him or her and, in due time, have at least two children.

Then, of course, there is success at school, modest behaviour and good manners. For women especially, it is taken for granted that they are good wives and excellent housewives who not only keep the house spotless but also cook better than Jamie Oliver himself, whose children are perfectly behaved (they never protest, never scream, never cry and never do any of the things other children do), who look like top models, must never gain weight but must never look too thin either, and I could go on until tomorrow listing everything a woman “must” do.

But in fact, we don’t have to do anything! And since we don’t have to do anything, we also don’t have to question or judge others because they do some of these things differently. Live and let live. Simple as that.

Or is it?

Why does a smart, beautiful, educated young woman in her mid-twenties have to have a partner, whom she will soon have to marry, too?

Why does a young couple have to start “delivering” children right after moving in together, and deliver them to the family and to society, no less?

Why do we, as a society, put so much pressure on each other, just to show how right or how superior we are?

Let’s be clear, we didn’t invent any of this. Many of the things I mention here have been researched in sociology and social psychology as well as in feminist theory, so I haven’t reinvented the wheel either, and I know it. But the fact that something exists and is the way it is doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it or rebel against it.

I did get married at 23, and that fact alone was a “problem” back then. “Why” was the question I was asked most often. Everyone had their own theory, of course: that I was pregnant, that I was marrying for the papers, that I was too young, this, that (I probably can’t even imagine how many theories there were, and I don’t care anyway). Hardly anyone spared me the unnecessary questions and comments and was simply happy for me.

Then, of course, came the question: when is the baby coming?

And as soon as we had Sofka, it was “and when is the second one coming?”

And how long will this go on?

How long are we obliged to live up to the expectations of the people around us, when those same people know nothing about us or our lives?

Is it a sin not to want more than one child, or is it a bigger sin to want five?

Is it wrong to be single and happy with yourself, and right to be in a relationship that doesn’t work, just so people can say you’re not alone?

Is it so wrong for a woman to want to be a mother and also earn more than her husband?

How Other People’s Expectations Cause Us Unnecessary Stress

Whether we like to admit it or not, all these expectations from the people around us, no matter how emancipated and educated we are, cause us unnecessary stress at some point, and, worst of all, they make us feel less valuable than we are.

Is that the point?

Nobody says, “Hey, well done for living on your own in a foreign country, nobody supporting you, studying and who knows what else.” Instead, everyone looks for the one thing you haven’t ticked off and clings to it, just so they can criticise you for it.

I’m not saying it’s any different for men, they face judgement and expectations just as much, but I’m not a man, so I can’t write about it first-hand.

If we run out of things to talk about, it’s better not to talk at all than to compare ourselves and point fingers at other people’s “mistakes”, which aren’t mistakes at all.

Because nobody is the master of someone else’s life, no matter how close and important that someone is to you. Enough justifying ourselves for no need and no reason.

This vicious circle has to be broken at some point. And why not now? Today! This very moment!

Let’s turn things around, so that whoever asks inappropriate questions and comments where nobody asked for their opinion is the one blushing with shame, and not the person who was asked.

Just stop. And it will stop.

Warmly,

S-Mama