Mom at Home, Mom at Work

Mom at home, mom at work: where does the role of “mom” begin, and does it ever end? Or, on my need to take care of everyone, always and everywhere.

On a perfectly ordinary day at the office, after the usual situation where a colleague complained to me that he had a headache and I automatically offered him at least three kinds of tea and two kinds of painkillers, another colleague asked me, completely casually:

So, Mima, what’s it like being a mom both at home and at work?

First I laughed wholeheartedly, because the two of us have such an easygoing relationship and joke with each other about all sorts of things. And then I stopped to think, and as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over me, I realized: wait, he’s completely right!

And no, it’s not really funny, or cute.

I’m someone who has always taken care of others.

As the older sister, of course I’ve looked after my sister all my life and always tried to be there for her and help her. That’s my duty as the older sister, isn’t it?

Then I became a mom, which means that I take on the care of my family, that is, of my child above all, because that’s what the role of a mom is, isn’t it?

My friends need me: Mima to the rescue!

My current job is helping people who have problems with software, and I’ve found my feet in that role really well, because, surprise surprise, I’m a natural at helping others.

At work I have great colleagues and a really good relationship with almost everyone.

A colleague didn’t sleep well: “hey, I have a great tea, want some?”

A colleague has a headache: “hey, I have ibuprofen in my drawer, want one?”

A colleague feels like he’s coming down with something: “hey, make yourself tea from fresh ginger and put some lemon in it, you’ll feel better instantly!”

Not to mention my open door and my always open ear for work and private problems. I often like to joke at my own expense that I unofficially run a counseling service at work.

That’s just my nature, I like being there for others and helping when I can. And I enjoy it.
That’s my superpower.

Or so I thought.

So Tobi’s comment wasn’t just cute to me, I took it as a kind of compliment. Hey, I’m the one who takes care of others, and it shows.

But then I read Dr. Gabor Maté’s book “When the Body Says No” and made a very painful discovery. No, my need to help others isn’t a superpower, it’s an obstacle.

Putting other people’s needs before your own isn’t a positive trait, it’s a sure path to suppressing yourself and your own needs, and a ticket to one of the autoimmune diseases…

Ouch…

A chronic people pleaser: that’s me

A slap in the face of sorts. And the need to take a hard look at myself.
In his book, Dr. Maté gives numerous arguments and examples in which I didn’t just recognize myself one to one, but also my mother, my grandmother and many mothers I know.

In one chapter Dr. Maté even says that many people put the needs of others before their own to such an extent that at some point the body can no longer tell where it ends and where others begin, which means it recognizes the needs of others as its own.

I love that part of me that selflessly helps others. Being kind and warm toward people really is a superpower, and it’s more than needed these days. In fact, it’s essential.

I’m not saying we should all walk around like grumpy old folks, frowning, or like cold robots who only look out for themselves. But even kindness and willingness to help others need to have limits, especially when you start neglecting yourself and your basic needs for the sake of others.

I’m talking about all the “should”, “it’s the right thing to do” and “never mind, I’ll do it”. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean, because we all do it.

It’s one thing to offer someone the tools to solve a problem themselves, and something completely different to jump in to rescue them and sort out the situation for them. I do both.

Let’s take our relationship with our own children as an example.

Modern psychology advocates that we shouldn’t rescue even our own children and solve things for them, but equip them with skills that will help them solve their problems on their own.

For example, a child is putting Lego bricks together, and one piece just won’t fit, no matter how hard they try. You can see that they only need to turn the brick and it will fall into place. The child starts getting very emotional and upset that they can’t manage it.

Instead of taking the brick and putting it in correctly, in that situation you should calmly say something like “yes, I can see this is frustrating you, so what do you think about trying a different way of getting that brick into that spot?”.

And boom, the child starts turning the brick this way and that, and click, it fits perfectly.

No lessons are learned if we take over and solve their problem with an impatient “never mind, I’ll do it.”

The same goes for adults, whether in private life or at work.

When a colleague asks “oh, could you please help me for a sec”, which between the lines means “right now, no matter what you’re doing at the moment”, instead of jumping in you smile and say

“sorry, I have to finish what I’m working on right now, and as soon as I get the chance, I’ll be glad to hear about your problem.”

And only when you’re done with your own task, you don’t go and solve your colleague’s problem and take his task on yourself, but help him find the solution on his own, or show him with an example how it’s done. But he has to do it himself.

Otherwise you’ll not only be so swamped with other people’s obligations and tasks that you won’t get to your own, but your colleagues will also think they can always delegate to you the things that are hard for them or that they don’t want to do.

And then it’s only a matter of time before you’re so swamped with work that you burn out, start feeling physically unwell and get sick.

That’s exactly why it’s important that we learn to set boundaries. And yes, you should be kind and ready to help, but first of all, we have to take care of ourselves.

That’s why Dr. Maté’s book wasn’t the only one that mattered for this realization; maybe even more so did Mel Robbins’ book “The Let Them Theory”, which gives very practical tools for how to set boundaries and simply let people be.

Simply: Let them.

Mom at work

I’m someone who overhears a colleague complaining that she doesn’t know if she’ll make it to lunch, she’s so hungry, and since I always have something to eat stashed away just in case, I automatically rush over to her with a protein bar and say “here, this will get you through to lunch”.

It’s all very nice, I know. And I feel good that I can help. But where is the line?

It’s one thing when someone asks you for help, and something else entirely when you “push” yourself in to rescue someone.

Yes, I’m a “super mom”. But do I have to be a super mom, always, everywhere and to everyone?

The painful truth is, no, I don’t.

And I know it will be very hard to learn to let go and stop running around like crazy. For my own good, I have to learn. Because I’m only Sofka’s mom.

And Mel says, and she’s completely right, adults don’t need to be rescued, and that’s exactly the main difference between adults and children. Adults should know how to rescue themselves, and if they don’t, they should look for help, but not have someone take things over for them completely.

Self-sacrificing mothers don’t complain

The role of the mother in the Balkan context, which we take on automatically when our child is born, looking at all the mothers around us, means identifying with the role of the victim:

let mom do it; I don’t have to eat, as long as there’s enough for you; I don’t need anything, you buy what you want…

This way of functioning is carved so deeply into our subconscious that we don’t know how, or don’t want, to put ourselves and our needs first, to the point that we would rather get seriously ill than have someone, God forbid, call us selfish.

And even then we don’t want to complain, so we won’t be a burden to others. Because we’re the ones who are supposed to be there for others and serve, because we are mothers.

My grandmother never once in her life complained about her health or the circumstances she lived in; she was always there for us, for my grandfather, for the whole family.

Just one day she casually mentioned that “her stomach hurt a bit”. Luckily, my dad took her to the doctor right away. Unfortunately, it was already too late. Only a few months later, she was gone.

That’s why I now can’t help but wonder: how would things have turned out if she had said “no” more often, if she had taken care of herself here and there, done something “selfish” that felt good to her, no matter what the rest of the family would say?

If she had gone to the doctor more regularly, or at least complained the first time she felt “something strange in her stomach”? Would she now be able to watch Sofka grow up and enjoy her?

And then there’s my mom, who suffers from every possible and impossible kind of allergy and a severe form of asthma. Now that I’m actively thinking about it, I realize that she actually has her worst asthma attacks exactly when she’s under a lot of stress.

But she’s a mom, and a strong woman, who also doesn’t want to worry anyone. But who, without fail, takes care not only of all of us, but also of her mother, her sister and her family, all her friends, relatives, cousins, neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances…

Everyone who knows my mom can confirm that they have never met a warmer person in their life. Always ready to help, whatever is needed. All the people mentioned above will always call my mom first, whatever they need, because they know she will always jump in to help that very moment.

My mom is good to everyone except herself. And her body is telling her so, screaming it.

And I don’t blame her, I finally understand. She was forced far too early to take on the role of the one who takes care of others, and she left herself on the shelf. Because she too is a mom, at home and at work, among friends and in the family, everywhere.

Of course I recognize in myself that I learned by her example. And I’m proud that I grew up and learned from such strong women, they are my idols. But I think it’s important, as in many areas of life, to stop and ask myself do I want Sofka to be like that too?

Do I want her to always put the needs of others first, no matter how important they are in her life or not, and in doing so passively put herself last.

Because we are strong women?

No!

We urgently need to change the narrative in which being a “strong woman” means being “a woman who stays silent and endures”.

When the body says NO

This is especially hard for women, because if we set boundaries and say no to someone, especially at work, we usually get labeled “grumpy”, “sharp-tongued” and other far from positive adjectives…

And that’s exactly where the problem lies. We learned to be nice and good and helpful to everyone even when it’s to our own detriment, because who wants people to think of them as a “witch” or a “bitch”.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but men don’t have this problem, at least not at work. They are labeled “decisive” in the same situations in which we are “bitches”.

I’m glad that at 35 I realized “early” that I have to stop.

That I have to learn to set boundaries and say “no”. Whether to Sofka, Marko, my parents, my sister, friends, colleagues.

I have to learn to say “no” when I know something won’t feel good to me, where until now I would always do it.

I have to stop jumping in and helping where no one even asked me for help.

I don’t have to, and I shouldn’t, rescue everyone, always and everywhere! I have to learn to let go.

And it’s hard for me to say no, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, because I don’t want to let anyone down, especially if my help is “necessary” and if I know an “easier way”.

And then one unspoken “no” after another, and surprise surprise, bam: migraine.

Where did that come from, I’m not under stress?

Well, that’s where!

A migraine is my body’s way of telling me “hello, enough”, when I don’t get it in time.

And that’s exactly why I want to learn to look after myself more, and be “mom to anyone and everyone” less.

The world won’t end if I don’t stick my nose into every pot. Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries are essential for mental and physical health.

I’m taking small steps. I don’t make any plans on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, those are my training days, and lately everyone knows it.

I can’t help everyone at work, especially not right here and now, because then not only do my own tasks suffer, but I also get stressed about it, both because I didn’t help my colleagues and because I didn’t get my own work done.

And what’s the result? A migraine, of course.

And then I’m neither able to do my own work nor to help others, because I have to lie in the dark and wait for the terrible pain to simply pass. And who benefits from that? Not me first of all, and then of course not anyone around me either.

Baby steps. At work I’ve started setting my status on my phone to “busy” so I can get my own work done instead of always being available to my colleagues.

The other morning, when I walked into the office, a new colleague asked me right at the door if I could help him with something quickly, and I hadn’t even taken my jacket off yet. I said “first of all, good morning, and second, if I find the time during the day, I’ll gladly help you, but I can’t right now, sorry”. Of course I don’t want to be unpleasant, and I can’t change my nature from the ground up.

But I have to learn to polish that “nice” nature of mine and, despite it, say “no, sorry”.

You’re not a bad person, or a bad mother, or a bad friend if you say “sorry, I can’t”. And no, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you can’t. “No” is a complete sentence.

I want my child to learn not to be there for others first and only then, if there’s time, for herself! Because if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one will do it for us.

Because I want to grow very old in good health and enjoy life, I have to learn not to be “mom” to everyone, all the time.

Above all, I have to learn to let go, to say no and to put myself high on my list of priorities.

It isn’t easy, but I’m determined to work on it and to learn.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Warmly,

S-Mama