Tantrums and Emotional Intelligence – Not Only in Children, but in Adults Too.

Every morning, Sofka and I walk together to her school through the quiet streets of our suburb.

That morning peace and silence are essential companions for us, as it’s our time – time we use to talk to each other in peace.

But one morning, we suddenly heard what sounded at first like superhuman screams.

“What is that, mommy?” Sofka asked me, surprised and a little scared.

I didn’t feel fear because I recognized each tone that could be heard.

No, no one was being tortured, robbed, or murdered. It was just the cries of a child between the ages of 2 and 5, who at that moment was having a tantrum.

Soon the sounds matched the picture, as from a side street came a mother, pushing a stroller in a hurry, and her toddler, screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to get out of the stroller.

The mother was probably rushing to drop off her little one at daycare to get to work on time.

I don’t know this woman personally, but I know her – I know every one of her current thoughts, her fear, and her frustration.

With all her strength, she was trying not to scream back at the already screaming child, pushing the stroller forward to get wherever she was going while also keeping the little one from falling out of the stroller headfirst – the child was in such a state that medieval monks might have described it as “possessed by the devil himself.”

I must have had a slight smile on my face because Sofka soon asked: “Mommy, what’s happening?”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, it’s nothing scary. The boy is just overwhelmed by a lot of emotions – he’s having a tantrum.”

“What are tantrums, mommy? That sounds really dangerous.”

“All kids have them when they’re little before they learn to express all their needs with words and to recognize their emotions.”

“It’s good I didn’t have them,” Sofka sighed with relief.

“Oh, but you did, very much so, my love,” I replied with a smile.

“Really?! Then how come I don’t remember it,” Sofka said, astonished.

And so, the topic of that morning’s walk to school was defined.

Why do children have tantrums?

Why does it seem like our generation didn’t experience tantrums at all?

You’re mistaken – we had emotions too, but due to the way we were raised, we had to swallow them and keep them under control. God forbid you showed an inappropriate emotion – what would people say? That’s why we’re where we are.

That’s why, in our thirties and beyond, we don’t know how to recognize basic emotions or how to deal with them – we’re confused. We don’t know whether we’re angry or sad, happy or excited – in other words, we haven’t developed emotional intelligence.

And our children, who are “allowed to have tantrums,” can already manage their emotions better than we can by the age of ten – they can even detect and name ours better than we do.

Children are our mirror – they learn by example

And we, the parents, are that example.

Children learn everything from us – not just what we say, but how we say it and how we react in certain situations.

So how can we expect them to manage their emotions by nature, when we ourselves don’t know how to do it?

Children aren’t machines that can be programmed, but people with feelings that they often don’t understand themselves.

As parents, we are responsible for our children, but not to ensure they appear “modest and well-behaved” to the world – rather, to understand their needs and help them fulfill them.

Coldness and authoritarianism are neither methods nor means to raise emotionally healthy people or relationships.

Just because you were raised that way doesn’t mean you can’t change the narrative and listen to your child instead of tradition or your surroundings. In our culture, it’s deeply ingrained to think: “He or she is doing this to spite me, just to embarrass me.” We threaten and punish children when they’re trying to handle their feelings – just because we can’t handle ours.

And when a child starts “screaming,” we don’t ask whether something might be wrong, whether they’re missing something, whether a need hasn’t been fulfilled or allowed.

No, we take it as a personal attack – on us, our personality, and worst of all, our parental authority. But no, they’re not doing anything to spite us.

Children are not evil by nature and don’t seek revenge, no matter their age.

It’s very possible that through behaviors you consider socially “unacceptable” or intolerable, they’re simply trying to get your attention – because they don’t know how else to do it.

The real reason children have tantrums is much simpler.

Between the ages of 3 and 5, they begin to feel various emotions without being able to distinguish or manage them. When those emotions pile up, they eventually explode as tantrums.

Younger children have tantrums – which are not outbursts of rage but attempts to cope with something they don’t understand, feelings they can’t yet name.

When those feelings (hunger, tiredness, need for closeness, or other dissatisfaction) build up, they are like ticking time bombs – it’s only a matter of when they’ll burst.

And no, it’s not the left sock being on the right foot, or the amount of butter on the bread, or the backpack being placed down with the left hand instead of the right – those are triggers. The real reasons lie elsewhere.

“If children aren’t allowed to experience the full wave of emotions (without adults saying ‘calm down,’ ‘that’s silly,’ or ‘you’re overreacting’), they never learn to process normal human emotions in a healthy way. Instead, they become emotionally immature adults who take their frustration out on the rest of the world.” (Robbins, p. 98)

In those situations when a child screams, the easiest thing to do – because we don’t know what else to do – is to scream along with them.

But that, as you surely know, leads nowhere other than to more frustration inside you. And no, you are not to blame – this is what we were all taught: a screaming child in public is automatically considered spoiled, and the parents incompetent.

How many times have you had that thought yourself? Yes, me too. But then I learned the hard way.

The tricky thing about tantrums is that you can’t predict them or schedule the time and place when they’ll happen.

If the emotional explosion happens at home – jackpot. That’s an environment both you and your child know and can control. For example, your child runs into their room, you follow, and the first thing you do is remove anything dangerous from their path. Then you stay close enough to make sure they don’t hurt themselves by jumping off the bed, the dresser, or another piece of furniture.

And the most important – and most difficult – thing to do: calm yourself, don’t react, and wait for the wave to pass.

It’s hard – at first it feels impossible – but believe me, it’s necessary. And when the storm passes, your child will look exhausted and either come to you for comfort or you go to them, hold them tight, and say: “Everything’s okay. Mommy/Daddy is here.”

I would always ask Sofka:

“Do you feel better now?”

And she would always answer with a sigh:

“Much!”

That’s when it’s time to talk.

Together with your child, try to find the possible cause of the eruption and identify and name the emotion that preceded it.

After a few such conversations, you’ll begin to notice improvement. After a tantrum, Sofka would say: “I think I was just really hungry, Mommy. Can I eat something now?” Or: “I’m really tired.”

Why is our calmness essential?

First and foremost, for our own mental and physical wellbeing. And then, so that the child receives a clear message from us – all feelings are okay, I’m here for you, and I love you.

“You let her get away with too much” is a sentence I’ve heard more than once – from people who usually interpret parental calmness during tantrums as a sign of parental weakness and child spoiling.

Yes, I allow her to feel all her emotions, to learn about them, and to accept them.

Yes, if that means letting her wear the pants that “feel good” instead of the ones I laid out for her, I allow it.

Many don’t understand our way of doing things and easily dismiss it.

I understand that – I used to think differently too, before I became a parent.

Theory is one thing – as are expectations – but reality is something completely different, and only when you experience it yourself can you truly understand.

Sofka didn’t cry as a baby because she was “spoiled” or “willful,” but because we had stayed too long at a café and it was long past her bedtime.

Or because we were in a rush to catch transportation, so we didn’t get to eat at home but planned to do so somewhere in town. And then – the bomb explodes, without plan or warning.

In such situations, the most important thing is to calm yourself first and remember – you are not the center of the event, your child is. And your attention should be directed at them.

After calming yourself and suppressing the urge to yell, threaten, or punish, make the space you’re in safe so the child doesn’t accidentally get hurt. Because no, they can’t control themselves in that moment – and it’s your job, as the adult responsible for this small being, to protect them. Maybe more than ever.

And when the storm is over – and it always ends, no matter how eternal it seems while it’s happening – don’t use that moment to finally let out your frustration.

No. That is your job as a grown-up and emotionally mature person – to show your child they are loved, that you are there for them, and that even if they don’t understand what just happened to them, they can always rely on you.

Because that’s the main role of a parent – not just to love, but to always be a safe place for your child.

Otherwise, you put your child and your relationship with them at risk. Words in a parent-child relationship are often empty and ineffective – but a hug when things are tough cannot be replaced by the sentence, “I’m always here if you need me.”

Tantrums in adults?!

This is also a kind of reminder for us adults that it’s not healthy to suppress emotions – neither when you’re small nor when you’re grown up. Mel Robbins dedicates an entire chapter in her book “The Let Them Theory” to how adults experience tantrums precisely because they weren’t allowed to when it was time to.

“Most adults are actually just eight-year-old children trapped in big bodies. The next time you’re with someone and you feel irritated by what they say or how they act, imagine the fourth-grade version of that person sitting in the same room with you. Because what you’re describing is someone with the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And whether we like it or not, that’s how most adults are.” (Robbins, p. 96)

What does that look like in practice? You have a bad day at work, come home, cry while telling your partner what happened, and they respond: “It’s clear who the boss is and who the employee is,” instead of hugging you and showing they care about your feelings and problems – they just sweep them under the rug.

The truth is – no one taught us how to deal with emotions.

To manage your emotions, you have to understand them and know how to process them in a healthy way. And in my experience, most people have no idea how to do that. “Emotional maturity isn’t something you’re born with or something that just happens. It’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a willingness to learn.” (Robbins, p. 97)

Just imagine how much easier your life would have been if, from the start, you had been allowed to say what bothered you or what you didn’t want to do.

To simply not wear the itchy sweater or the pants that pinch.

Instead, your parents carried small trophies on their backs called “I’m the parent, and it’ll be my way,” while you – visibly angry and upset – swallowed your rage and tears, counting the days until you could grow up and wear what you want.

How nice it would be if, for example, you could recognize when you’re tired and simply ask for a break. Instead of working beyond your limits just because it’s expected of you.

How many fewer “games” there would be in relationships if we had only learned to communicate – not to suppress our feelings or express them in harmful ways.

These are all “small things” that become part of us, learned behaviors that lead to major problems in adulthood. Not for the environment – because we’ve been trained to care more about what others think or expect – but for ourselves.

That’s why it’s so important to me to help my child, as much as I can, to learn her feelings, to express them, and to trust us – her parents and closest people – enough to share them with us.

That’s why it’s important for me to cuddle her when she needs it. To let her say no when she doesn’t want something. To ask for a “day off from kindergarten” or to refuse to wear a dress she doesn’t like.

The biggest mistake in such situations is to force a child to do something against their will – because in doing so, we send a clear message: it’s not what you feel that matters, it’s what’s expected of you.

But what they can absolutely gain from the entire experience is: No, I’m not alone – there’s always someone who is there for me, who truly sees and hears me.

And that feeling of safety is priceless – and lasts a lifetime.

Sincerely,

S-Mama