Yes, you read that right – my child is spoiled.
Or at least that’s how many people would describe the way we raise Sofka.

If I got one euro every time I heard a comment like that, I’d have enough money to never pay for coffee in cafés again for a looong, long time.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written on the blog about other people’s comments, society’s expectations, or sticking one’s nose into someone else’s business. And judging by everything, it certainly won’t be the last.

In order to understand why the label “spoiled” keeps coming up, I tried to break down the possible reasons, to make sense of the phenomenon.

Only children are spoiled

People tend to automatically label children without siblings as “spoiled.” Only children are apparently meant to be spoiled – heaven forbid that a child with siblings could also be spoiled.

In fact, when people try to “argue” why a child “should have a brother or sister,” the first thing on the list is usually: so they won’t be spoiled. Sofka doesn’t have a brother or a sister, so she meets the basic requirement to be spoiled.

Spoiled children get everything they want

Sofka partly fits this category too. When someone sees her room, they often exclaim enthusiastically, “This is a dream room!” And it is. Sofka has a lot of toys, that’s true. She can explain very well why she needs something, and Marko and I don’t have a problem buying her things (often because we want them, not because she asks). So yes, Sofia has (almost) everything she wants. Another box checked.

Spoiled children are too emotional

I’m afraid Sofka fits this one as well, without hesitation. Yes, she likes to cuddle with her mom and dad. When she’s sad, angry, or happy, she’s free to express her emotions in their full intensity – primarily so she can learn to recognize them and deal with them.

Because, believe it or not, children don’t come into this world with an operating system for emotions and behavior pre-installed. Parents are the programmers who not only install this software but also update it for years.

That’s why tantrums happen in children between the ages of three and six (more on that in a future text).

Looks like we have to check this box too.

Spoiled children are “undisciplined” and rude

Before I became a mother myself, I was far too quick to judge both familiar and unfamiliar children – often with the unspoken comment, “My child will never be like that” or “My child would never do that.” But as it usually happens, life quickly proves you wrong. Yes, my child has cried in public more than once. Yes, my child is absolutely allowed to say “no” to me. And no, I don’t think that makes her “undisciplined” or “spoiled,” but rather independent and self-aware.

In our culture, there is a deeply ingrained belief that children are “rude” and that they “do things on purpose.” This assumes that children are born bad and that it’s our duty to turn them into good people (usually through physical or emotional punishment).

But what kind of “good people” do they become when they grow up? How many of us struggle with self-confidence? How many of us have trouble recognizing our emotions, let alone expressing them? How many of us suppress everything for the sake of others or because it’s socially unacceptable? Too many, I’d say.

And yes, it’s much easier to yell at a child and punish them than to truly engage with them and ask, “What’s wrong?” or “Why do you feel this way?”

As I said in the title of this text, by Balkan social standards, my child is spoiled.

But we don’t live in the Balkans. And that in itself means learning different and alternative ways of raising children – ways that don’t include an “iron fist” or the “who’s in charge here” principle.

I don’t believe in spoiling, especially not when it comes to children. For me, it doesn’t exist.

What does exist are parents who dedicate themselves to their children and try to understand their feelings and needs. And parents who put their own comfort above their child’s needs. Simple as that.

What does it even mean that a child is spoiled?

And why is this label attached to children of financially stable parents or to children who express their emotions instead of suppressing them?

My view is that the myth of the “spoiled child” was invented by the same parents who find it easier to yell at their child to release their own accumulated frustrations; by those who say, “What does it know, it’s just a child”; and by those who find it easier to punish “unacceptable behavior” without ever asking why the child behaved that way in the first place.

In other words, parents by obligation rather than by choice. Because yes, many people become parents simply by bringing a child into the world, but being a parent goes far beyond biological connection or mere existence. The parental role is much more complex and requires active engagement.

I am a supporter of so-called “gentle parenting.”

The idea is to respect the child from day one as a person with specific needs and feelings, and to help them meet those needs and understand those feelings.

Culturally, appearance often matters more to us than substance – what others see and how they will judge us. And this applies directly to children too.

That’s why it’s easier to have a child who is “not spoiled” and who is always quiet and obedient, regardless of that child’s real needs. What matters is how it looks to others. Whether that state was achieved through threats, punishment, or even physical violence is considered less important.

To me, it is important.

It matters more to me that my child can freely tell me she doesn’t want to go to a café but would rather play at home with me – and that I don’t have to drag her away screaming while saying, “You’re going because I say so.”

This doesn’t mean Sofka doesn’t know boundaries or does whatever she wants. Of course not. But we enforce boundaries through conversation, calmly explaining why something isn’t okay or isn’t possible. There’s no yelling, no screaming – especially not in moments when she is loudly expressing her emotions.

Because experience has shown that when we explain things to her calmly, they stick. Yelling and power struggles have never proven effective.

And it’s crucial that your child sees you as a safe base, not as someone to be afraid of. That they understand that their behavior won’t change your feelings toward them – while also learning why certain behaviors aren’t desirable in the long run.

Does this mean Marko and I have never lost our patience or raised our voices at Sofka? Unfortunately not. But after such moments, we both felt terrible – and our behavior didn’t change hers at all.

That’s why we learned to put our own emotions and impulses aside when necessary. Because it’s not about us, it’s about her. Because we don’t want to send her the message: “Your behavior is unacceptable because I say so.”

Was it easy to reach this level of self-control? Of course not.

But as long as you’re alive, you learn – and the best lessons come from your own mistakes.

One thing is certain: when someone tells Sofka that she’s spoiled, she replies, “No, I am loved.”

Do you notice the difference?

Warm regards,
S-Mama