Stay-at-home mom or career woman? I started writing this piece while Sofia was still a baby, and somehow the right moment to finish and publish it never came — until a few days ago, when I talked to a friend who became a mom three months ago.

While she was telling me all about her adorable little daughter’s antics, we ended up on the topic of whether and when she’d go back to work: “I know she’s still little, but I’m not the type who can just stay home. That’s not me… And I know my heart will break in two having to leave her with a nanny… But…”

My friend hasn’t officially decided yet whether she’ll take the new job — one she could start as early as tomorrow — or stay home with the baby a while longer. And I understand her completely.

Splitting yourself in half, when ME divides into Me/Me and Me/Mom, is a real split, and every woman who decides to become a parent runs into it sooner or later. The only problem is that for many, that split never goes away, while others manage to make peace with it and quiet down one of those two Me’s — at least enough that it stops weighing on them day to day.

Very often, this split boils down to a “simple” choice — stay home with the child permanently, or follow your own goals, which are often closely tied to wanting a successful career in some field, but outside the home.

But is that choice easy?

And is it even possible to make that choice without ever regretting it?

Absolutely not!

We all like shaping our own views and habits, especially the ones we consider essential to holding on to our own, sovereign identity — and we assume that if we change any of it, we won’t be ourselves anymore.

When I was younger, I was convinced that nothing and no one on this earth would ever get in the way of my ambitions. I even used to be appalled by stories of women who never finished college, or who left their jobs for good to stay home with a child.

The moment you start to grasp that you’re going to become a mother — and even more so once you actually do, the moment the most wonderful being in the world arrives — your life changes. That’s when you realize your ego was too big, and that you aren’t the most important person in the world, which, on the other hand, doesn’t mean you’re not important at all.

Once I had Sofia, and once I’d grown up enough, I understood that we shouldn’t judge others just because they don’t fit our template for how life is supposed to be lived.

Stay-at-home mom? I’m a mom — but I’m also Mima!

Of course I struggled with that decision myself — keep studying and “chase” a career, or stay home so my child would have a present mother. I still catch myself doing it, even today. I often have this feeling that choosing one option means the other has to suffer to the point of being completely neglected. But it’s not really like that.

When Sofia was really little and I was still a semi-active student, I spent a lot of time at home, and most of the housework landed on my shoulders. Honestly, more than once I seriously considered becoming a full-time mom — I even believed it would fulfill me so completely that I wouldn’t need anything else.

That’s when I truly understood that the job of a woman who “just” runs the house and family isn’t easy at all. Quite the opposite! Ever since, I understand, believe in, and support every woman whose personal choice is to stay home.

In fact, I believe these women should be credited with work experience and some kind of pay from the state, because by no standard is their job any less important than that of a woman who leaves the house every morning and works all day.

I, however, realized I’m not the stay-at-home type, and the more years go by, the more I realize just how far from it I am.

Like my friend, and like so many women in this world, I love my daughter and my family more than anything, but I also love myself enough that I simply can’t reduce the meaning of my existence to my family and housework.

I love writing, reading, and expanding my knowledge in media studies. That’s me too, and I don’t want to lose that part of myself, because it makes me happy and fulfilled almost as much as my family does. The only difference is that it’s mine, and mine alone!

Career woman? If you work, does that mean you’re neglecting your child?!

I couldn’t disagree more!

As a little girl, it bothered me too that my mom had to go to work every day, and I could barely wait for her to come home. But that’s a child’s job — to want to be with their parents all the time.

Now that I’ve become a mother myself, I know it wasn’t easy for her either, to give up her round-the-clock presence in my life — and I admire her for still managing to follow her dreams and pursue her ambition.

But let’s be honest — my mom didn’t spend too little time with me, and I don’t spend too little time with Sofka either. Especially given how actively devoted we are to each other.

To me, it’s far better to have a successful, smiling mother — the kind you want to become yourself one day — than a mother who spends her whole life blaming you for not being able to be this or that because of you.

So, my dear Ivana, I understand you, and I support you. You should go back to work — and that decision won’t make you a bad mother, or a non-mother. It’ll make you a woman who’s satisfied with herself, because above all, she’s doing what she loves. And being that satisfied will make you so much better for your family too.

Of course it’ll be hard for you, and hard for the baby without you, but the guilt won’t fade with time — you have to learn to live with it, and to feel pride instead of guilt, because you’re showing your little daughter exactly the kind of woman you want her to become tomorrow.

This isn’t about condemning one “type” of woman or the other. This is about understanding and supporting both — and a third kind too — whatever their decision may be.

We’re incredibly lucky to stand on the shoulders of so many women before us who fought so that we could have this choice today, and say — I’m the type who loves to work, or I’d rather take care of my family.

Not that long ago — just some 50 years back — that choice didn’t even exist. A woman stayed home, and that was her job and her purpose.

We get to choose — so why wouldn’t we?

Warmly,

S-Mama