Woman Is a Wolf to Woman? On Female Rivalry

The real woman? Who is she?

Is she the one who has three children, a husband, a house, a car?

Or is she the one who has her dream job, professional respect and prestige?

Or is she the one who has a partner?

Or the one who is alone?

Or the one who has one child and no husband?

Or the one for whom material things matter more than emotional ones?

Are all of the women listed above real women, or none of them?

If you ask me, all the women in these examples, real and imagined, are real women, fulfilled in their own way. But if you ask society – none of them actually are.

There are these unwritten rules, which I used to think were specific to one particular corner of our planet, about who (not to say what) a woman MUST be. And don’t worry, I won’t list them all now, there was enough listing at the beginning of this text. Because, however you look at it, a woman in patriarchal societies like the ones we live in can never fulfil everything that is asked of her, and the people around her always make her feel bad because she hasn’t achieved that something yet.

Reading the book “Why We Matter” by Emilia Roig, I came across the astonishing fact that all over the world a woman’s identity is inseparably linked to her identity as a mother.

What does that actually mean?

A woman is only considered a “complete?!” woman from her second child onwards. By the same logic, women who have one child are “half-women”, and those who decide not to have children or cannot have any – are not women at all. Yes, that is exactly how I felt when I read it.

What good is all our technology, all our evolutionary “progress” and the rest of the empty phrases when we stubbornly keep reducing a woman to her functioning uterus?

I am a mother. I became one by choice and because I wanted to.

But I also don’t believe that women who don’t have children (for whatever reason) are any less women than I am, or unworthy of that title. Just as I don’t believe that women who have more children are super-women compared to the rest. We are all exactly that – women.

The saddest part of this whole story is that centuries of patriarchy have convinced us that we are each other’s competition, and that it is perfectly acceptable, not to say desirable, to compare ourselves with each other in order to put the other one down.

It is not enough that legal and state systems put us in the caste of second-class citizens.

It is not enough that men discriminate against us at every step, consciously or not.

No. Come on, we can do it so much better ourselves, so, sister dear, go ahead and hit your sister.

And why? To help the system and its values stay exactly as they are?

I am not superior to anyone.

Oh, how much judgement and contempt I carried inside me for every woman who did not share the values I had at that point in my life.

I have a boyfriend, and she doesn’t – I am better.

I am studying, and she isn’t – I am better.

I go to church regularly and I fast, and she doesn’t – I am better.

My wedding had fewer guests – I am better.

I have a husband, and she doesn’t – I am better.

I am pregnant, and she isn’t – I am better.

My child is better than yours – I am better.

But also – she has a PhD, and I don’t – she is better.

She has three children, and I don’t – she is better.

She travels all the time, and I don’t – she is better.

I wasn’t better at anything, nor was I worse. But I was toxic to myself just because of thoughts like these.

Luckily, we keep learning as long as we live. Only once we realise what mistakes we make in everyday life, especially towards others, can we become aware of them and actively work on correcting them.

And this didn’t come to us naturally – from the day we are born, society teaches us that we are worth less and that only a certain type of woman is “more worthy” than the others.

Why are women who are obedient better than those who refuse to stay quiet? Why are women who are religious seen as more modest than those who aren’t? Why is the one in a long skirt worth more than the one in short shorts?

Can a woman really be reduced to belonging to her husband, her family, to taking care of the house, to obeying the state and the church, to motherhood?

Why is a woman who wears a hijab worth less than one who proudly shows off her shaved head?

What are these divisions for?

This is not a competition. Or rather, in that narrative there are no winners except those who profit from such divisions all along.

If feminism was supposed to bring us anything so far, it is (besides the right to vote) the right to decide, each of us for herself, how we want to look, what we want to do, whether we want to have children, whether we want to make our relationships official or choose to be on our own.

I just want us to hear each other. And to stop valuing each other by categories that are only subjectively relevant.

Enough is enough!

So I ask you: the next time you see a woman on the street or in your feed who is different from you in any way, stop that nasty judgemental thought and don’t let it out, not even as a joke.

Because you can be sure that you too (although perfect for yourself) are the target of someone’s contempt because of the decisions you make every day and the way you live your life, and those things hurt.

We can and must replace contempt and envy with support and genuine joy for the other woman.