Are You Free Enough to Be Who You Are?

What does freedom mean to you? No, I don’t mean the philosophical concept, nor political freedom, but the basic, personal, intimate kind. How did I free myself from social pressure and other people’s expectations, and what does freedom mean to me?

Whether we like to admit it or not, the society we live in shapes our attitudes to a great extent, along with our behaviour and our expectations. On the other hand, if we don’t feel at ease where we live and grow up, we can’t be free either.

All my life I felt different, and so the feeling of freedom – of being completely at ease in my own skin – kept slipping away from me.

Let’s start with the basics – the way I dress.

I never liked wearing what people my age wore, not only because I didn’t want to be part of the crowd, but also because I didn’t feel comfortable in it. Trends and fashion were never something I championed, nor, to be honest, something I really got. So when everyone was wearing skin-tight jeans, I wore flares and the widest trousers I could find. When all the girls my age wore leggings, I wore long skirts.

It was always important to me that I, ME, felt good in what I was wearing. Admittedly, that good feeling all too often melted at the speed of light the moment I stepped out of my cosy home. People around you are very good at commenting on your choices, behind your back and to your face. Why do you wear skirts? What’s with the long coat? Wear heels for once! And none of that helps you feel good in your body, even if you stay true to your choices.

It got even worse when it came to make-up. I’m simply not someone who knows how to do her make-up “by the rules”, but I’m also not someone who feels good wearing it. Although I had very problematic skin when I was younger and wanted to cover up my “imperfections”, foundation never agreed with me (and I never managed to pick a shade that matched my skin tone, so I will never make a successful beauty blogger).

My everyday make-up consisted of mascara and lip balm, maybe a concealer for the dark circles. And that was it. But very often even that weighed on me. Because not only does it take time to put on properly, but, even worse, it takes a long time to take off, and sleeping in mascara is not an option, for reasons we women know all too well. But leaving the house without that minimum wasn’t an option either. That’s how much the environment we live in had shaped my subconscious.

Not to mention that I wore my hair long my whole life. Admittedly, that decision was entirely mine, because I adored my hair (and of course I still love it), so I can’t blame anyone else for that one. Although…

My hair is very thick and strong. Not only did I never know how to use straighteners and all the other gadgets, my hair simply couldn’t take them. While other girls had silky, straight hair after straightening, mine looked like a broom. And washing my hair was a constant burden – because that mane also has to be dried, and sometimes cared for. (If I tell you that an acquaintance who works in fashion once compared me to Janis Joplin, you’ll know what kind of “mane” we’re talking about.)

Dyeing my hair never crossed my mind, because I have always loved my brown-blonde-golden-red hair. No, I didn’t reach for hair dye even when the first grey strands started to appear.

Simply put, “beauty standards” have always been all Greek to me, an unnecessary burden, obligations I didn’t want to fulfil and didn’t have the energy for anyway. All of it restricted my freedom.

So whichever way you look at it, I could never fit into any Balkan “mould of beauty and acceptability”.

And then I moved to Germany, where, according to everyone who visits us from Serbia, there are no beautiful women.

That is absolutely not true. German women are beautiful, but they don’t fit the “beauty moulds” set in Serbia or the Balkans. First of all, German women aren’t obsessed with brands; even when they wear something “expensive”, it doesn’t “scream”. They don’t wear make-up. At all! And the ones who do somehow do it in a way that doesn’t scream or catch your eye. They dress comfortably and casually. Their hair is clean, but not straightened, and they often tie it up in a messy bun because it’s practical. They simply don’t burden themselves with anything.

I was shocked the first time I attended a lecture at university and the young woman giving the presentation was wearing – imagine this – flip-flops. Of the whole lecture, that’s what caught my attention the most. And it shouldn’t have!

Because what does it matter what she was wearing on her body or her feet – what matters is what she has to say. And she was very self-confident, maybe precisely because she felt good and unburdened in what she was wearing.

Over time I learned that it doesn’t matter what someone wears, whether they have a few “extra” kilos and squeezed into leather leggings, whether they are xy years old and wear a skirt, whether they wear make-up or not. You simply stop paying attention to these things, because nobody pays attention to them. And it is so liberating! You don’t stare at anyone, and nobody stares at you.

I have to admit that Marko also had a big influence on this turnaround in how I see myself. He has always said that I’m most beautiful without make-up and when you can see that I feel relaxed, whatever I’m wearing.

What does all of this have to do with freedom?

Well, a lot.

Two years ago I cut my long hair into a “boyish” cut, and every time I go to the hairdresser she asks me, “Shall we go even shorter than last time?”, and every time the answer is YES. Yes! Yes, because with short hair I feel free!

I am free because I no longer have to plan when I’ll wash my hair and how long it will take to dry. My obligations no longer revolve around it (I’m not exaggerating when I say that I used to set aside a couple of hours just for washing and drying my hair, because – mane). I am free because my hair is now always neat, even though I didn’t spend hours trying to make it look like something. Washing, drying and styling now take 10 minutes in total (often less). Isn’t that a great saving of time and energy?

I am free because, when I look in the mirror, what I feel inside is finally reflected on the outside. That is finally me, in full light.

And no, nobody here is shocked that a woman who has a husband and is a mother can wear her hair so short, as if that weren’t “feminine”.

I can’t even remember the last time I put on mascara. Not because the pandemic meant we didn’t have to go anywhere, but because I simply feel beautiful without it. Yes, I have big eyes and long lashes, but no, I don’t need anything to emphasise them. And yes, I can rub my eye whenever it itches without freezing in fear that I’ve smudged my mascara. I don’t have to think about taking off my make-up when I’m exhausted, because there is no make-up. And no, I don’t look ill or tired, even without mascara.

For years now, my main item of clothing has been – you wouldn’t believe it – leggings. First, because they are super comfortable, second, because you can combine them endlessly, and third, because I feel damn good in them without having to think about what my bum looks like or whether the number on the scale makes me worthy of wearing them. In fact, a few months ago I got a pair of “leather” leggings, and they look damn good on me!

And yes, I love my grey hairs, because I have earned them fair and square, so I feel no need to hide them – there is nothing shameful about having them.

The point is not to raise one culture up and put another one down. The point is that what matters most is how you feel in your body, not what the people around you think about it (whatever latitude they happen to be at).

If YOU love being fully made up and dressed to the nines every day, great, I have nothing against it. If you feel like dyeing your hair, dye it all the colours of the rainbow if you want. If you feel like wearing heels every day, fantastic! And if you prefer the relaxed version in trainers with a backpack, great! None of this matters. All that matters is how you truly feel in it and, as Nikola Pejaković says in the Serbian TV series Crni Gruja, “that it’s clean, even if it’s patched”.

Whatever works, as long as the way you look brings a genuine, confident smile to your face in the mirror, and isn’t dictated by other people’s expectations.

Be you! Be free to be who you are and to show it to the world around you, because how you feel on the inside will always show on the outside, however and with whatever you try to mask it. Because only once we free ourselves from the chains of other people’s expectations can we be truly free and happy in our own skin.

Warmly,

S-Mama