Not long ago I was talking to my friend Ivana, who is also a student and a mum, about all sorts of things, including the affliction so many mothers share: guilt.
Ivana had to take a rather long break from her studies when her son was born, so this semester she is slowly getting back into shape as an active student. Unlike me, with the university a 20-minute walk from home, Ivana has to travel to lectures from a big city about an hour and a half away by train. I don’t know whether this was her first big separation from her son, but I know for sure it wasn’t easy for her.
She told me how terribly guilty she felt that on that one day a week she wouldn’t be able to pick her little boy up from nursery, the way she does every other day.
And then I started thinking about how I have the same problem every single day. At least once a day I ask myself whether I’ve spent enough time with Sofia, whether I’ve given her enough attention, whether I’m maybe being too selfish, because, well, instead of playing with her, I’m sitting in the reading room enjoying the latest literature on media theory.
The Worm of Guilt That Eats You Up Inside
This isn’t the first time I’ve thought (read: worried) about this. From the moment I first had to leave the house without Sofia, even for an hour, a little worm appeared in my head and kept saying: “You shouldn’t have gone anywhere without her, what kind of selfish mother are you?!”
Ever since I started working alongside my studies (admittedly only two days a week), the feeling of guilt has only piled up.
My latest guilt attack came this Tuesday. Because of my university commitments I had to be away from home from 10 in the morning until late afternoon. I saw Sofia for literally five minutes when she woke up, and then it was already time to rush off. But that wasn’t when the problem in my head began.
The problem actually began when I realised that my planner for that day had something written in it that wasn’t an obligation as such, but an optional lecture on a topic I was really interested in. It was scheduled for 6 pm, which meant I would be home between 8 and 8:30. The nerd in me was shouting: “Please, pleeease, don’t let me miss that lecture”, while at the same time the mum in me was yelling: “Go home, be with your child!” (No, I don’t have a split personality, but you know what I mean.)
Honestly, I would never have resolved this dilemma on my own. My wonderful husband helped me out by telling me I should go to the lecture and not worry, that sometimes I need to do something for myself and my soul too. And he was right.
I’m not someone who finds satisfaction in nights out and partying. That time is somehow behind me and I don’t miss it at all. So what is my idea of a perfect treat?
I much prefer a good coffee and a great book, even at home. That’s enough for me to recharge my batteries and say: “There, mum has had her moment”, the perfect me time. And honestly, I rarely even make time for moments like that, because I always somehow prefer to spend that half hour or hour with Marko and Sofia, even if we’re doing nothing together.
Family time is my new me time.
Listening to a lecture is a kind of investment in myself, time well spent. I find a special kind of satisfaction in it, and since it’s optional, I don’t have to go every week, only when the topic or the lecturer interests me. So I did go to the lecture hall after all, listened spellbound and took notes for the next hour or so. And I was indescribably happy.
Being Selfish and Taking Time for Yourself Are Not the Same Thing!
No, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel guilty during the lecture too. Honestly, I still haven’t managed to get that little worm out of my head, and I wonder whether I ever will. If any of you have managed it, please write to me.
Somehow it seems to me that it all comes with the job. Guilt is part and parcel of motherhood, for the simple reason that we will never be good enough for ourselves.
We should try to find a balance between our obligations and our wishes. Or at least find someone who understands us and gives us a push towards making our wishes come true (as my husband very often does for me).
Being a mother doesn’t mean neglecting yourself. Because if a mum is unhappy with herself, it will certainly affect how well she can be there for her family.
So I’m going to tweak that famous “happy wife, happy life” into “happy mom, happy family”, or in other words a happy mum means a happy family.
So, my dears, allow yourselves to be happy without feeling guilty, and do something just for yourselves once a week, or even once a day. It doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.
Warmly,
S-Mama
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