Finding yourself, while at the same time having a job that lets you survive first and feel fulfilled second – that’s not easy at all.

I don’t know if that’s the case for everyone, but reality hit me pretty hard when, after successfully finishing my Master’s degree, I tried to make my way into the professional world.

The question I had to ask myself was: What can I actually do, other than study? And writing a PhD was definitely not on the table.

The second question was: how do you even find that something? Not to mention how to successfully apply for a position, how to land an interview, and how to actually get the job.

Let me tell you upfront – it’s not easy.

And how nice it is to watch all those films and series, to see those imaginary social media figures who have everything under control and, purely by virtue of their extraordinary talent, get headhunted by some amazing company and land their dream job – or better yet, get hired after one, in words, one single application.

Sure… right! Can we please stop kidding ourselves for a second? It’s incredibly hard.

Reality After a Master’s Degree – Not Like the Movies

For one thing: at 30, I no longer have any idea what my dream job is. So what do we do with that? For a year now I’ve been actively racking my brain every single day – what would I love to do, what do I actually want to do with my time?

This doesn’t mean I’ve been sitting at home doing nothing for the past year. On the contrary – until recently I was working not one but two jobs. Neither of them in my field, and both far from what you’d call interesting or fulfilling. Neither job was bad – not physically demanding, not psychologically taxing. They’re the kind of jobs you do for a while to survive, to buy yourself some time while you figure out who you are and what kind of work actually means something to you.

But.

How long do you have to do that kind of work before the moment of clarity arrives – if it ever does? And what if that cinematic, almost biblical moment never comes at all?

In theory, you can do anything and get by. But I don’t want that. First and foremost, that’s just not who I am – and then, honestly and without false modesty: I didn’t come this far to settle for average jobs that ask absolutely nothing of my intellectual abilities, let alone put them to use.

A Year Too Long – When Is Enough, Enough?

The wake-up call came when I realized that a job I’d meant as a temporary solution – while I found something more permanent and better suited given our whole uncertain situation here (visas and everything that comes with that) – instead of a few months, as I’d originally planned, I had been doing for a full year. That scared me.

As I said, the job itself was perfectly fine. Not too demanding, I got to choose which days and how many hours I worked (with a required minimum of 4 hours per shift and 10 hours a month, of course), the colleagues were lovely, and I never once felt bad about it.

In fact, the first few months I found it surprisingly interesting to learn about fashion, retail, and that whole world I knew absolutely nothing about. Then it became routine – I worked without thinking, and compared to what I’d been doing for years before that (studying, which I absolutely consider work), that felt good. Marko often said I enjoyed working at the shop because it gave me a mental break from everything we’d been going through. And he wasn’t far off – in those few hours at work, I had time for nothing but my own thoughts.

Why I Quit – and What I Learned

But how long can that go on? I don’t want to look back in 10 or 20 years and wonder where my life went and what I could have done – just because I found a way to keep the family fed. As strong as the pull toward comfort is, especially when you’re a mother, I was stronger.

At some point you have to step back into the unknown.

I decided to quit and am now actively working on myself again. The time I spent at the shop I now spend with myself – finally putting a full stop to the search for who I am, so I can start heading somewhere instead of still wandering in the fog, not even knowing what I’m looking for. That can go on forever if you don’t at some point say ENOUGH.

When the fog finally lifts, it’s usually a sunny day, isn’t it?

Lessons Nobody Teaches You at University

What I’ve learned from this whole experience: it’s okay to do something you don’t particularly love. It’s okay to not have all the big life questions answered at 30 – some of them are only just opening up now. It’s okay to not know who you are, if you’ve lost the compass of what you want to do with your life and circumstances have pushed you onto a different path.

We grow up believing everything has to happen in order – school, university, Master’s, job, family. But it doesn’t.

And that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned over the past year. No, I’m not behind because I haven’t found my place in the professional world yet – because I still don’t know what my heart truly beats for (other than writing and reading books, if we set family aside for a moment).

I’m not a hopeless case just because, after 50+ job applications, I got more than one interview – one single interview (for the second job I currently have, which I’ll likely be leaving soon too).

You do not have to have it all. (Read that again.)

Because as G-Eazy says: “never kept a safety net to catch us if I fall, rather risk it all than play it safe.” We don’t need a safety net – if I fall I’ll get hurt, but I’ll give everything I have to not fall and to keep working toward my goals. Because as long as we have a safety net – parents who support us, a job that pays the bills and nothing more, a relationship that doesn’t work but feels better than being alone – we won’t be able to move forward, and we won’t try hard enough to reach our goal, whatever that might be.

Only uncertainty – and a certain degree of fear – can really push us out of stagnation and out of our comfort zone.

As much as this all sounds like a self-help post – it is and it isn’t. I’m officially not an expert in that field, but at the same time, all of this has a very sobering effect on me personally.

I’ve removed one safety net from under my feet. One is still left. So I’ll either fall and hurt myself more, or I’ll finally start moving forward – in whatever direction that turns out to be. A year is exactly enough time for a pause. Enough. Let’s go. Even if I don’t know where yet…

My current goal is to find a new goal. It is not much, but it is a start.

Wish me luck.

S-Mama