What Do You Do When You Do Nothing?

I know, I know everything. A lot of time has passed since the end of March, that is, since the moment I handed in my master’s thesis. So where am I? What am I doing? Why nothing, and what does nothing even mean?

Back when I was actively working on finishing my master’s thesis, I used to daydream and plan everything I’d be able to do once I had free time to spare. I even made a list in my planner called “Things I’ll Do When I Finish My Master’s Thesis” (logically).

The feeling of relief and happiness once the job was done never came. It’s like when you can’t wait to pass an exam, and the moment the exam is over, there’s no euphoria, no happiness, no relief you expected to feel. You’re simply empty. The information that you succeeded is there, but that’s all it is, information. Whether that feeling is normal for other people, I don’t know, but for me it’s always been this way.

What matters is that “the worst is over”, and then all that was left was waiting.

The first month after finishing my master’s was phenomenal. I read and did everything on my aforementioned list. I had plenty of time to enjoy myself, and we also treated ourselves to a trip to Serbia, so that kept me busy too, practically as well as emotionally.

When Waiting Turns into Hell

But once we got back from Serbia to normal everyday life, the waiting turned into hell. My whole future, and to a large extent the future of our family, depended on the grade for my master’s thesis. Will I enroll in a PhD, will I look for another job, what about the visa, and a hundred other anxious questions have been spinning around in my head every day since.

Everyday chores have become the only “occupation” I have, because somehow I can’t see my purpose right now. There’s my family, of course there’s Sofia, and Beni too. I need to take some of the load off Marko and take on every possible task around the house and with Sofia, so that he can now actively write. There’s always something to tidy up or do around the apartment. But I have nothing concrete to work on, because I’m just waiting. And waiting. And time goes by…

After more than two months, the results finally came, not as good as I’d hoped, but that doesn’t even matter. It’s over. Now I can finally move on.

Or can I?

Every day is still the same. Take Sofka to kindergarten, walk Beni, tidy the house, pick Sofka up from kindergarten and spend time with her, and in between read a little for my soul. And that’s it.

I drowned myself in everyday routine and my own sense of pointlessness.

I Drowned in My Own Pointlessness

I’m not someone who can do nothing for very long, and that’s always been my problem. A month, even two, of having plenty of free time is great. But anything beyond that is too much and leads absolutely nowhere. Instead of recharging, you sink deeper and deeper into an abyss of pointlessness.

And everything else suffers because of it, more or less…

This blog suffers too. I wrote it more regularly and was more devoted to it when I had a million obligations, and now that I “have nothing to do”, I can’t even write: no time, can’t, don’t want to… I don’t even know myself. Time eats itself up, the days go by, and I’m treading water.

How to Climb Out of the Abyss of Pointlessness

I did get moving a little in all that waiting, because I finally signed up at a gym and with that got one more commitment I’ll honestly dedicate myself to and look forward to. And it works. I go to my workouts regularly and feel fantastic afterwards. But even that isn’t enough. It doesn’t give me meaning.

As Milan Mladenović sang, it’s time to wake up and get moving. And I do have to get moving. Urgently!

That’s also why I’m writing this post, which may not make much sense to you. But it means a lot to me to put what’s bothering me on this virtual paper, because every time you say or write something out loud, it becomes real, and only then can you start facing it.

So I hope that now that my sense of pointlessness has taken a tangible form, I’ll finally be able to start searching for my purpose again and find an answer once more to the question “who am I and what am I striving for”.

With a goal in front of you, it’s much easier to stay motivated, and I’m at a crossroads and still can’t decide which way to go… And time doesn’t wait…

And what do you do when you’re doing nothing? And how long can you go on doing nothing?

S-Mama