I still can’t believe it — the day has actually come when I submitted my Master’s thesis! Yes, yes, you heard that right: the ordeal — or at least the main part of it — is finally over.
Well, to not be too dramatic: it wasn’t exactly an ordeal, because I genuinely love writing and learning. But that it was easy, and that at moments it felt completely impossible — oh yes, absolutely.
A Year of Writing — in a Foreign Language, With a Family
Exactly one year has passed since I first sat down at my laptop and officially started researching the literature for my Master’s thesis. That might sound like a lot — but according to the “rules” here in Germany, a Master’s thesis is written over one semester, meaning six months. If you take into account that German is not my mother tongue (not even close) and that I have a family (a husband, a child, and a dog), a year doesn’t seem so long at all — more like exactly right. So I’m not behind on anything, even though it felt like the opposite about a million times.
The important thing is that it’s done. Am I happy with how it turned out? I don’t know. The perfectionist in me is never completely satisfied with anything. At some point I had to tell myself: “Enough!”
Done is better than perfect!
But where is that feeling of joy and relief when you finally reach the goal you’ve been working toward? I hope it comes, sometime, maybe…
And what now?
As far as the official part goes, all that’s left is to wait for the thesis to be read and graded (which can take two months or more).
As for the unofficial part — I’ll rest a little first, if I’m even capable of that. Not because the conditions aren’t there, but because of my nature. Don’t worry — I’ve long had a list in my planner of everything I want to do the moment I submit the thesis. And yes, writing the blog more regularly is right at the top of that list. Honestly, I’ve been craving regular writing and reflection — but the non-academic kind. To let my brain breathe and let my fingers dance freely across the keyboard.
Setting aside all the insecurities and self-doubt, the hardest part was that for the last two and a half months I couldn’t be present for my family — especially for Sofia.
Marko played, as always, a masterful role in taking on every possible and impossible responsibility around Sofia, the house, and Beni — for which I am endlessly and indescribably grateful! And he never complained once, even though I know it wasn’t easy for him, especially because as a family we’ve always functioned by sharing everything: work, responsibilities, and enjoyment. He did everything so that I could sit and write for 8+ hours a day without worrying about anything else.
Being There, but Not Being There
Sofia understood. Or at least she tried to understand that Mama, even though she’s home and in the next room, can’t cuddle and play with her every moment she wants, can’t drop her off or pick her up from kindergarten, can’t take her to the playground or on walks. “Mama has to do writing,” she’d say — sometimes coming over just to give me a kiss, or saying at the front door as she left: “Have a nice day, Mama.” And that was the hardest part. Not being there — while being there. Since she was born, I’d never been so long and so absent from her, and it hurt.
She didn’t whine, didn’t cry or have meltdowns — but she was visibly sad, especially in the last week of my active writing. And that tore me apart, so much that I asked myself countless times whether any of this was worth it.
And then I’d pull myself together and remind myself that I’m doing all of this partly for her too. It wouldn’t be fair to say it’s all for her — simply because she never asked Mama to finish a Master’s degree. It’s my wish, and it’s what I love: to educate myself and grow in the academic world. But what kept pushing me forward — and what has everything to do with Sofia — is the fact that I knew: the sooner I finish, the sooner I can be there for her 30 out of 24 hours a day.
And that pushed me forward.
Mama Is Finally Fully Present
She doesn’t want to be separated from me for a single second now, whatever we’re doing — as long as Mama is there and she’s laughing the whole time. Now she wants Mama to do everything — Mama drops off at kindergarten, Mama picks up, Mama puts her to sleep, Mama plays, Mama walks Beni with Sofia. Mama is finally fully here.
She says she’s happy — and I’m even happier when I see her smile. I know it was worth it. And I know I’ve genuinely earned the right to do absolutely nothing for at least the next week, except be with her and enjoy it. The other responsibilities and life in general can wait that long.
Now Mama is here — and it’s time for Daddy to get going at full speed on finishing his own Master’s degree.
Without the support of my family I wouldn’t be where I am, and I wouldn’t be able to dream of going further — of pushing my own boundaries, and those of society.
I know I can — and they believe I can — and that’s enough for me.
S-Mama
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