When We Expect Too Much of Ourselves

I like to call myself an optimist, but I think in reality I am an idealist. I look at the world around me positively, but I expect perfection from myself. Other people’s expectations aren’t the problem. I have never paid attention to them. The worst are the expectations we set for ourselves.

Very often I set myself goals that are too big and too ambitious, and when I don’t manage to achieve them, even though I tried, I am disappointed in myself. I think I’m lazy and that I could have done much better. And then I became a mother, and all of that went up to a whole new level.

We choose our own path.

Specifically, I set myself the goal of finishing my master’s degree this semester (that is, passing two more exams and writing my master’s thesis), applying for a PhD and securing a scholarship for myself, or rather for my family. And on top of all that, our family, above all our little daughter, must not be neglected. I don’t want her to miss her mother, or for someone else to raise my child because of my other commitments. After all, I gave birth to her because I wanted her, not because she asked for it. So she is my, our, responsibility, not that of her grandma, grandpa, other relatives or the neighbours.

Add to that all of my husband’s commitments: finishing his exams this semester, doing a six-week internship and earning some money so we could breathe a little easier.

And we live on our own, far from home.

The two of us made a nice plan for how to pull it all off, and came to the conclusion that we had to ask our parents to step in and help look after the baby. But it isn’t realistic to expect them to drop their lives in Serbia and come running whenever it suits us.

That was when the idealist in me had to face reality. No, a day doesn’t have 50 hours, only 24. Yes, people need sleep to survive, simply because that’s their nature. No, I can’t control when and how long Sofia sleeps, what mood she’s in and a hundred other things we parents would love to influence and control. Then we realise that a child is not a robot after all and that you can’t programme it. She has her own needs, and she’s too small to explain them in words, or for us to explain to her that she has to do this or that. She doesn’t have to do anything!

So I gave myself a reality check and said: come on, chill out a bit. Why does everything have to happen right here, right now? It doesn’t! Set your priorities, lower your expectations and with them your commitments. And take it slowly.

What matters most to me is being there for my little daughter. Everything else comes second, fifth, tenth.

Since Marko had more exams left and his studies are generally more demanding, I decided that this semester I would, above all, be with Sofia and attend and pass my two remaining exams. Next semester she starts nursery, and I’ll be able to write my master’s thesis and prepare my PhD application, because it’s really important to me that it all turns out well, that I give it my best and don’t just rush through it.

I haven’t given up on myself or my goals. I’ve simply realised that someone needs me more now. And that I will be much more relaxed and happier if I don’t rush between the library and home feeling guilty that I haven’t spent enough time with Sofi today, or done enough for my master’s.

Who Is to Blame for Our Sky-High Expectations? We Are!

We women are truly awful to one another, and to ourselves too. We have to do everything perfectly: look perfect, have the perfect weight, cook, look after the children, be the best at work, do sport, keep our homes spotless, and the list goes on and on. And if we don’t live up to everything we have set for one another or for ourselves as the norm, we feel unfulfilled and worth less. And I say: enough!

Every one of us is perfect, full stop! And we will define that perfection for ourselves, first of all by taking a realistic look at our wishes, but also at what we can actually do. It is more honest to tell yourself I can’t do that right now and be happy at the end of the day than to set yourself far too many unrealistic demands and end the day feeling miserable because we haven’t managed any of it, or only part of it.

I am happy.

I spend a lot of time with Sofia, because I know I will never get this time back. I go to lectures regularly and coordinate with my husband on all our other study commitments. And every spare moment I use for reading or writing, whether for my upcoming master’s thesis or for my soul. And all of that makes me happy.

And that’s exactly why I am a super mum.

Warmly,

S-Mama