My Child Is Spoiled!

Yes, you read that right, my child is spoiled. Or at least that’s how many people would describe the way we raise Sofka.

If I got one euro for every comment like that, I’d have enough to never pay for coffee in cafés for a looong, long time.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written here about other people’s comments, the expectations of the people around us or sticking one’s nose into other people’s business. And, judging by everything, it certainly won’t be the last.

To understand why “spoiled” keeps coming up as a label, I tried to break down the possible reasons, so I could make sense of the phenomenon.

Only children are spoiled

People tend to automatically stick the “spoiled” label on children who have no brothers or sisters. Only children exist to be spoiled, because heaven forbid that a child with a brother or a sister could ever be spoiled.

What’s more, when people try to “argue” why a child “should have a brother or a sister”, the first thing on the list is: so they won’t be spoiled. Sofka has neither a brother nor a sister, so she meets the basic requirement for being spoiled.

Spoiled children get everything they want

Sofka partly ticks this box too. When someone sees her room, they exclaim with delight: this is a dream room! And it is. Sofka has a lot of toys, that’s true. She argues very convincingly why she needs something, and Marko and I don’t mind buying her things (often because we want them, not because she asks for them). But yes, Sofia has (almost) everything she wants. Another box checked.

Spoiled children are too emotional

I’m afraid Sofka ticks this box too, no question about it. Yes, she loves cuddling with mom and dad. When she’s sad, angry or happy, she’s free to express her emotions in their full intensity, above all so she can learn to recognize them and cope with them.

Because, imagine this, children don’t come into the world with a pre-installed operating system of emotions and behavior. Parents are the programmers who not only have to install this software, but keep updating it for years.

That’s why tantrums happen in children between the ages of 3 and 6 (more on that in one of my next texts).

Looks like we have to check this box too.

Spoiled children are “unruly” and rude

Before I became a mom myself, I was far too quick to judge children, those I knew and those I didn’t, often with the unspoken comment “my child will never be like that, or do this and that”. But as it usually goes, life proves you wrong easily and very quickly. Yes, my child has cried in public more than once. Yes, my child is absolutely allowed to say “no” to me. And no, I don’t think that makes her “unruly” or “spoiled”; I think it makes her independent and self-aware.

Our culture has a deeply rooted belief that children are “rude” and “do things on purpose”. This assumes that children come into the world bad, and that it’s our duty to turn them into good people (usually with physical or emotional punishment).

But what are these good people like when they grow up? How many of us struggle with self-confidence? How many of us have trouble recognizing our emotions, let alone expressing them? How many of us suppress everything, for the sake of others or because it isn’t socially acceptable? Too many, I’d say.

And yes, it’s much easier to yell at a child and punish them than to really give them your attention and ask “what’s wrong?”, “why do you feel this way?”.

As I said in the title, by all Balkan social standards, my child is spoiled.

But we don’t live in the Balkans. And that in itself means learning other, different ways of raising children, ways that don’t involve an “iron fist” or the “who’s the boss here” principle.

I don’t believe in spoiling, especially not in children. For me, there’s no such thing.

There are parents who devote themselves to their children and try to understand their feelings and needs. And there are parents who put their own comfort before their child’s needs. Simple as that.

What does it even mean for a child to be spoiled?

And why does this label get stuck on children whose parents are well off, or on children who express their emotions instead of suppressing them, right?

My view is that the myth of spoiling was invented by the same parents who find it easier to have a good yell at their child and get rid of their pent-up frustration, by those who say “what does she know, she’s just a child” and share similar views and behaviors, and by those who find it easier to punish their child for “unacceptable behavior” without asking themselves why the child behaved that way in the first place.

In other words, those who are parents out of obligation, not by choice. Because yes, many people are parents simply because they brought a child into the world, but being a parent isn’t just about a physical connection or existence. The role of a parent is much more complex and requires active engagement.

I’m a supporter of so-called “gentle parenting”.

The point is to respect the child from day one as a person with specific needs and feelings, whom we as parents help to meet those needs or understand those feelings.

Culturally, appearance somehow matters more to us than substance; what matters is what others see and how they’ll judge us. And this applies directly to children too.

That’s why it’s easier to have a child “who isn’t spoiled” and is quiet and obedient in every situation, no matter what that child really needs. What matters is how it looks to others. And whether that “state” was reached through threats, punishment or, heaven forbid, beatings is less important.

To me, it matters!

It matters more to me that my child can freely tell me she doesn’t feel like going to a café and would rather play with me at home, and that I don’t have to “drag her along screaming and say: you’re going because I said so”.

None of this means that Sofka knows no boundaries and does whatever she wants. Of course not. But we set boundaries by talking with her, calmly explaining why something isn’t okay or why she can’t do it. No yelling, no shouting, especially when she’s expressing her emotions loudly.

Because practice has shown that when we tell her something in a calm, composed way, it stays with her, while yelling and power struggles have never been fruitful so far.

And a very important point here is that your child sees you as a source of support, not someone to be afraid of. That they understand that none of their behavior will change how you feel about them, but also why some behaviors aren’t really desirable in the long run.

Does this mean Marko and I have never lost our patience or raised our voices at Sofka? Unfortunately not. But after outbursts like that, we both felt terrible, and on top of that, our behavior didn’t change anything in hers.

That’s why we’ve learned, in the moments when it matters, to put our own feelings and impulses aside, because it’s not about us, it’s about her. Because we don’t want our behavior to send her the message “your behavior is unacceptable because I say so”.

Was it easy to reach that level of self-control? Of course not!

But you learn as long as you live, and the best lessons come from your own mistakes.

One thing is certain: when someone tells Sofka she’s spoiled, she answers “no, I’m loved”.

Do you see the difference?

Warmly,

S-Mama