Good Girl Syndrome

As the mum of a girl, I don’t even know how many times I have said “my good girl” or “be a good girl”, and in doing so unknowingly fed the “good girl syndrome”. But what does it actually mean?

Be good means, above all, be obedient (not to say submissive).

Don’t be loud.

Don’t stand out.

Make yourself small, so you don’t take up too much space.

Give up your toy, your seat, your position to someone else.

And of course, don’t be a threat to boys.

Because good girls don’t go against anyone.

Good girls don’t argue with anyone.

Good girls are always smiling.

Nobody feels bad or uncomfortable in their company.

All of this leads to us being programmed to be submissive and to put other people’s needs and feelings before our own.

To step out of the way and keep quiet.

Because we are good girls.

Of course, everything above is socially conditioned behaviour and a key feature of patriarchy, in which girls, and later women, are put in a subordinate role.

It is dangerous and hypocritical that we call this subordination “positive” traits, hidden behind the cliché of the “good girl”.

Boys Are Raised Differently

They are allowed to be loud, because they’re boys.

They are allowed to run riot, because they’re boys, they’re just full of energy.

Nobody tells them off in the same tone and with the same undertone, because “being a good boy” can in no way be compared with what being a “good girl” means.

And that is why it’s socially accepted to excuse any male behaviour with the well-known “boys will be boys”, and even the phrase “bad boy” is socially accepted as something sexy and exciting rather than negative.

That’s patriarchy “in a nutshell”.

And none of this goes away with the years (as we grow up).

Good girls become “good women”.

And “boys will be boys”.

And those same boys grow into men who believe the whole world should be subordinate to them, above all because they are men.

Those same boys are hurt by the “injustice” that, imagine, women are now fighting for their rights, which in their eyes means trying to take away something that belongs to them by natural right.

That’s why the Barbie film hurts them.

That’s why it’s not okay with them when a woman cuts her hair short.

When a woman earns more than they do.

Or has a better position, which, imagine, she didn’t get “just because she’s a woman”, but because of her competence.

When she says “NO”, loud and clear.

When she doesn’t smile all the time.

When she doesn’t step aside in the street for the people coming towards her.

When she speaks her mind.

Because those are all “boys’ traits”, so it doesn’t fit the matrix.

That’s Why It’s Time to Stop Raising “Good Girls” and “Bad Boys”

For a change, let’s raise self-aware, healthy children, regardless of the sex they were born with or the roles society conditions them into!

When I think about “good girls”, I can’t help thinking of the scene in Titanic when Rose, in the phase of finally breaking out of the “good girl” cocoon, sits at one of the dinners with her mother and her mother’s friends (where her mother, of course, doesn’t take her or her needs seriously, because whatever she says has to match what is expected of her).

At the next table Rose sees a girl, no older than five or six, sitting nicely and obediently in white gloves, straightening her back and, like a “proper little lady”, placing a white napkin on her lap so she won’t get dirty while eating.

That is the turning point of the film, because Rose realises that she, too, has been “trained” since birth to be exactly that: a good girl. And then she finally starts acting the way she feels, against all the “codes”.

I Grew Up a Good Girl

Always good.

Well brought up.

Never cheeky or loud.

Never disobedient.

Always followed the rules.

Always ticked all the boxes.

Always respected authority.

But I don’t want Sofka to be a good girl.

I want to continue breaking the cycle we have been going round in for centuries, and finally end it.

I want her to be loud.

To laugh loudly and speak her mind, even when nobody agrees with her.

To say “NO”, loud and clear, to anything that doesn’t feel right to her (yes, even to us as her parents or to any other kind of “authority”).

To never make herself smaller so that others look bigger.

Not to be ashamed of knowing things, and not to let others talk her into being wrong just because they are more confident.

Every time someone tells her “but dinosaurs are boys’ toys”, I want her to snap back with her “Yes, so?!”

I don’t want to be a good girl anymore! And I won’t raise a good girl!

I Want to Raise a Strong, Self-Aware Girl!

One who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to achieve anything in life.

One who says exactly what she feels and doesn’t suppress her feelings “for the good of others”.

And puts her own needs before other people’s expectations.

That’s the kind of girl I try to be.

That’s the kind of girl I want Sofka to be.

That’s the kind of girl I want every girl and woman in the world to be!

Let’s change the narrative!

I try not to tell Sofka that she’s a good girl anymore, but that she’s a strong girl.

That she’s a brave girl.

That she can do anything, and doesn’t have to do anything.

I’ve been told many times that I can’t change the world.

I’ve proved that I can.

I was given the chance to be a mum and to bring a new life into this world.

And if that life is more aware and better than the standards that ruled before, if that isn’t changing the world, then I don’t know what is.

I did it. So can you.

Warmly,

S-Mama