Getting in My Own Way

Nobody gets in our way more than we do.

Oh, I know, it sounds so empty, worn out and, what’s more, stupid. Until it hits you over the head.

In my last post I wrote about a crisis of inspiration and how, despite all my efforts and little tricks, I couldn’t get myself going and finally finish that hateful chapter that had been tormenting me for months.

And the problem was in me all along.

I’d sit down in front of my laptop and say “I can’t do this”. And there you have it: a mental block. And once you’ve put it there yourself, it’s hardly going to go away on its own. And it didn’t.

Every day I’d look for excuses why I couldn’t simply sit down at the desk, in front of my beloved Sony Vaio, and start putting everything I’d read on the topic so far together into a puzzle that made sense. And it wasn’t easy. Before I’d even started, I’d think maybe it would be better to go home and work there, because everyone here in the reading room was bothering me, or my laptop battery was low, or the music in my headphones wasn’t right, or I’d look at the clock and see I had only three hours left to get something done, and that was far too little for anything concrete… And so on, endlessly. Damn procrastination!

Fear. Of Failure, of Myself.

And all the while, fear in my head. Fear of failure. Fear of not being up to the task. Fear of myself.

And yes, I know, it’s all in my head. Everyone around me keeps telling me “of course you can do it, of course what you’re saying and writing isn’t stupid, blah blah blah”. But if the problem is in my head, which is also where the essence of all this, the chapter for my master’s thesis, has to come from, then the problem and the solution are in the same place. I guess…

Drama queen? Oh yes, that’s me, and here I am admitting it publicly (though only when it comes to the intellectual and academic side of things).

A Stranger’s Advice That Opened My Eyes

And the wow moment didn’t come out of the blue. No, no.

A few days ago, one of the people who had read my post about the crisis, a complete stranger to me, left a comment. I’ll paraphrase: “when I’m in a crisis, I just sit and work, and then it starts flowing”. At first it seemed absolutely stupid to me. Yes, fine, great, that’s how I sound too when I’m, as the hipsters would say, “in a positive vibe”, but what I needed was advice and experience from someone who was “down” right now, like me. There were other interesting suggestions too, it’s not like there weren’t. But none of them felt like “aha, that’s it!”

Just Sit Down and Write

Today was another one of those days when I got up determined to get going and finally get something done (although that happens to me every morning). I came to the uni, because, you know, a change of scenery can help, filled a whole thermos with coffee, meditated in the sun, rode my bike, and who knows what other little rituals that were supposed to jolt me into action. And so I lost another few hours on, well, actually, NOTHING.

Laptop open, and only one thought in my head: “I can’t do this”.

And then I started writing. Not with any intention of doing it. Just like that… I didn’t think about whether it was stupid, grammatically correct or meaningful. I’ll think about that when I’m proofreading. What matters now is that I’m writing. And after a while it travelled from my … up to my head: hey, I’m writing! Bravo, Mima! You genius, no doubt about it.

And then it hit me: you really do just have to sit down and write. Between the first burst of nonsense and a finished chapter there might be half an hour, an hour, two. But at least at the end of the day you won’t feel like the biggest failure in the world, because you’ve finally done something.

So thank you to the gentleman who opened my eyes. And to everyone who keeps telling me “you can do it”: just keep going, it’s clearly bearing fruit.

I am the one getting in my own way, I am far too self-critical, and I am a perfectionist. And all that probably won’t change overnight, maybe not ever.

But at least I’m writing. And I mustn’t let a “NOT” sneak into the sentence “I can do it”.

If only it lasts.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

S-Mama