We are our own biggest obstacle.
I know, I know — that sounds so hollow, so worn out, and honestly, kind of stupid. Until it smacks you in the head.
In my previous post I wrote about the inspiration crisis — about being unable, despite all my efforts and little tricks, to get myself moving and finally finish that wretched chapter that has been haunting me for months.
And the problem was inside me the whole time.
I’d sit down in front of the laptop and say: “I can’t do this.” And there it was — the mental block. Once you build it yourself, it doesn’t just go away on its own. And it didn’t.
Every single day I found excuses for why I couldn’t simply sit down at the table, open my beloved Sony Vaio, and start putting together everything I’d read on the topic into something that actually made sense. And it wasn’t easy. Before I’d even started, I was already thinking it would probably be better to go home and work there — because everyone in the reading room is distracting me, and the blank laptop screen is making me anxious, and the music coming through my headphones isn’t quite right, and then I look at the clock and see I only have three hours left to do something, which is way too little for anything concrete… And on and on. Damn procrastination!
Fear. Of Failure, of Myself.
And the whole time, in my head: fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being up to the task. Fear of myself.
Yes, I know, all of that is in my head. Everyone around me keeps telling me: “You can do this, of course it’s not stupid, what you’re saying and writing is great, blah blah blah.” But if the problem is in my head — and the substance of this whole thing also has to come out of that same head, i.e. the chapter for my Master’s thesis — then the problem and the solution are in the same place. Probably…
Drama queen? Oh yes, that’s me — and I’m publicly admitting it right here (though only when it comes to the intellectual and educational side of things).
The Stranger’s Comment That Opened My Eyes
And the wow moment didn’t come out of nowhere. No, no.
A few days ago, someone who had read my text about the crisis — a complete stranger — left a comment. I’ll paraphrase: “When I’m in a crisis, I just sit down and work, and it starts flowing.” My first reaction was that this was absolutely useless advice. Sure, that’s also how I sound when I’m, as the hipsters say, “in a positive vibe” — but what I need right now is advice from someone who’s currently as stuck as I am. There were other interesting suggestions too, I won’t deny it. But none of them gave me that “aha, that’s it!” feeling.
Just Sit Down and Write. That’s It.
Today was again one of those days when I got up determined to get moving and actually get something done (which happens every single morning, by the way). I came to the university — a change of scenery can help, right — filled up a whole thermos with coffee, meditated in the sun, went for a bike ride, and did whatever other little rituals were supposed to shake me awake and get me going. And so I wasted several more hours on, well, NOTHING.
Laptop open. One thought in my head: “I can’t do this.”
And then I started writing. Not with any intention of actually doing it. Just… like that. I didn’t think about whether it was stupid, grammatically correct, or made sense. I’ll worry about that during proofreading. Right now the only thing that matters is that I write. And after a while the thought landed — I’m actually writing! Bravo, Mima. An absolute genius, clearly.
And then it hit me — you really do just have to sit down and write. From the first messy sentence to a finished chapter, you’re maybe half an hour, an hour, two hours away. But at least at the end of the day you won’t feel like the world’s biggest failure — because you finally did something.
So thank you to the gentleman who opened my eyes. And to all those who keep telling me “you can do it” — keep going, it clearly does something.
I am my own biggest obstacle, I am too self-critical, and I am a perfectionist. And that probably won’t change overnight — maybe never.
But at least I’m writing. And I can’t allow “NOT” to sneak its way into the sentence “I can do this.”
Just let it last.
Wish me luck.
S-Mama
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