How do you fight it? I’m asking you too!

It’s only noon and I’m already on my third coffee since this morning. Sofka is at kindergarten, about three more hours. Marko has given himself a break from writing his Master’s thesis and is taking care of the house and Sofka a bit more — all so that I can write like a normal human being.

And honestly, if you look at it from the outside, I have every single condition and prerequisite I could need to just sit down and write.

And yet, something isn’t working. Not a trace of inspiration. And a hint of low-grade depression is smiling at me from the corner too…

What’s wrong — I genuinely don’t know.

I’ve read everything there is to read on the subject, I have the concept of the thesis both in my head and on paper, I’ve decided to finally finish that famous first chapter that has been haunting me for months. And I started writing. But the main problem is that everything I wrote yesterday seemed brilliant — and today I’d delete the whole thing, because I can’t believe how much nonsense can fit onto such a small (virtual) page.

And honestly, I’m embarrassed when people ask me: “When are you going to finish that Master’s already?” Fine, there’s also a bit of anger when the question comes from someone who has never written two sentences in their life, let alone studied anything, and tells me to “just sit down and write it.” In those moments, silence is the wisest option — because what I’d say wouldn’t go down well. But you understand the problem. And when people who actually have some experience with these things ask it, I genuinely start to worry about myself and my work — and ask myself the same thing.

Yesterday Brilliant. Today I’d Delete Everything.

And it all sounds so simple when you look at it from the outside — but when you sit down in front of the laptop and start transferring quotes from countless books while simultaneously writing down your own thoughts and observations (all of this not in your mother tongue, let me remind you), the mental block arrives from nowhere.

Crisis. How and why — I don’t know. How do I fight it? I’m looking for effective ways.

And time keeps moving…

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Inspiration, come back — all is forgiven!

Small Changes. And Thank You, Autumn.

I read somewhere that by changing even small everyday habits, you can get closer to your desired goal. Since big changes like travelling, moving, and the like aren’t an option right now, I’m grateful for small shifts and trying to use them to get myself moving.

Autumn is coming — and I find myself looking forward to it more than ever. That’s one of the changes that suits me. Autumn means warm tea, new candle scents, rain that sounds better than any motivational playlist — and the reminder of back-to-school mornings that I loved so much as a child. I love the changing of seasons and I’m glad I live somewhere that has all four, thank God. Just as you’re getting used to (read: bored by) one backdrop outside, it’s time for everything to change — including our feelings.

Thank you, autumn.

The second change I’ve introduced is staying home, instead of going to the reading room every day. I love being alone at my new desk, surrounded by things I love and that normally inspire me.

Material things can’t drive me forward — at least not in the long run. So shopping is off the table as a motivator. (Books are exempt from this equation — I can always buy more, and they absolutely inspire me, but that’s a different “problem”.)

I’ve decided to start doing yoga again. I resisted it for a long time, convinced I had no time for exercise because I had a Master’s thesis to write. But I can’t carry on like this. My mind needs rest to reset and get going again. Cycling is already part of daily life and I don’t count that as sport per se. So I’ve decided to give half an hour every morning to yoga — not just because it’s good for me, but because I can do it at home, in any weather (meaning I don’t have to go across town and lose extra time I could theoretically spend writing).

The Guilt — That Little Voice in My Head.

My actual biggest problem is the guilt that haunts me whenever I do anything unrelated to the thesis. Ok — I’ll read a book “for my soul” to relax and reset so I can be more productive. But how do I switch off that switch in my brain — that little worm that pops up now and then and says: “You should be writing, not wasting time”?

Does all of the above have a positive effect on me? Yes and no, depending on the day. But I’m trying. And I will fight against myself with everything I have, until I win.

And how do you fight your own inspiration and motivation crises?

The point of this text (besides relieving my soul a little — because when you put things on paper they become real and only then can you start facing them) is that we all have “crises” even when we’re doing the thing we enjoy and love most.

I’m off to write my Master’s thesis now (or at least I’ll try) — my coffee has gone cold, and it’s time to finally give it a little attention today too.

Wish me luck.

S-Mama