Being a parent doesn’t mean the same thing to all of us. Some take this role very seriously and devote their attention to raising their children as well as they possibly can. Others see the role above all as a competition, in which children are an accessory to show off in front of other parents.
From the day I became a mother myself, I noticed this difference among parents. The first group is quiet, as the saying goes: they get on with it and keep quiet. They love their children, they are proud of them, they celebrate every step and every bit of progress. They simply don’t feel the need to brag about it to others.
Being a parent means being an artist of giving.
The second group is a little different. They love their children too, they’re just much louder. They scan you and your child and first point out everything that you or your child are lacking. And then the barrage begins, all the perfection and uniqueness that, wouldn’t you know it, adorn their children in particular. Well, those are the people I have a problem with.
They all somehow feel the need to brag about how super advanced their child is, how it does everything ahead of schedule, while yours, wouldn’t you know it, is somehow behind. Their children sat on the potty at five months, put sentences together at one, walked at nine months and so on.
Interestingly, whenever they compare their child to yours, they always adjust the story to whatever age your child happens to be at the moment.
To me it is really rude when parents race against others and turn something as normal and natural as a child’s development into a contest. To me it’s like dressing up your little child, putting make-up on them and sending them off to a singing contest or a beauty pageant. Simply twisted.
Children are our greatest treasure, that’s true. But I don’t know since when children have become trophies for healing their parents’ complexes. Actually, they probably always were, I just didn’t realise how strange that whole world is, to say the least, until I had a child of my own.
You should be a good parent to your child, not present yourself as one to other parents or compete with them.
But none of this is the children’s fault. When they are small, they don’t even know they are the subject of bragging and competition with other children, but a problem can arise when they get a bit older or grow up.
Everyone loves their own child more than anything in the world, and that is completely normal! We should be proud of our children and celebrate every moment of their growth and progress. But it should stay within normal limits, not turn into a circus.
To me, my Sofia is the smartest and most perfect child! A real little genius! After all, what mother doesn’t see her child that way?
Still, I don’t feel the need to go around rubbing it in other parents’ faces that, for example, her favourite toys are books. She loves them, so what. That’s lovely for her and for us as parents, because we are book lovers ourselves. But she also watches cartoons with her mum. She only got her first teeth at one year old. And imagine, she only started walking at 16 months.
None of this makes her any more advanced or any further behind than other children her age. Her paediatrician has confirmed this to us many times, and she also says that every child grows and develops at their own pace. Of course, medically speaking there are upper and lower limits of growth and development, and when those are crossed, we can talk about advanced or delayed children, but that is not what this is about.
So, my dears, mind your own business. Parenting is not a competition, it is a beautiful gift.
Put your excess energy into actively loving yourself and YOUR child, and you will be less unhappy and less dissatisfied with yourselves.
And other parents will respect you more if you try to understand them and help them when they really need help, than if you keep rubbing their noses in the idea that they are doing something wrong or that their child is less advanced than other children.
Warmly,
S-Mama
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