Writing a Thesis as a Mom: There, But Not There

I can’t believe it: the day has actually come when I handed in my master’s thesis! Yes, yes, you heard that right, the agony (or at least the main part of it) is over.

Okay, let’s not exaggerate, it wasn’t exactly agony, because I genuinely love writing and learning. But that it wasn’t easy, and that at times it felt impossible? Oh yes, very much so.

A Year Without Excuses

Exactly one year has passed since I first sat down at my laptop and officially started researching the literature to back up my master’s thesis. That may sound like a lot, but according to the “rules” here in Germany, a master’s thesis is written in one semester, that is, six months. If you consider that German is not my native language (not even close) and that I have a family (a husband, a child, and a dog on top of that), a year doesn’t seem too long at all, but just about right. So I’m not behind on anything, even though it felt like the opposite a million times.

What matters is that it’s done. Am I happy with the result? I don’t know. The perfectionist in me is never completely satisfied with anything. So at some point I had to tell myself: “Enough!”

Better done than perfect!

Now, where is that feeling of happiness and relief when you finally reach the goal you’ve been working toward? I hope it will come, someday, maybe…

So, what now?

As for the official part, all that’s left is to wait for the thesis to be reviewed and graded (which can take two months or more).

As for the unofficial part, first I’m going to rest a little, if I even manage to. Not because I don’t have the chance, but because of who I am. Don’t worry, I’ve had a list in my planner for ages of things I want to do and get done the moment I hand in the thesis. And yes, blogging more regularly is at the very top of that list. Honestly, I’ve really missed regular writing and reflecting, but the non-academic kind. Letting my brain off the leash and my fingers dance freely across the keyboard.

The Hardest Part

All the insecurity and the doubts about myself and my abilities aside, the hardest part for me was that for the last two and a half months I couldn’t devote myself to my family, especially to Sofia.

Marko, as always, played a masterful role in this whole story, taking on every possible and impossible responsibility around Sofia, the house and Beni, and I am immeasurably and indescribably grateful to him for it! And not once did he complain, even though I know it wasn’t easy for him, especially because as a family we have always worked by sharing everything: the chores, the responsibilities, and the good times too. He did everything so that I could sit and write for 8+ hours a day without having to worry about anything else.

Sofia understood. Or at least she tried to understand that Mama, even though she was at home in the other room, couldn’t cuddle and play with her whenever she wanted, couldn’t take her to daycare or pick her up, couldn’t go to the playground or on walks with her. “Mama must works writes,” she would say. She’d come over just to give me a kiss, or on her way out of the flat she’d say “nice day Mama”. And that was the hardest part for me. That I wasn’t there, even though I was there. Since she was born, I had never been so absent from her, and for so long, and that hurt.

She didn’t make a scene, she didn’t cry or throw tantrums, but she was visibly sad, especially during the last week of my active work. And that tore me in two, so much that I asked myself countless times whether all of this was worth it.

But then I would pull myself together and tell myself that I was doing all this partly for her, too. It wouldn’t be fair to say I was doing it all for her, for the simple reason that she wasn’t the one who asked Mama to finish a master’s. That is only my wish and what I love – to keep learning and build my place in the academic world. But what did push me forward, and had to do with Sofia alone, was knowing that the sooner I finished, the sooner I could devote myself to her 30 out of 24 hours a day.

And that pushed me forward.

Now Mama Is Fully There

Now she won’t leave my side for a second. It doesn’t matter what we do, all that matters is that Mama is there and that she’s laughing the whole time. Now she wants Mama to do everything – Mama takes her to daycare, Mama picks her up from daycare, Mama puts her to bed, Mama plays, Mama walks Beni with Sofia. Mama is finally fully there.

She says she’s happy, and I’m even happier when I see her smile. I know it was worth it. And I know I’ve honestly earned the right to do absolutely nothing for at least the next week, except be with her and enjoy ourselves. Everything else, and life as such, can wait that long.

Now Mama is there, and it’s time for Dad to go full steam ahead and finish his own master’s.

Without my family’s support, I wouldn’t be where I am, and I couldn’t dream of going even further, of pushing my own boundaries, and society’s too.