After you finish your studies comes a very difficult period: the period of what next.
And when bureaucracy hits with full force on top of that, your options shrink considerably, so you first need to sit down with yourself and think hard about what to do next, and then, of course, with your family (because when there are three of you, decisions that concern one person very much affect the other two).
Even though I loved my studies and hoped to go straight on to a PhD after my master’s, reality hit me hard over the head, not only with the fact that the visa situation is anything but simple, but with an even bigger obstacle: funding those studies.
Of course there are lots of scholarship opportunities in Germany, but the number of potential PhD candidates is huge, the competition is fierce, and many of the applicants aren’t under the pressure of securing bare survival not just for themselves but for their family too. Unfortunately, I have neither the means nor the nerves to spend months applying and waiting for the next selection round (if I even make it into one). We have no safety net here, and so no way of affording something like that.
Not to mention my mental and emotional unreadiness to set off on something like writing a PhD, that’s a topic of its own. After my master’s I felt like a squeezed lemon, without a single drop of inspiration left for more writing. I need a break and an objective perspective on all of it.
When the PhD Has to Wait
So after a long time of thinking and weighing things up, I decided to put my goal of getting a PhD aside and let it wait for me somewhere in the nearer or more distant future. Because hey, it’s not primary school, you’re not late for anything if you don’t get your doctorate by a certain age. And I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere. My family matters most to me, and there’s no arguing with that.
I think it hit Marko even harder than me, the fact that he’ll be continuing his academic path without me. Because we’ve always followed the same dreams and goals together, hand in hand. And now the situation is that I’ll just be working, while he’ll be working and writing his PhD at the same time (his starting position is different: in short, he got a position at the department where he’ll be working and doing his PhD in parallel, thank God).
From Applications to a Job
Before I started writing job applications, like any proper nerd I first went to several different counseling sessions on how to write them in the first place, how to apply, how to put together a good CV, what to pay special attention to… Then the active job hunt began. At first I applied “only” for jobs in my field across Bavaria, with the idea that we wouldn’t have to move and I’d “commute” if necessary, not just because of Marko’s job but above all because of Sofka’s kindergarten.
After thirty or so applications and not a single positive answer, you start to doubt yourself. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why?
Time goes by. And nothing happens.
Then I decided to find “any job at all”, because bills have to be paid and you have to eat, simple as that. But that turned out to be even harder than looking for a job in my field. They asked me for experience and references for the silliest jobs (like stocking shelves in a craft supplies store). Honestly, I didn’t care where or what I’d be doing, that’s how much the ground was burning under my feet.
And after two months of trudging every single day from company to company, from shop to shop, I was finally hired at a boutique in a big shopping mall, as a helper, on minimum pay (max. 450 euros a month).
After a while, I finally got an invitation to my first interview for a “real” job! The job is at the university, but it’s far from my field, and from the salary level the authorities here require for me to be allowed to stay. Despite that, I of course accepted it, knowing I’d have to keep looking for a job in my field. I accepted it above all because it gives me the chance to learn something new, and the people I work with are wonderful. I work part-time, which lets me work at the boutique at the same time and be with my family, which matters to me most of all.
Gratitude and What I Miss
Taking all of the above into account, I have no need to complain. In fact, I’m grateful to have both jobs. Is it easy to fit everything together? No. But unlike my studies, which demanded 24/7 commitment, when I come home from either job, I don’t even think about work, which is certainly no small advantage. Another advantage is that I can take Beni to my office at the uni, so he isn’t alone all day, which means a lot to all of us. And he has become the mascot of the department where I’m currently working.
Even though I’m very grateful for the jobs I have and I know I was lucky to get them, I have to be honest and admit that I miss the library. I miss the whole process of writing, from researching the literature, through endless reading and learning, all the way to the far-from-easy writing itself. Obviously more time has to pass before I get used to the idea that this long-held dream of mine will have to wait quite a while.
Dreams change, and so do goals. And change per se isn’t bad, sometimes we just need more time to get used to it. The moment we accept it, we begin to understand that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Sometimes you don’t get what you want, but what you need (I don’t know where this quote comes from, but it’s so true).
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