After finishing your studies comes a very difficult period – the period of what now.

And when bureaucracy hits with full force on top of that, your options shrink considerably. You first need to sit with yourself and think carefully about what to do next – and then, of course, with your family (because when there are three of you, decisions that concern one person very much affect the other two).

Although I had loved my studies and hoped to go straight into a PhD after my Master’s, reality hit me hard – not only through a visa situation that was anything but straightforward, but through an even bigger obstacle: funding that very PhD.

Of course, there are many scholarship opportunities in Germany – but the number of potential doctoral candidates is large, the competition enormous, and most of the applicants aren’t under the pressure of securing basic survival not just for themselves but for their entire family. Unfortunately, I have neither the means nor the nerve to spend months applying and waiting for the next selection round – if I even make it to one. We have no safety net here, and therefore no possibility of affording something like that.

Not to mention the psychological and emotional unreadiness for embarking on something as daunting as writing a doctoral thesis – that’s a topic in itself. After my Master’s, I felt like a squeezed lemon with not a drop of inspiration left for further writing. I need rest and an objective perspective on everything.

When the PhD Has to Wait

So after a long period of thinking and weighing everything up, I decided to set aside my goal of doing a PhD and let it wait for me somewhere in the nearer or more distant future. Because hey, this isn’t compulsory education – you’re not late if you haven’t got a doctorate by a certain age. And I’m in no hurry. My family is what matters most to me, and there’s no arguing with that.

I think it hit Marko even harder than it hit me – the fact that he’ll be continuing with academic development without me. Because we’ve always pursued the same dreams and goals, side by side, together. And now the situation is such that I’ll just be working, while he’ll be working and writing his PhD at the same time (his starting position is different – in short, he got a position at the department where he’ll be working and writing his PhD simultaneously. Thank God).

From Applications to a Job

Before I started writing applications, being the thorough bookworm I am, I first went to several career counselling sessions – how to write applications at all, how to apply, how to put together a good CV, what to pay special attention to… Then the active job search began. At first I applied “only” for positions in my field across Bavaria, with the idea that we wouldn’t have to move and I could commute if necessary – not just because of Marko’s job but above all because of Sofka’s kindergarten.

After about 30 applications sent out and not a single positive response, you start doubting yourself. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why?

Time passes. And nothing happens.

Then I decided to find “any job at all” – because bills have to be paid and food has to be on the table, simple as that. But that turned out to be even harder than looking for work in my field. They were asking for experience and references for the most basic of jobs (like stacking shelves in an arts and crafts shop). Honestly, it didn’t matter to me where or what I worked – things were that urgent.

And after two months of walking from company to company, shop to shop every single day, I was finally taken on at a boutique in a large shopping centre as a part-time helper on minimum wage (maximum 450 euros a month).

After some time I finally received the invitation to my first interview for a “real” job! The position is at a university, but it’s far from my field – and from the salary level the authorities here require for me to be allowed to stay. Despite that, I of course accepted the job, knowing I’d have to keep looking for work in my field on the side. I accepted above all because it gives me the opportunity to learn something new, and the people I work with are wonderful. I work part-time, which allows me to work the boutique job simultaneously, and to be with my family – which matters most to me.

 

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Gratitude – and What I Miss

Taking all of the above into account, I have no reason to complain. On the contrary – I’m grateful to have both jobs. That it’s easy to fit everything together, it isn’t. But unlike my studies, which demanded 24/7 engagement, once I come home from either job I don’t think about work at all – which is no small advantage. Another bonus: I’m allowed to bring Beni into my office at the university, so he’s not alone all day – which means a lot to all of us. He’s become the mascot of the department I currently work in.

Even though I’m very grateful for the jobs I have and I know I was lucky to get them, I have to be honest and admit that I miss the library. I miss the whole process of writing – from researching literature, through endless reading and learning, all the way to the by-no-means-easy writing itself. Clearly, more time needs to pass before I get used to the idea that this long-held dream of mine will have to wait quite a while longer.

Dreams change, goals too. And change in itself isn’t bad – sometimes we just need more time to get used to it. The moment we accept it, we start to understand that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Sometimes you don’t get what you want – you get what you need. (I don’t know where this quote originates, but it’s so true.)

S-Mama