They say we should be happy once we become parents, and yet we feel some kind of sadness. How do we know when it’s postpartum depression?

Bringing a child into the world is a huge thing!

And while we usually focus on the birth itself and prepare for that, we’re rarely truly ready for what comes after — a lifetime of caring for a new person.

So many feelings surface in those first moments, days, months, constantly tangled together — insecurity, fear, exhaustion, happiness, excitement, worry, self-doubt…

Can I actually do this? How am I going to manage all of it? Am I doing this right? Who knows how many questions like these spin through your head every single day.

But what if those questions aren’t as harmless as they seem?

I wouldn’t say I had depression after having Sofka, but I’d be lying if I said every moment was carefree.

Very often, especially during the nights when I was breastfeeding her, while everyone else in the house slept, I had thoughts that made me doubt my abilities as a mother, to put it mildly.

The fact that I was, at the time, the only one in my immediate circle who’d had a baby meant I had no one to share those experiences and emotions with.

I don’t personally know anyone who’s struggled with postpartum depression.

Is that because genuinely no one around me has had it, or — the far more likely explanation — because we simply don’t talk about it, since we all know that feelings, especially the negative ones, are still deeply taboo in our society.

What kind of mother are you if you’re not overjoyed by your child every single moment of your life and theirs? is a voice so deeply lodged in each of our heads that saying it out loud almost feels redundant (which, of course, doesn’t stop plenty of people from saying it anyway).

And postpartum depression is a very real problem, one our great-grandmothers probably fought too (they just didn’t have a name for it).

In fact, according to the book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry, between 10 and 15 percent of new mothers are affected by postpartum depression every year. (Perry, 2020, pos. 1690).

So I went looking for expert advice. Aleksandra Jedvaj is a psychologist with a master’s degree who, besides being an expert on the topic, has also lived it herself, as a mother.

postporodjajna depresija

Aleksandra Jedvaj

1. How do we tell the difference between the exhaustion and overwhelm that comes with becoming a parent, and actual postnatal depression?

After a baby arrives, the widest range of emotions will surface throughout our journey called parenting, along with exhaustion that will come and go. Because having a child, or children, takes both mental and physical effort, and it isn’t something you do once and check off — it’s a lifelong process.

According to research, postpartum depression tends to appear within the first 4 to 8 weeks, or within a few months, after giving birth.

It’s accompanied by the following symptoms:

  • insomnia or excessive sleepiness, fatigue
  • frequent mood swings and sudden shifts
  • feelings of loneliness, sadness, excessive worry and concern for the baby
  • neglect of the baby
  • irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, and difficulty concentrating
  • appetite changes (from severe appetite loss to overeating)
  • hyperactivity or chronic exhaustion
  • a sense of being unable to cope, feelings of weakness and helplessness
  • negative thinking, memory and concentration difficulties, lowered self-esteem
  • feelings of guilt and helplessness, emotional instability
  • avoiding contact with people
  • panic attacks…

If these feelings don’t go away, or get worse, there’s a real possibility it’s postpartum depression.

2. How does postpartum depression most commonly show up?

Postpartum depression shows up in various ways, often as a combination of several of the factors, feelings, and states we listed in the previous answer. And it differs from person to person.

In practice, it’s often that feeling of helplessness, of being alone and isolated, accompanied by shifting emotions, often paired with crying and negative thoughts and sentences like “I don’t know how I’ll manage, I can’t, I don’t know how, I can’t take this, this is so hard, I feel like this will never end…”

3. What are the possible causes of postnatal depression?

Postpartum depression and its causes differ from person to person, and there’s never just one single reason.

We can say it’s a combination of the physical and emotional changes a woman goes through during pregnancy and after giving birth.

There’s also the factor of family history (whether anyone in the family has had anxiety or depression, or whether the person themselves has experienced it before).

postporodjajna depresija

What happens when you know where you’re headed on the parenting path, but you can’t quite see how to get there?

4. Who should we turn to in these situations? Especially if the people around us keep insisting “there’s nothing wrong with you,” that “you’re just being dramatic,” and try to convince us that we don’t actually feel what we feel — which I believe is far too often a problem in our society?

We still live in a society, and we were raised to suppress our feelings, to deny them, to pretend everything’s fine — to believe that what we feel isn’t okay to feel, that we’re not allowed to feel it, because we might be labeled as weak, as not good enough as people, and, in our particular context — as not good enough mothers, not fit for the role, if we say something is hard.

And it is hard. Definitely.

Parenting is woven through with every emotion, the beautiful ones and the less beautiful ones alike. We’re just so rarely given permission to express them, and so we end up forbidding ourselves from even feeling and showing them.

I hope that, through our own example, our own experience, and conversations and texts like this one, we can slowly help normalize the fact that the harder, less beautiful feelings are just as much a part of parenting as the indescribable joy children bring us.

Who should you turn to? Your GP, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a psychotherapist.

An important part of it is having the chance to actually be heard — to talk about what you truly feel and what you’re going through, in your own personal experience, instead of what you’re “supposed to” feel.

5. What about mothers who are expecting a second or third child, and had postpartum depression after their first? Is their fear of “going through it again” justified? And how can they try to prevent it, if that’s even possible?

Fear rooted in a previous experience is absolutely real.

What we can do is get as informed as possible about what’s coming, and about the range of ways it can unfold.

Understanding the possible scenarios, and the different ways the coming period might play out, can bring a real sense of calm and security about what’s ahead.

What I’d personally recommend, and what I did myself the second time around, is building a support system:

  • figuring out how we’ll take care of the baby — feeding, changing, bathing
  • figuring out the household tasks — cleaning, ironing, meals
  • and who’s going to take care of the mother in those first, most intense days, so she can take care of the baby

There are also support groups, which are a wonderful way for a mother to support herself. There’s actually one such group currently in the works, built on personal experience and knowledge I’d like to share with other mothers.

6. How does postpartum depression affect the children themselves?

The most obvious consequence of postpartum depression shows up in the relationship between mother and child:

  • less attention
  • less physical affection (touch, cuddling, being held)
  • less vocal and visual communication with the baby (less talking, smiling, conversing, singing)

Because of this reduced contact and interaction between mother and baby, developmental issues or delays can occur relative to the usual developmental process — affecting things like language acquisition, learning to walk, and later, the child’s emotional responses and behavior.

So the motivation to seek help in overcoming postpartum depression isn’t just about the mother feeling better — it’s about the whole relationship with the child, so the child is well too.

That’s why it’s important to start with prevention as early as possible.

postporodjajna depresija

Dad postpartum?

7. Thankfully, there’s been more and more discussion of postpartum depression in recent years, but the fact that fathers can be its victims too is less well known. Philippa Perry notes that as many as 10 percent of fathers suffer from this disorder. How does it show up in fathers? Is there anything specific to gender, or to a particular parenting role, connected to when depression appears?

Dads, just like moms, are living beings who also go through an enormous change with the arrival of a child.

DPP (dad postpartum) in fathers was first defined in 2001, and larger-scale research has only really been conducted since last year.

Since it’s a less-studied area, some of the symptoms in fathers can include:

  • lack of sleep
  • hormonal changes
  • panic attacks and phobias
  • restlessness and helplessness
  • decreased libido
  • weight gain
  • digestive issues…

All of this can, in some cases, lead to a strained relationship with a partner, along with a sense of inadequacy in the role of “dad,” and escaping into work.

8. Is there actually a way to prevent postpartum depression, regardless of which family member is affected? If so, what would your advice be?

We can never be fully prepared for the role of parent — it’s something you achieve through practice, through the actual experience of the child arriving and taking on that role.

We can certainly get as informed as possible about everything the coming period brings; there are various courses, seminars, and books that can make all of it easier.

Books I’d recommend:

My advice would be SUPPORT.

Think about how you can support your partner, and how you yourself can be supported.

Clear communication plays a huge role in this.

Because support — and the feeling that someone wants to support you, whether or not they fully understand your current state — makes the whole process of adjustment so much easier, and that adjustment is key to healthy family relationships.

If you can’t find that support, or if it’s missing, definitely reach out to a professional.

9. Is there such a thing as “parental depression” in psychology — meaning parents of toddlers or older children who show depressive symptoms? And how do you deal with it?

If postpartum depression isn’t treated in time, once the symptoms are recognized from the start, it can later show up in the relationship with children, with toddlers, as irritable behavior, heightened anger, and an inability to express emotions and behave in a socially acceptable way.

That’s why preventing postpartum depression as early as possible matters so much — so we can build healthy, meaningful relationships with ourselves and with others.

S-Mama and Aleksandra Jedvaj