How do you fight it? I’m asking you, too!
It’s only noon, and I’m already on my third coffee of the morning. Sofka is at daycare for about three more hours. Marko has eased off writing his own master’s thesis so he can take care of the house and Sofka a bit more, all so that I can write like a normal human being.
And honestly, looking at it from the outside, I have every condition and precondition in place to just sit down and write.
And yet, something just won’t budge. Not a shred of inspiration. And a touch of depression is grinning at me on that front, too…
What’s wrong, I don’t even know myself.
I’ve read a mountain of literature, I have the concept of my thesis in my head and on paper, and I decided to (finally) finish that famous first chapter that has been tormenting me for a couple of months. And so I started writing. But the main problem is that yesterday everything I’d written seemed brilliant to me, and today I’d rather delete it all, because I can’t believe so much nonsense fits on such a small (virtual) sheet of paper.
And honestly, I’m embarrassed now when people ask me “so when are you finally going to finish that master’s?”. Okay, there’s also a bit of anger when the question comes from someone who has never written two words in their life, let alone studied anything, and tells me “come on, just sit down and write it already”. That’s when it’s smartest to keep quiet, because I’d say all sorts of things and nothing good would come of it. But you see the problem. And when the question comes from people who actually have some experience with these things, then I honestly start to worry about myself and my work, and I ask myself, too: “come on, when are you going to finish?”
Brilliant Yesterday. Delete It All Today.
It all sounds very simple from the outside, but when you sit down in front of your laptop and start copying quotes from countless books while also writing down your own thoughts and observations (just a reminder: not in your native language), a mental block appears out of nowhere.
A crisis. How and why, I don’t know. How do I fight it? I’m looking for ways that work.
And time keeps ticking…
Small Changes
I read somewhere that changing at least a few small everyday habits gets you to the goal you want. Since big changes like travelling, moving house and the like are out of the question right now, I’m happy to try to get myself going with small changes.
Well, autumn is on its way, and I think I’m looking forward to it more than ever. It’s one of the changes that does me good. For me, autumn means hot tea, new candle scents, rain that sounds more beautiful than any motivational music, and memories of the start of the school year (which I really looked forward to as a little girl). I love the changing seasons, and I love living somewhere that, thank God, has all four. Just when you get used to (read: bored of) one scene outside, it’s time for everything to change, and our feelings change along with it.
Thank you, autumn.
The second change I’ve made is staying at home instead of going to the reading room every day. I like being alone at my new desk, surrounded by things I love and that usually inspire me.
Material things can’t get me going, at least not me and not in the long run, so shopping is ruled out as a motivator (books are excluded from this equation; I can always buy new ones and they inspire me a lot, but that’s part of a different “problem”).
I’ve decided to start doing yoga again. I resisted it for a long time, because I thought I didn’t have time for exercise, since I had to write my master’s thesis. But I can’t go on like this. My mind needs a break, so it can reset and get going again. Cycling is part of everyday life, and I don’t count it as exercise per se. That’s why I’ve decided to spend half an hour every morning doing yoga, not only because it does me good, but also because I can do it at home, in any weather (which means I don’t have to go to the other end of town and lose even more time that I could be spending writing).
That Little Worm in My Head
Actually, my biggest problem is the guilt that haunts me whenever I’m doing anything that isn’t related to my thesis. Okay, I’ll read a book “for my soul” to relax and recharge so I can be more productive, but how do I turn off that switch in my brain, that little worm that pops up every now and then and says “you should be writing, not wasting time”?
Does all of this have a positive effect on me? Yes and no, depending on the day. But I’m trying. And I’ll fight myself with all my might until I win.
And how do you deal with your own crises of inspiration and motivation?
The point of this post (apart from getting it off my chest, because once things are on paper, they become real) is that we ALL have “crises”, even when we’re doing what we usually enjoy and love most.
Right, I’m off to write my master’s thesis now (or at least try), because my coffee has gone cold, and it’s about time I gave it a little attention today.
Wish me luck.
S-Mama
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