Lucky me with Marko

If every time I heard the phrase “lucky you with Marko” I bought myself a book, our library would be, without false modesty, at least twice as big.

Yes, I know Marko is wonderful. I’m very aware that “there are few like him” men. And yes, I’m sorry there aren’t a hundred born brothers just like him, so I could “share” them with every interested candidate.

Yes, I know I’m lucky to have him, and I should appreciate that.

But slowly, my dear ones. Let’s pull the handbrake and see what’s actually not quite normal in this whole story.

The most common narrative in these mentioned comments is actually that I’m happy I found him, but (probably what’s rarely said aloud but strongly felt as an undertone) that I don’t actually deserve him.

In all this admiration, what stands out to me the most is that it’s expressed by individuals of the female gender who already have partners, in most cases at least. How come I, blind hen, got lucky, and they haven’t, and the luck they do have, it would be better if it were different.

The problem isn’t with Marko here. He is perfect for me (most of the time, anyway), but my dear ones, I chose him. This isn’t about calculated partner selection like ticking off items on your “my perfect gentleman must…” list. No. Far from it. In fact, I never had that list, but that’s another topic.

This is actually about rational partner selection because feelings are supposed to be a given.

Let’s start from the basics. We live in the 21st century where arranged marriages and similar arrangements, at least in our part of the world, have long been outdated. So WE are the ones who choose who we’ll spend our days with. Which means, no one is forcing you at gunpoint to be with someone who doesn’t suit you for whatever reason.

Of course, the freedom to choose isn’t easy. Because how do we know if we’ve chosen right, or if something better might come along?

Every freedom has a price, and this one, in choosing a partner, has the price of responsibility. So, by choosing a partner, WE are the ones taking responsibility, and WE are the ones at fault if we haven’t chosen well.

In my opinion, there are two reasons why choosing can be problematic. The first is because we usually choose based on unrealistic expectations we set for that someone.

No, fairy tale princes don’t exist, and no, you can’t sculpt your perfect partner to all your unrealistic standards. Sorry, but that is the truth.

The second problem, which is directly related to the first, is modeling the existing.

In addition to the unrealistic expectations we often have of our “perfect” partner, we often start from the premise – everything about them that I don’t like, I will change. OH NO, you won’t!

First of all, who are you to actually tailor anyone to your liking? And secondly, those tailors usually don’t allow even a thread from their own perfection to peek out or be cut by that same partner – the so-called I‘m perfect, you’re not narrative.

Is it possible that it’s easier to live in the delusion called “I’ll change them” than to simply admit to ourselves “they’re not for me”?

I know it’s a cliché, but you really have to accept your partner as they are, with all their flaws, and if those flaws don’t seem colossal to you, then you can think about that life.

What’s your deal breaker?

In every relationship, it’s very important to set boundaries for how far you’re willing to compromise, but also to know what your so-called “deal breaker” is.

For example, my dear friend, who is a very successful and self-aware woman, relatively recently ended a long-term relationship with her partner not because she didn’t love him, not because they didn’t share ambitions, but because of his attitude towards household chores. He was “perfect on paper,” but not in real everyday life. He believed it was a woman’s job to do absolutely everything around the house. A modern guy, no doubt. And when you consider that they both spend the same amount of time at work, both work very diligently, the only difference is that when they come home, SHE has to cook something, SHE has to do the laundry, SHE has to clean the apartment.

Of course, she tried in every possible and impossible way to talk to him and explain to him that she’s his partner, but not his personal maid. Unfortunately, none of that bore fruit. hen she turned around and said (at least in my head, that scene looks like this) that famous Samantha line “I love you, but I love myself more” and left. Was it easy for her? Of course not, she loved him, and she was happy with him. But when she looked at things from the perspective that throughout their potential life together, she would be the one who would have to do everything alone (what would happen when children came into play, I’m afraid to even think about it), she simply said no. And that’s how it’s done. She chose herself.

Better to be alone with quality than to be in poor company.

On the other hand, another acquaintance is currently planning her wedding with a man she has absolutely nothing in common with, except the desire to “settle down” because “it’s time for them.” They live under the misconception that “opposites attract.” But is it really like that and how sustainable is such coexistence? She loves to travel, he only likes to go “to countries poorer than his own so he can bask and feel superior.” She wants to finish her doctorate and work in academia, he thinks she doesn’t need to because she should be a mother.

But it’s important that the dress is beautiful, that many people will come to the wedding, that she’ll get married before her older sister, that mom and dad will be happy, and that they’ll take out a mortgage for an apartment – because those are the important things?! She chooses not to be alone at all costs because she’s convinced she’ll never find better.

Are they both living in the illusion that they’ll reshape each other to fit their own measures, or are they simply content with the fact that they won’t be alone, I couldn’t say. But you understand what the problem is, right?

A piece of paper (doesn’t) change everything

Weddings are beautiful events, more or less important to some, but be aware that that one day won’t fundamentally change anything. The frog won’t turn into the prince of your dreams. No, you’ll marry (or live in other forms of union) the same person you were with yesterday. One signature fundamentally changes nothing.

There’s a greater chance that the minor annoyances you have before deciding to spend a good part of your life with someone will eventually grow into major frustrations than that you’ll “correct” them.

So if your partner doesn’t even want to make you coffee in the relationship, let alone do more around the house, they won’t suddenly start in marriage. If they enjoy being unfaithful in the relationship and claim they’ll stop in marriage – no, they won’t.

And no, guys or husbands, are not our children whom we should raise alongside our actual children. Because we don’t want to be, nor do we wish to be, their mothers! (And believe me, I’ve heard that cliché about “raising” husbands more than a few times.)

It should be understood early on that you can’t expect mama’s boys, who until yesterday lived like bears, to suddenly become Mr. Clean, pick up rags, and start tidying up the house. Nor will Don Juans become faithful husbands. (I believe there are exceptions, but I also believe they’re rare.)

Equally unrealistic is for them to expect us to transform from women with ambitions into cleaners and housewives if we haven’t harbored such aspirations so far.

Princes, as well as princesses, only live in fairy tales. We’re all real people, so why do we expect unrealistic things from each other?

What’s actually important?

Each person determines for themselves what’s important in a future life partner and what isn’t; there’s not much wisdom there. But there are some minimums you should think about.

Shouldn’t it matter who you wake up next to EVERY morning? Shouldn’t it matter that you always have a topic for conversation with that someone and a reason to smile? Shouldn’t it matter how quickly and effectively you solve problems after arguments? Shouldn’t it matter whether BOTH of you want to have children or not? Shouldn’t it matter whether you support each other in ambitions and dreams or not? Shouldn’t it matter that responsibilities are shared in your home, and that one partner doesn’t bear everything on their shoulders?

Everything mentioned above has been very important to Marko and me from the start.

Of course, neither he nor I are perfect, nor is our relationship. Of course, it’s not fireworks every day. Of course, each of us has our quirks (let’s not say demons).

But when you “draw the line,” we complement and support each other (loving each other is a given).

So that’s why I’m “lucky with Marko.” And that’s why we chose each other.

Many times on this blog, it’s been mentioned how Marko and I share everything, primarily when it comes to taking care of Sofia, and then regarding household chores. We’re not a patriarchal family (thank God); we’re a feminist family where all members of the community are EQUAL. And I can’t imagine it being any different because I can’t imagine my life with anyone else but him.

And I agree that it’s wonderful that Marko cooks meals, clears the table, and washes the dishes. I agree it’s wonderful that he takes care of his child as much as I do, that he devotes himself to her, that he takes her to and picks her up from daycare, bathes her, changes her, plays with her. And the list could go on endlessly.

We’ve created a community together where we live, and it wasn’t easy at all, especially not in the first year – that year when we were getting to know each other’s habits and creating new habits as a couple, not individually. And that’s partnership. Equality.

Of course, there are so many little things about Marko that bother me, and vice versa, but as long as those little things don’t turn into serious problems and obstacles to normal functioning, they’re harmless to the overall relationship. Because no, I don’t like watching football, I can’t stand listening to Moskri, I get annoyed when he makes noise while I’m sleeping… Similarly, he can’t watch movies and series about witches, vampires, and other supernatural beings, he’s irritated that I regularly put others’ needs before mine, he can’t understand how I can be cold when he’s hot…

We’re a couple, but above all, we’re individuals who function excellently both individually and together.

And that’s the trick.

So, determine for yourselves what’s really important to you, and if that’s not what you have, move on. Because not all women are the same, nor are all men the same.

And yes, my Marko doesn’t have a twin brother, and yes, he’s already very busy, and no, we’re not planning for him to be single again. Sorry.

And no one should be looking for my Marko or someone just like him. Marko shouldn’t be an exception to admire. Marko should be everyone (whatever their name and wherever they come from). And no, you shouldn’t be looking for someone similar to my Marko but see who “your Marko” is and what you need.

In any case, when I get irritated enough with endless comments of “lucky you,” despite the many arguments I present on that topic, I simply like to say – It’s not lucky me, it’s lucky him. I very much deserve all of this.. 😉

Sincerely,

S-Mama