What’s easier – staying where you are, dissatisfied with yourself and the circumstances around you? Or stepping into the unknown and discovering so much about yourself along the way? Let life happen.
The first option is easier, of course. But the second is so much more beautiful!
From someone who was wrapped up in the warmth of a family home, where I didn’t have to worry about whether I’d have clean trousers – let alone about finances – I became someone who grew up and is completely independent.
For almost 6 years now I’ve been living alone, in a country I wasn’t born in. I study and work at the same time.
I pay my own bills and take care of my own basic needs.
I enjoy life – even though I can’t say that all the circumstances I’ve found myself in over these 6 years have been easy.
Would I Change Anything? And Why Not?
No – because I feel a profound sense of relief. In the sense that life is so much easier and freer when you live alone.
I don’t have to depend on anyone.
I don’t think about when I have to be home – that was, for example, my greatest source of stress when I still lived with my parents.
After so many years of independent living, honestly, I don’t even notice those little things anymore, because they’ve become part of my routine and normal way of functioning – I don’t think about them at all (except for the purposes of this post, of course).
I’ve noticed that when I go home for a visit and then come back here, there are things I could no longer do the way I used to. It’s genuinely hard for me to imagine going back to how things were before, and fitting into a different kind of community.
Because since I became independent, I value and enjoy my own company so much more.
When I come home from work or university, for example, I love being alone with myself, unwinding – and then I can carry on.
What I enjoy most is this sense of lightness – that at no point do I have to justify to anyone why I feel like doing something, or don’t feel like it. That’s the greatest transformation and relief for me.
And in a way, that’s also part of growing up and maturing.
To the Ana of 6 years ago I’d say: Enjoy life! Relax! Let yourself go! Try new things! Finally step out of your comfort zone!
Have I Changed?
Oh, I have!
I no longer stay silent with anyone. And that’s the greatest liberation compared to the Ana I used to be. That’s the biggest step out of my comfort zone – out of the way I was raised. Yes, I simply respond to people without being afraid of how they’ll react.
I’m angry, I don’t want to, I’m upset, I’m happy, I disagree with you, I don’t like that! These are all sentences I couldn’t have imagined coming out of my mouth before – because I’m a good girl, that’s how I was raised.
The piercing I got about a year ago is another big step forward. It was something I’d always wanted to do but never quite dared, because somewhere it was considered “too extreme.” And then I did it – and haven’t regretted it for a single second.
As for studying: I study when I feel like studying, and do something else when I don’t. I no longer have that pressure of “you’re this many years old and have nothing to show for it, you’ve already changed courses twice, when are you going to finish.”
I’ll finish when and if I want to and am able to!
The worst kind of pressure is the kind we impose on ourselves.
Time passes, and nothing happens.
From time to time this self-imposed pressure kills. I tell myself, “push harder.”
And then I realize – I can’t do more than this! That I’m giving everything I have, and then some.
In reality I basically just sleep at home. Between two university jobs, studying, and training, I still manage to take care of myself and my social life, and finally travel. The day ends up too short, but I spend it actively.
Not Everything Has to Happen Right Now.
There is no time limit by which any field on some non-existent list of expectations has to be ticked off.
It makes sense that your way of thinking changes when your circumstances change.
Now I live alone in a foreign country – and when I look back 6 years to how I thought then: that I had to get everything done on time and in order “according to that list.” Now I’ve understood that I don’t have to – for the simple reason that life doesn’t work that way.
Everything can be organised differently, done differently – you can set your own rules and goals, change deadlines, or get rid of them entirely.
Because who says it has to be this way or that way? Only me!
Because a change in the way you think, and therefore the way you act, leads to simple consequences – that you can live so much more and have so much more fun!
I’m fairly certain that if I’d stayed in Niš, I would have finished university by now (maybe), would be sitting at home, rarely going out… I’d probably have fallen into an even bigger rut than the one I was in before, because I probably wouldn’t have found a job in my field and would still be living with my parents…
That’s why I love the life I’ve built for myself. Which sometimes isn’t easy in the slightest. But at the end of the day is beautiful – because it’s built to my own measure.
Life Isn’t All Sunshine and Rainbows
The hardest moment since arriving in Germany was when there was a real possibility that I’d have to go back to Serbia in two days because I wouldn’t be able to renew my visa.
A year before Covid – when you think everything is finally ok and everything will go smoothly – and then boom! At the last moment it turns out I actually won’t be able to renew my visa and will probably have to return to Serbia within the next two days.
Everything I had built up until then – I had made solid progress at university, had a good job, friends, all of it could have disappeared in an instant. That period had been quite relaxed for me, because I’d really found my feet, especially financially.
And then suddenly – bang! Others pulled the ground out from under me in an instant.
What now, if I have to go back? Who will I be? How will I make peace with the idea that everything I went through was for nothing?
I’d have to start all over again. And it’s not my fault.
Thankfully there are still good and selfless people in this world – and with their help I found a way to stay after all.
What Drives Me in Those Moments of Hopelessness?
The fact that I know I am so much more than some ordinary failure – and that I can overcome smaller and bigger obstacles alike. And that these difficult experiences actually serve as lessons so that in future experiences I push through more easily.
Because life isn’t only black and white.
Because giving up at the first obstacle is the easiest thing there is.
I see how with time I become stronger and stronger, standing more and more firmly on my own two feet, more aware of my own power.
What drives me most is actually physical activity. Because from someone who had “a fear of balls” I’ve become someone who loves doing different kinds of sport – on a daily basis.
It might sound strange, but everything starts in your head. The simple thought “I can’t do this,” when it shifts to “why not, let me try” – suddenly everything becomes possible.
Because when you’re relaxed in your thoughts and don’t tell yourself I can’t do this, but instead just let yourself try – then maybe you succeed. And the more you practice, the better you get at it.
The Ana of 10 years ago was tense, level minus infinity. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was a weak two. Now I’m between 7 and 8 – because there’s still material for growth there, which is also my goal.
Last year I was at a 4, and now I’m at an 8.
The feeling of freedom when I relax is irreplaceable!
How good I feel in my own skin when I relax. That’s my exit from the comfort zone.
Now I give myself the chance to try something – like volleyball, for example. And when I realize that I can do it and that it’s fun – that’s the feeling of freedom for me. Because then you understand that there are no limits. And with every new experience you become freer and start wondering what comes next!
I’ve freed myself from my own fears! From my own shackles, set in the environment you grew up in as something you considered right and the only possibility, without questioning whether it’s suitable for you or not – you just accepted it.
Simply by recognizing that everything imposed on you can be changed – you set yourself free.
I will express myself and my feelings!
And when, as someone who has always put the needs and feelings of others first – whether in friendships or romantic relationships – you realize: but why – I have my own self, my own thoughts, and I can say them out loud without feeling guilty about it.
That is freedom.
You don’t get there overnight. All kinds of situations contributed to it – as did books, podcasts, and meeting different people with different experiences.
But you have to let life happen to you.
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