What Makes a Real Man: 10 Rules from a Husband and Dad

These days the Balkan media are once again full of news about falling birth rates, macho culture, gender equality, and women being blamed because there is no baby crying at home… Of course, the focus is once again on women’s fault that there are fewer and fewer children, and once again nobody mentions the responsibility of men and husbands. Since I belong to that sex myself, and since things are done a little differently in our home (although I sincerely hope we belong to the majority of young families who live the way I am about to describe), I would like to share my experience with you.

I am the proud parent of one little Sofia, husband of Milica, uncle of Anđela, brother of Jelica, son of Ružica, son-in-law of Ana and Dobrila… There are a lot of women around me, and I really do care about how they live and whether they are overloaded with all kinds of duties at home and in the family (although I am not the only attentive man in our family… there are plenty of us).

Of course I have a soft spot for them, and of course I want the best for them, and for all women for that matter. That is why I don’t want to start this post with their “fault” or with their worries and duties. I will start with us men and with what makes a real man! I will start with my own idea of a “macho man”! Tony Parsons once wrote “A Man’s Manifesto” for the Serbian magazine Nedeljnik. Here I will present a somewhat different concept, one that, in my humble opinion, would change the world for the better and make life easier for everyone. So let’s begin…

S-Dad and Sofia at the playground on spring rider rocking horses

A real man is a good husband and the best dad.

What makes a real man

1. A real man takes responsibility for what he does and doesn’t whine! That isn’t easy and it takes a lot of effort, but it makes life more beautiful and happier. I learned from my wife not to whine, because it leads nowhere and helps no one. Our people whine a lot and cultivate the pattern of the victim who suffers and goes under in that suffering every day (we would all like to suffer like Jesus and earn the Kingdom of Heaven that way). But that only leads into even deeper darkness and usually into depression. So: take responsibility for your own actions, no whining, head up and on to new victories. Life is a fight for a better day! Life is too short to spend it complaining that things aren’t good, that we would like to but can’t, that we don’t have the conditions and so on. If you don’t have the conditions, create them!

2. A real man goes to the birth with his wife and takes part in it. I know we live in a country where this is possible without any paperwork, but as I have already written about, in the Balkans our wives are often treated very badly, and we have to stand up for them and be their support and their rock in that most beautiful, and for them also very painful, moment! It is important to see what pain our wives go through and how strong they are (often stronger than we are).

3. A real man bathes the baby (together with his wife), changes nappies and plays with his child. The child belongs to both of you, not just to mum (or just to dad)! If you wanted a child, why wouldn’t you take part in their growing up? Even if someone didn’t want a child, the child is here now, so let’s see what good can come of it! The easiest thing is to let things take their course and step aside… and where does that lead? Do you want to leave things to chance, or take your life into your own hands?

4. A real man cooks! You often hear that men are better cooks than women. Maybe I am being immodest, but I think it’s true. We men cook better and we should make use of that talent. Mima and I both love cooking and keep coming up with new dishes, so besides the fact that one of us can always cook (when the other is tired and out of ideas), the bonus is that we make all kinds of dishes and rarely get bored of our menu. Cooking really is lovely, and it really does make life easier when both partners are good at it.

5. A real man does an equal share of the housework, and by that I mean washing the dishes, vacuuming, doing the laundry (in the machine), scrubbing the bathroom (and the toilet, folks), taking out the rubbish… There is nothing terrible about picking up a cloth and cleaning the flat, and a cleaning cloth is not an organ that only women are born with. Mima and I wanted our own flat and an independent life so much, and that wish came true. So how could I not take care of something I wanted so much? How could I not care whether the sink is full of dishes? It is our home and I want it to be clean and beautiful. And of course we share the housework.

6. A real man doesn’t drink! I don’t mean giving up alcohol completely (although that is neither bad nor impossible). We have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner now and then, that is not the issue. But why get drunk? Is there a greater drug than love in a family? Drinking isn’t macho! Macho is the exact opposite: getting drunk not on alcohol, but on love!

7. A real man enjoys his family and is devoted to it, instead of partying with his mates until morning. I honestly mean this! Spending time with friends is great, partying until dawn with your mates is great, but everything in its own time. “I’m married, but I live like a bachelor” is neither a nice nor an admirable idea. We all grow up at some point and become more mature… Even as a teenager I didn’t like those old guys who thought they were still young and cool. Everything in its own time!

8. A real man doesn’t have to make it up to his wife (or girlfriend) with presents on International Women’s Day, her birthday, their anniversary and other “important days”, because he is attentive all year round. Honestly, buying gifts to make up for things has always annoyed me (although sometimes that is useful too). When you are attentive all year, at least there is no pressure not to forget the date and to figure out what to buy her and how. After all, being a gentleman is never a matter of the moment, it is a way of life.

9. A real man makes decisions together with his wife, because it is easier to share the load than to take everything on yourself and then collapse. I think that is essential, especially today. And it’s easier! We try to share every burden and every responsibility, so life is immeasurably easier for both of us. When it comes to sharing responsibility, I always think of the great Moses, who judged the whole people by himself and was dropping from exhaustion until his father-in-law advised him to share the responsibility with respected men from among the people. Moses took the advice and immediately lightened his load, and neither he nor the people were any worse off for it.

10. A real man can’t wait to get home and be with his family, who are his motivation for everything he does in life! Even though this point comes last, in my opinion it is the most important. It is something you have to want, build and nurture.