MENTAL LOAD of MOTHERS: The burden we carry every day – and no one sees it!

Early morning, around half past five. I haven’t even opened my eyes yet because I know I still have time to sleep before the alarm announces the start of a new workday. But my mind doesn’t care.

It starts racing full speed:

  • What should I pack for Sofka’s snack today? (Mentally going through the fridge and what we have available);
  • I need to pack her helmet and ski gloves because she’s going ice skating with school today;
  • Don’t forget to give her money for the theater, the teacher said they are going next week.
  • Oh, I still haven’t gone down to the basement to check what we can donate for the local homeless shelter!
  • Benny is coming with me to work today, don’t forget to pack his medication in case he gets sick again;
  • Also don’t forget to bring his food; What should I pack for my own lunch?
  • Wait, today is Thursday – you agreed with Ana to order salad;
  • So don’t forget to bring cash so you can pay for the salad.
  • Did I schedule Sofka’s eye check-up? She complained her P.E. shoes are too small, so I need to get her new ones.
  • Does she have enough socks?
  • After work, I have to stop by the store to get a gift for a colleague who is going on maternity leave – what was I missing again?
  • Oh right, don’t forget to bring the card so the rest of the colleagues can sign it;
  • And I need to come up with a message for the card…
  • When does Benny need his next vitamin vaccine?
  • Do we have enough dog food for the holidays or should I stop by the store after work to buy more?
  • And wait, when does the vet even work today?

And so it goes… I make endless mental lists, like Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie “Working Mum.” Until I finally force myself to open my eyes and get up.

I know I’m not the only one. We all do this. Some before bed, some – like me – even before opening our eyes.

And we do this every day, completely unaware of how much time and energy it consumes.

I myself wasn’t aware of how many similar thoughts run through my head daily. What I haven’t done, what I need to do, what I forgot…

On top of that come the thoughts of not trying hard enough, that I could have worked half an hour longer, or spent another hour with Sofka…

And when was the last time I wrote a new post?

Yes, it has a name in science, which makes it real, tangible.

No, it’s not just you. It’s all of us. And it’s called Mental Load. And, surprise surprise, it’s particularly characteristic for mothers.

I first became truly aware of it while reading the book Das Unwohlsein der modernen Mutter (“The Discomfort of the Modern Mother,” free translation) by Mareice Kaiser:

“Mental load refers to the mental and organizational burden one must carry in order to maintain a functioning household and meet family obligations – a burden that often remains invisible to others.” (p. 87)

“Superpower” or chronic overload?

As women, we are socially conditioned from an early age to care for others and are told that “multitasking” is a typical “superpower” of women, especially mothers. We feel strong and important when we manage to take care of everyone and everything.

We can do it all, and all at once.

But we’re often unaware of just how overwhelming it is.

So no, it’s not about women’s superpowers or some obsession with control. It is a psychological burden we unconsciously begin to carry the moment we step into the role of a mother, as if it were a stylish accessory.

And then we wonder why we’re so exhausted. Why we sometimes just can’t go on.

That’s why: because we “work” 24/7, without pause and without the rest we desperately need.

For so long, I believed my maternal multitasking was my superpower.

Nope. I’m not a control freak. Congratulations to me, I fell for it.

Well done patriarchy, well done.

I know that my relationship with Marko is not like most marriages today. Even after 12 years of marriage, it’s perfectly natural for us to take turns doing housework, taking care of Sofka and Benny, and looking after each other – it’s just how we function.

If he sees the laundry basket is full, he simply does the laundry.

If I see the trash can is full, I take it out.

But unfortunately, he still hasn’t learned how to read my mind.

And that is one of the biggest misconceptions of our time – that a partner should just know what you need or what’s bothering you.

I always thought we communicated well and shared responsibilities in our life together. But only after reading that book did I realize how much invisible mental effort I put in, completely unaware I was doing it.

As life often has it, just as I was starting to learn about mental load, one day over coffee, Marko suddenly said:

“You know, I noticed you’re always the one who organizes Sofka’s doctor appointments. I have no idea when her next eye check-up is, or the dentist.”

“Interesting that you noticed. I scheduled the first couple of appointments out of habit, and then just kept doing it. But honestly, it’s a burden to constantly have to think of everything… Speaking of which, I should probably tell you that I usually start going over everything in my head the moment I wake up.”

“Well, no wonder you’re exhausted by 8 PM! Hey, I’m here, how can I help? I’ll take over the doctor appointments!”

And just like that, a bit of the weight lifted from my shoulders.

From chaos to color-coded calendars

Good organization doesn’t eliminate the feeling of mental load, but it can ease it to some extent.

“Why remember when you can write it down” is my motto. It reduces mental chaos significantly – but unfortunately doesn’t remove it completely.

We went a step further as a family. To make planning easier, Marko and I share a Google Calendar on our phones with all important family and individual appointments.

A good friend once said, while trying to find a free evening for a board game night:

“Your calendar looks like Tetris, with all those entries and colors! How do you even keep track of it all?”

But when I look at our family calendar, I don’t see chaos – I see structure. I don’t even have to read the entries: just by the color I know whose event it is, and when we as a family are free for additional activities, like playing games with friends.

Of course, there’s a whole color system behind it. Sofka’s events are apricot-colored, mine are purple, Marko’s light blue, family events are yellow, and the very important ones – like doctor visits – are red. And no, I’m not the only one adding events; we both do it.

Marko always knows when Sofka has her next check-up, or when I have plans to go to the movies with colleagues – just like I know when he goes to yoga or plays PlayStation with friends.

Mental spin cycle, uninterrupted

But even with all that organization and functioning as a team, it wasn’t until I read that book that I realized – yes, my feminism lives in our relationship, but I am still a victim of the mental load that mothers face.

Because I am the one who keeps track of whether all medical appointments are scheduled, whether birthday parties are remembered, and gifts for them bought.

When during the school week Sofka needs to bring her ice skating gear; whether I gave her money for the theater trip; or signed the release form for her photo to be posted on the school website.

There are also the vet visits, the vaccines, and the dog’s medication.

Plus organizing enough playdates and holiday activities for our child to make sure she’s not bored – but not overwhelmed either – and still has time for rest, free play, even boredom. Yes, mothers think of that too. I do.

And no, this isn’t about saying that caring for my family or friends is a burden.

On the contrary – I chose to be a mother and a wife. But I don’t remember signing up for the constant mental overload and never-ending guilt.

Is mental load one of those “side effects” listed in the fine print of the marriage contract?

Or did we, like in Goethe’s Faust, sign an invisible pact with the devil the moment we agreed to bring a child into this world?

Only in our case, the sneaky devil is even worse – it’s patriarchy.

Unlike Faust, we have a way out – and we can find it ourselves, or better yet, together with our partners if we have them.

All the emotional and mental labor we contribute is far from visible – and even farther from respected.

Let alone compensated.

I was shocked to learn that until the early days of capitalism, household work and care for the family were seen as equal in value to work outside the home. Because someone had to do both.

Silvia Federici writes about this in Caliban and the Witch. Before capitalism, in feudal communities, women participated in various aspects of production and had access to shared resources.

Federici emphasizes that women had a certain degree of autonomy back then, and their work was visible and appreciated within the community.

But with capitalism came a systematic devaluation of women’s work. It created a new division of labor, pushing women into the unpaid sphere of domestic labor and reproduction – making their contribution invisible and undervalued.

Physical labor – or lack of it – is measurable.

If someone doesn’t do the dishes, you see them piling up in the sink.

But mental labor? It’s invisible. That’s why many don’t realize they’re doing it – or others don’t recognize its weight.

And that’s the trick with mental load. There’s no switch to turn it off. No blinking red light to show others that your mind is in overdrive.

That’s why the first step is awareness – recognizing it in ourselves so we can begin to manage it.

To reduce the burden to a pile. And then maybe, one day, to nothing.

To silence the noise in our heads, to calm the endless to-do lists.

So that once they’re written on paper or entered into a calendar – they stay there.

That is the goal.

We don’t need help – we need equality.

The first step toward change is recognizing the problem. The second is changing how we talk about it.

As long as we say our partners “help” with the house or childrearing, we’re reinforcing the idea that it’s all our job.

We don’t need help. We need partnership.

The house isn’t mine. The child isn’t mine. It’s ours.

We need a teammate. A co-pilot. A partner.

And when we shift our perspective and our vocabulary, we need to change how we communicate too – calmly and clearly saying:

“Hey, I can’t do this anymore. Could you handle this, while I do that?”

Because no matter how magical we are, we can’t enchant our partners into reading our minds and anticipating our needs.

Yes, it would be great – but reality is anything but magical.

Your partner doesn’t have to know what you’re carrying in your head. You have to tell them – calmly and without blame.

Even when they’re active and engaged in family life, like Marko, they can’t know the full weight unless you tell them.

And you’ll be surprised what they’re capable of doing – without being asked twice.

And guys – if your partner struggles to voice her needs, take the initiative yourself.

It won’t kill you to ask once a day:

“Hey, how are you? What can I do to make things easier?”

Marko now takes Sofka to speech therapy every week, schedules her dentist appointments, takes Benny to the vet when needed.

I let go. He took over. I don’t have to remind him. The world didn’t stop. No apocalypse happened.

I sleep better. And I rarely wake up before six.

It is possible.

Warmly,
S-Mama