How Should a Woman Live? Does feminism mean that all women in the world should live the same way, or not?
I often deal with this and similar questions, directly or indirectly, in my writings. For me, it is very important to live and actively practice my feminism.
But sometimes, life likes to put me to the test.
Maybe I live in my feminist bubble, surrounded by people who have very similar views and lifestyles to mine. That’s why it truly shocks me when I experience a situation like the one from a few days ago.
Every morning, I take Sofka to school and then head straight to work.
And so, one morning, as I watched Sofka enter the school and waited to wave at her one last time, as I always do before leaving, a mother of a girl in Sofka’s class approached me.
After the usual small talk—”How are you?” and similar things—she glanced at the basket of my bicycle, saw Benny, and asked, “Oh, so you only have Sofia?”
I replied, “Yes, just Sofia, and I also have Benny.”
Then she said, “But Sofia needs a brother. When will you have another?”
Slightly shocked, I responded in my usual sarcastic way: “Well, she has Benny.”
I felt like I was about to explode, so I politely said I was in a hurry to get to work. But instead of taking the hint, she continued without a shred of hesitation: “Oh, you work?”
I said, “Yes, full-time.”
“And your husband?” she kept going.
I replied, “He’s working on his PhD and works part-time.”
“What do you mean? That’s not how it’s supposed to be! A husband should work full-time, and the wife should work part-time!”
Completely serious and almost offended by my way of life, she said that to me.
As if my family setup had disrupted the order of the universe. As if it wasn’t enough that I was “insulting” her by having “only one daughter” and not planning more children, but I also had the audacity to work full-time while my “poor” husband worked part-time.
To say that it took immense strength and self-control not to explode on the spot would be an understatement.
But then, in an instant, I realized that this was a battle I didn’t need to fight.
Even if I had taken the time to explain to her everything she had just gotten wrong in a matter of minutes, I wouldn’t have changed her opinion or her worldview.
Because what seems wrong to me is completely normal to her—and vice versa. And who am I to lecture anyone, right?
I also realized that she helped me see that outside my glass bubble, there are still many women who think, live, and expect others to live in ways that, to me, are long outdated.
So I just smiled and said, “Sorry, I have to get to work,” and pedaled away, with a bitter taste in my mouth that lingered throughout the day.
I firmly believe that the essence of feminism is that every woman—without exception—should live her life the way she wants, not the way others, society, or men expect her to.
And that’s exactly why it’s important for me to be vocal and write about these topics.
But I have also learned to let go. Because not only do I not want to judge the woman I spoke with, but I also don’t want to judge women who share her opinion.
We are far from any kind of equality or progress as long as we continue telling each other how we should live.
It’s not my goal to paint her in a bad light or point out where she is “wrong” in her own life. As long as she chooses how she wants to live, that’s fine by me.
On the contrary, the essence of feminism is that everyone has the right to live their life as they wish—but not to impose their way of life on others.
For me, the problem arises when someone else (read: patriarchal society, a male partner, or a family member) imposes rules that must be followed. In those situations, I won’t stay silent—nor will I ever. But that’s a topic of its own…
So, the lesson we should all take from this:
The next time someone doesn’t live according to your standards, bite your tongue. Because you don’t need to lecture anyone—just as you wouldn’t want someone lecturing you.
Because that is the true sign of freedom of choice.
You do you.
But also, let me be me.
Sincerely,
S-Mama
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