What's a PhD Without You, My Love…

Is there such a thing as personal success separate from family, and is my failure only my own?

When so much is happening in life, both the good and the not-so-good, it’s hard to sit down and fill a page with words that could sum up everything spinning through your head.

To start, in the last month of 2019, I got my master’s degree! After the feeling of joy came a period of emptiness, hopelessness, wandering.

The fact that I had almost reached, or fulfilled, the basic prerequisite for one of my long-term goals — a PhD — pushed me into an enormous reassessment of everything I’d done so far and everything I’d like to do. There were tears, feelings of worthlessness, of not deserving what I wanted…

But my Mima was there, who had gone through all of it herself just a few months earlier and who knew how to listen and comfort me… Sofia helped just as much, whose carefree view of the world helped me pull my thoughts away from everything and try to look at it all from a different — more innocent — angle.

If it weren’t for my family, I definitely wouldn’t know where my limits are, and I definitely wouldn’t have dared to take another step forward in my education.

Without their support and love, I wouldn’t have found the strength to start my PhD this month with one of the most respected experts in the world in his field.

In my case, a PhD doesn’t just mean sitting, reading, and writing — it also means working, so Mima and I can provide for our basic existence together. Luckily, I got a position on a research project led by my supervisor, together with two other renowned professors from our faculty. The project is backed by the German research community, and has attracted some very significant names from the world of science.

During the semester, we have at least one new guest lecturer every week as part of the project, which means I deepen and expand my knowledge every single week. And in that company, where I’m the youngest and least educated, where the discussions are often beyond what I can follow, where everyone speaks at least three living and four dead languages, I often feel inferior and insecure. It’s not rare for me to feel stupid asking a question, purely out of that insecurity.

You might ask — so why are you even there, man? Why would you put yourself somewhere you don’t feel comfortable? Isn’t that a sign you don’t belong there and should just run for the hills?

Maybe I should run. But I’m there, first and foremost, for my family!

The fact that I’m willing to try, every single week, to push my limits in an environment that really is far above my competence — because of my Sofia and Mima — actually means a few things. The most important of them is certainly the ambition to provide a better and more secure life for our family, and their support in making that happen.

I never wanted to work at a university — I thought it was way out of reach for me. And then I had Sofia, and I started clawing my way forward and fighting. There were no more excuses! I sat down to study and work, to fight for a better tomorrow for my family with whatever knowledge I had. That’s why I finished my master’s successfully and fought to get into the PhD program (of course I had my own ambition too — it would be crazy to say I didn’t).

I couldn’t let everything I’d already invested in coming here, and in my studies as a whole, just slip past me.

I had to get better organized to achieve everything I wanted, and I had to start pushing myself through my own work and effort. Everything I knew I’d eventually have to do, I started doing once Mima and I had Sofia — including, for instance, quitting smoking.

And in return, my family gave me immense, unconditional support. Without that support, I really couldn’t have done any of it.

Because there were moments in my life when I was recognized as capable, smart, a good student — and yet something still wasn’t right, and I gave it all up with one single decision.

But now I have a calm harbor to come home to, where I’m hit with a wave of positive energy, laughter, playing, kisses, hugs.

Now I’m Sofia’s “papi,” to whom she gives boundless love. To her, I’m the best dad in the world, and that gives me an enormous amount of confidence. Now I hear every day that I’m the best husband in the world, and that gives me wings. Now, to someone, I’m beautiful, and I can’t understand how I ever thought I was ugly. It’s the same with mental abilities: many people just need a bit of confidence and a few words of support — myself included — to feel secure enough that if they say something, they won’t come across as stupid.

For success in any field, family stability and the support of that same family is what’s truly key.

On the other hand, before I started my PhD, I first talked it over with Mima, whether I should even take that step at all. Because it matters that, even in case of failure, we’re in it together.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about shifting responsibility — it’s about sharing both the good and the bad.

By the way, did you know that small family businesses are actually the most profitable form of business? That’s because everyone is united, everyone cares equally about success, and there’s none of that unhealthy competition or backstabbing that can happen within a family. There’s no unnecessary jockeying for position. At least, that’s what economists say.