Money Makes the World Go Round – But Does It Have to in Relationships? Does financial imbalance dictate dynamics in relationships, and how can we address this issue?

Traditional Role Distribution and the Tax System

The other day, on my way to the gym, I had a conversation with a colleague. She proudly shared that she had increased her working hours and now works full-time. As a mother of two young children, she previously worked half-time to take care of the family while her husband worked full-time.

This is a very common model in “modern” Germany—it’s still generally assumed that women take on family responsibilities and work less while men “bring the bread to the table.”

The tax and pension systems even support this arrangement. Those who work more hours pay less tax, while those working fewer hours pay more. Until recently, it was common for men to be in tax bracket 3 and women in bracket 5, reinforcing the idea that the higher earner contributes more to the household.

The problem with this thinking is the lack of consideration for the future. Naturally, those working fewer hours will receive smaller pensions. But hey, who thinks about pensions when they’re young, right? This system has placed women in a difficult position for decades.

Recently, the combination of tax brackets 3 and 5 was abolished, and all couples were moved to tax bracket 4. While this is a step in the right direction, it’s far from achieving the necessary equality.

A Shift in the Model: A New Distribution of Roles?

My colleague continued her story: “I have to admit, now that I work full-time and my husband takes care of the kids, I feel great. Now, I’m the one who brings the bread to the table, and the power dynamic at home has drastically changed.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, when I come home tired from work, I expect the house to be clean, the laundry done, and the kids taken care of. I can either play with the kids or do minimal housework. Dinner is ready, and I can relax because I’ve had a long day at work. Until recently, I was the one always running to the kids when they cried because ‘I know what they need.’ But now, I’m not home most of the day, so their dad takes care of them.

Man, it feels so good to ‘be like a man.’ Now I completely understand why they always fought to be the breadwinners. Financial power not only provides financial dominance but also a perfect excuse to avoid more involvement in the home or with the children. Now, the tables have turned, and my husband has silently accepted the new situation. What’s great for us is that we’ve both been on both sides of this dynamic, so we know exactly how the other feels in these situations. But it’s an amazing feeling to have financial power.”

In just a few sentences, she summed up what I’ve known for a long time and what lies at the heart of gender roles.

Yes, unfortunately, money has the power to influence even family relationships. And while that’s sad, I agree, it is our capitalist reality.

Gender Roles as a Social Construct

What’s encouraging nowadays is that (hopefully) more couples function this way.

Gender roles are socially conditioned, not natural.

Women aren’t born with an innate talent for doing laundry, cooking, or cleaning. Any living being can do these tasks, including men.

What’s fascinating—and something I learned while reading Silvia Federici’s book “Caliban and the Witch”—is that the relationship between men’s and women’s work changed drastically with the advent of capitalism. Even in the Middle Ages, everyone had to do everything to keep the household running. Both men and women worked in the fields, cared for livestock, and managed household chores, all of which were equally valued.

I am fairly certain that if men and women were equally paid and valued for the work they do both outside and inside the home, the power dynamics would be entirely different—or perhaps even nonexistent.

Then, it wouldn’t matter anymore who brings more to the table, whether it’s a man or a woman.

Because no, the goal is not to be superior to our partners or to men in general.

The goal is to be treated equally and paid equally.

What we wear in our underwear should never determine how much we earn, how much housework we do, or which tax bracket we belong to.

Financial Independence and Self-Worth

On the other hand, it truly is a great feeling to earn a good income, provide for your family, and ensure they have everything they need. It’s empowering to no longer ask a partner for “pocket money” and to independently afford what you and your family need.

Although I may not want to admit it out loud, I knew exactly the feeling my colleague was describing. For many years, I worked a poorly paid, part-time job, which made me feel like I had to “pull more weight” at home. This is a form of social conditioning that I know is wrong, but it’s ingrained in all of us, whether we like to admit it or not.

Once I started my current full-time job, my self-confidence grew alongside my bank account balance.

It’s awful to admit, but my sense of self-worth felt nourished by that cursed money.

My “advantage” is that Marko and I have always been equal in dividing household responsibilities, so I didn’t feel a sense of superiority over him. But my personal sense of worth has definitely grown with my earnings.

Let’s not forget that just 50 years ago, women couldn’t even open their own bank accounts without their husband’s written permission.

Yes, we’ve progressed as a society since then, but clearly not enough. I still find it astonishing that we’re having these conversations.

How Do We Remove Financial Power from Relationships?

Until financial disparities are addressed systemically—by ensuring equal pay for the same work regardless of gender—we’re left with individual recognition of whether or not we hold financial (or other) power in our relationships. After recognition, open communication with our partners is essential.

The harsh truth is that perhaps the only real way to understand each other is to experience both sides of the coin, as I have and as my colleague described. Unfortunately, words are often not enough and don’t have lasting effects.

Equality, Not Superiority

No, women don’t want to become men. Women don’t want to dominate. We simply want equality—everywhere and at every level. In relationships, in finances, and in the division of responsibilities both inside and outside the home.

It’s as simple as that—or is it?

Warm regards,
S-Mama