{"id":7815,"date":"2022-05-20T12:00:08","date_gmt":"2022-05-20T10:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/ponocna-biblioteka-i-doktorat\/"},"modified":"2026-10-21T17:36:25","modified_gmt":"2026-10-21T15:36:25","slug":"midnight-library-and-a-phd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/en\/midnight-library-and-a-phd\/","title":{"rendered":"Between the Midnight Library and a PhD"},"content":{"rendered":"

What would life look like if we could live it more than once? Would I have enrolled in a PhD after all?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitting on a bench on the campus of the University<\/a> where, three years ago (God, how has that much time already passed!), I successfully finished my beloved master\u2019s degree<\/a>. I can\u2019t shake the feeling of how unchanged this place is, and how much I\u2019ve changed<\/a> in that same time.<\/p>\n

These are the same benches where I sat a thousand times, worrying whether I\u2019d finish my paper and hand it in on time, whether what I\u2019d written was even any good or whether I\u2019d missed the mark, not just on the topic but on life itself, whether I\u2019d even manage to finish my degree, and a thousand other worries besides.<\/p>\n

I look in through the library window, the one I spent hours and hours behind, reading, researching, writing.<\/p>\n

And I see myself. Very clearly.<\/p>\n

I see new lines from worry and stress.<\/p>\n

I see doubt in my own mind.<\/p>\n

I see a small smile too, from the moment I discovered something new.<\/p>\n

But I deliberately turn my head the other way.<\/p>\n

I keep looking at my laptop screen and typing these words. And that, right now, in real time, pulls a bigger smile out of me than the one on imaginary Mima\u2019s face in that library.<\/p>\n

And I can\u2019t help but ask myself: do I miss that life?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Do I still want that life?<\/h3>\n

I often ask myself whether anything I do actually matters<\/strong>. And how different my life would be if I\u2019d just done this or that differently.<\/p>\n

Why do we hold this image of things that never happened as something that would surely give us that extra hit of dopamine? Why are we so sure that a life somewhere else, or with other people, would automatically bring us happiness?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

I found the answer to that in Matt Haig\u2019s \u201cThe Midnight Library\u201d<\/a>, which I read on the recommendation of my dear friend, Ana Brzakovi\u0107<\/a>. It\u2019s one of those books that forces you to think about your own life, your choices, and the regrets that come with them:<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you ever think \u2018how did I end up here?\u2019 Like you are in a maze and totally lost and it\u2019s all your fault because you were the one who made every turn? And you know that there are many routes that could have helped you out, because you hear all the people on the outside of the maze who made it through, and they are laughing and smiling. And sometimes you get a glimpse of them through the hedge. A fleeting shape through the leaves. And they seem so damn happy to have made it and you don\u2019t resent them, but you do resent yourself for not having their ability to work it all out. Do you? Or is this maze just for me?\u201d (Haig, 2020, Position 854-858)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The book\u2019s central idea is that at the exact moment we\u2019re least satisfied with the life we\u2019re living, we get the chance to \u201ctry on\u201d other lives, the ones we didn\u2019t live. To look for happiness somewhere else. To \u201cfix\u201d our regrets. To try again and again, until we find \u201cthe right one\u201d, the life that actually fits us.<\/p>\n

But maybe the hardest thing to swallow is that we are exactly where we are because of the decisions WE ourselves made<\/strong>. No, nobody else is to blame for the \u201cbetter\u201d or \u201cworse\u201d lives we didn\u2019t live, only our own decisions, and our own regrets.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Reading the book, I realized that no matter how dissatisfied I might be with some part of my life in a given moment, I still, definitively, wouldn\u2019t trade it for anything in the world.<\/p>\n

In my case, the films that play in my head are the worse lives I could have had, and how constantly unhappy, dissatisfied with myself and my choices I\u2019d probably be, likely filled with regret and guilt.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I\u2019d made different decisions.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019d never met Marko.<\/p>\n

If I hadn\u2019t enrolled in a master\u2019s in Germany and moved here.<\/p>\n

If we\u2019d never had Sofka.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019d enrolled in a PhD\u2026<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s where I trip.<\/p>\n

Ah. So that\u2019s where we are.<\/p>\n

Everything I just listed fills me with something close to horror, because I don\u2019t just not want to imagine a different life, I\u2019m genuinely certain I would have been deeply unhappy if I\u2019d stayed in Ni\u0161, if I\u2019d never met Marko, if I\u2019d never done my master\u2019s, and (worst of all) if I\u2019d never had Sofka!<\/p>\n

Awful. Unthinkable.<\/p>\n

Of course, the fact that I\u2019m genuinely happy where I am pulls a smile onto my face, and yes, I can say I\u2019m happy.<\/p>\n

But still, sitting here carefree on campus and typing these words, I can\u2019t help but wonder how my life would look if I were still a student, or a doctoral candidate. If I\u2019d just continued with my academic education. If I still spent my days in the reading room, like before\u2026<\/p>\n

For a moment, I have to admit, that small worm of regret shows up.<\/p>\n

Maybe it would have been nice\u2026<\/h3>\n

And that\u2019s exactly the trap of imagining \u201cwhat didn\u2019t happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I have to stop, go back, and think about why<\/em> that is.<\/p>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

Setting aside every external factor (the visa, the finances, choosing a topic, the enrollment itself, and a dozen others that were all in play), I\u2019m not living that life because I didn\u2019t want to<\/strong>. Period.<\/p>\n

In fact, just like the main character of the book (spoiler alert), I realized that version of my life would have belonged to someone else\u2019s idea. Someone else\u2019s expectations, which I had, very successfully, absorbed into what I thought I was.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m smart, I\u2019m good at this, I can do it.<\/em><\/p>\n

I can. But do I want to?<\/h3>\n

For the first year after I finished my studies, the whole campus looked so gray, so sad, so foreign to me.<\/p>\n

I was in total limbo: no longer a student, and yet still here. Like an alien dropped into some parallel reality.<\/p>\n

Maybe it would still be nice if Marko and I could spend hours and hours together in the library again, each reading our own thing, and then trading notes afterward.<\/p>\n

But yes, I\u2019d also still be under an unbelievable amount of pressure and stress.<\/p>\n

Of course I know a life free of stress and worry doesn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n

Of course I believe you need to step outside your comfort zone and push the limits of what you thought was possible.<\/p>\n

But!<\/p>\n

I also believe there\u2019s a \u201cpositive\u201d, I\u2019d almost say pleasant, kind of discomfort, one that pushes us in the right direction, that makes us push our limits and become better, learn more about ourselves, and work on ourselves.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m always up for that kind of challenge, that kind of \u201cjumping into the water.\u201d<\/p>\n

But we can\u2019t forget there\u2019s also the other kind of discomfort.<\/p>\n

The kind that warns you, intensely, that something isn\u2019t for you, that the bite is too big, that you simply shouldn\u2019t be there. A kind of survival instinct, where your body keeps telling you run<\/em>, and you just don\u2019t listen.<\/p>\n

How do you tell the difference?<\/h3>\n

How do you follow the \u201cgood\u201d discomfort, while catching the bad one in time, before the \u201clion\u201d of your own or someone else\u2019s expectations eats you alive?<\/p>\n

Honestly? It\u2019s very hard.<\/p>\n

It took me three years to figure it out and finally admit to myself that I simply don\u2019t want to do a PhD. Because in my case, that\u2019s a lion that\u2019s eating me, and instead of running, I\u2019m the one offering it seasoning to go with the meal.<\/p>\n

Today the sun shines on those same benches, where a different version of me is sitting. One who doesn\u2019t just accept that her student days are long over, but is actually glad they are.<\/p>\n

And now it\u2019s easier.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it\u2019s more important to understand what we don\u2019t want than to know what we do.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n

Now I can breathe again. Because the chains I\u2019d put on myself, apparently, were pressing down on me so hard that I felt bad, less worthy, like someone who\u2019d failed, for far too long.<\/p>\n

And what even is success? Who decides whether we\u2019ve succeeded or failed? I won\u2019t give you the answers to that. I\u2019ll just warmly recommend you go look for them in the midnight library.<\/p>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

I love my life exactly as it is. And thankfully, I didn\u2019t need Nora\u2019s radical measures from the book to figure that out.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t need a glimpse into \u201cparallel\u201d realities to appreciate what I have, because I built it slowly, deliberately, with full awareness.<\/p>\n

Is there room to change, to keep working on it?<\/h3>\n

Of course there is, and that makes me happy. Because nothing is perfect, and nothing needs to be.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the beauty of life, actually.<\/p>\n

I like this version of myself better. She\u2019s not perfect, but she\u2019s good enough. With enough room left to become even better, for herself and for the people closest to her.<\/p>\n

The point isn\u2019t to accept things as given, but to accept what you have and change what you don\u2019t like<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But I\u2019m glad I\u2019m on the other side of it now, that I no longer carry the weight of exams, books, papers.<\/p>\n

Now I worry about other things, but the most important part of the process is not mourning what was, or what might have been<\/strong>. I chose for it not to be, and that\u2019s not just my power, it\u2019s a reflection of my freedom. As Mar\u010delo<\/a> put it, in what I think is the best song on his latest album<\/a>: \u201cI open the door to my bunker, and I breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Whether that\u2019s a sign of growing up, or the exact opposite, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

One thing\u2019s certain: now, with a smile on my face, I look at these familiar buildings, at these new young faces, put a period on this story, close my laptop, and move on.<\/p>\n

Warmly,<\/p>\n

S-Mama<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What would life look like if we could live it […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7821,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1056],"tags":[1926,4414,4363,4415,3019],"class_list":["post-7815","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mother","tag-life-choices","tag-midnight-library","tag-phd-journey","tag-regret","tag-self-acceptance"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nRegret Not Doing a PhD? The Midnight Library and Me<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you ever regret not doing a PhD? 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