It\u2019s not enough to want<\/em> a good relationship and hope it will just happen. A meaningful relationship has to be built \u2014 and maintained \u2014 through mutual effort and, often, even greater perseverance.<\/p>\n There is no magical moment when things reach a fairytale peak and stay forever perfect on that enchanted hill.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cAnd they lived happily ever after\u201d is an absolute lie \u2014 and a comforting illusion.<\/strong><\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s impossible to be happy in a relationship; it means that a good relationship requires constant work and dedication from both partners.<\/strong><\/p>\n And no, that doesn\u2019t mean there are never disagreements. Quite the opposite \u2014 they exist even in the best relationships I know, including my own. The difference lies in how<\/em> they are handled.<\/p>\n Now that we\u2019ve cleared that up, let me shatter another illusion: there is no recipe for a \u201cperfect\u201d marriage or partnership.<\/p>\n Every relationship is unique and special<\/strong> \u2014 just like the individuals in it. What works for us doesn\u2019t necessarily work for you. The same goes for parenting.<\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean we shouldn\u2019t share our experiences. In fact, the more we lay things out on the table and talk openly about them, the more we break through the veil of mystery surrounding this so-called \u201cperfection.\u201d<\/p>\n We all know perfection doesn\u2019t exist, no matter how hard the media \u2014 especially social media \u2014 try to convince us otherwise.<\/p>\n We are all absolutely perfect and completely imperfect in our own ways. And so are our relationships.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n What matters most to me in a relationship is how I feel<\/em> when I\u2019m with someone<\/strong>.<\/p>\n No, that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s realistic to be happy 24\/7, nor that others are responsible for our emotions.<\/p>\n Philippa Perry emphasizes this beautifully in her book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n She argues that it\u2019s essential to take responsibility for your own emotions instead of blaming others for them, and she highlights the importance of self-awareness and reflection \u2014 especially in the parent-child relationship and in partnerships.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n What matters to me is whether your partner pushes you forward<\/strong> <\/a>or trips you up at every step.<\/p>\n Do they give you wind beneath your wings, or do they make you shrink yourself to fit them?<\/p>\n Do they give you space to be who you are, or do they try to mold you to their liking?<\/p>\n For me, it\u2019s crucial to feel seen<\/strong> \u2014 not to have to hide my ambitions, opinions, convictions, or even my defiance.<\/p>\n To feel good in my own skin and to have my partner accept, support, and nurture that.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Sadly, I didn\u2019t always know how important all that is \u2014 I learned it, of course, through my own mistakes in past relationships that didn\u2019t work out.<\/p>\n There were men in my life who simply didn\u2019t see<\/em> me, who couldn\u2019t handle my strength, intelligence, or ambition.<\/strong><\/p>\n Nothing against my exes \u2014 truly. In fact, I\u2019m grateful for all those experiences, because they taught me what I don\u2019t want in life and that I\u2019m capable of more \u2014 and better.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n One of them not only failed to support my ambitions \u2014 next to him, I felt guilty for my successes, as if my task was to make myself smaller so that he wouldn\u2019t feel bad or threatened.<\/strong><\/p>\n That showed itself especially in college \u2014 I was thriving, finishing everything on time, receiving scholarships for exceptional achievement \u2014 while he struggled to pass exams and had been stuck since his first year.<\/p>\n Every one of my top grades felt bitter because he had failed yet again. He never explicitly said words to make me feel that way, but his behavior made it clear.<\/p>\n And society reinforces that message from early on \u2014 women are taught to listen to men, to support them; \u201cbehind every successful man stands a woman who supports him\u201d; \u201cyou should never beat a man at a game or sport.\u201d Everyday life is full of clich\u00e9s that program us to automatically shrink ourselves, to avoid threatening male superiority \u2014 even when it doesn\u2019t exist.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n For example, I\u2019d want to celebrate my new scholarship, and he\u2019d conveniently be \u201cgrounded\u201d at home because he\u2019d failed another exam. When I talked about my dream of becoming a sports journalist, he\u2019d say that\u2019s not a job for a woman because I\u2019d be away too often.<\/p>\n I had to pull him along, cheer him up, motivate him<\/strong> \u2014 and constantly make myself smaller. And of course, in that kind of relationship, you eventually stop feeling good.<\/p>\n When it\u2019s not working for you \u2014 get out.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n The next one didn\u2019t last long, but it was long enough for me to realize he held the same typically Balkan views on women and relationships: women should bear children; men can do whatever they want.<\/strong><\/p>\n Not for me, thanks.<\/p>\n The third one \u2014 the \u201cmaybe we will, maybe we won\u2019t\u201d type \u2014 never believed in my writing or in my idea that I could \u201cchange the world with words<\/strong>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s impossible. You won\u2019t make it,\u201d he\u2019d say, often with a smirk.<\/p>\n Even the last time we spoke, years later, he joked stupidly: \u201cWhen I saw it was about someone with a blog, I figured it must be you. So, have you changed the world yet?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019ve always had that spark<\/strong> \u2014 the need to express myself, to fight injustice with words, to empower and encourage others to wake up and start living by their own rules.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n With Marko, that spark became a flame<\/strong> \u2014 one he\u2019s been keeping alive and bright for the past 13 years since his first \u201cyes.\u201d He\u2019s always believed in me and my writing, sees things in me that I don\u2019t even see myself, and helps me recognize them.<\/p>\n Because of him, I have a whole collection of writing pens \u2014 from real bird feathers to glass and calligraphy pens. When I finished my master\u2019s degree, he bought me a typewriter with a Cyrillic keyboard \u2014 something I had dreamed about for years.<\/p>\n Maybe that doesn\u2019t sound impressive, but we live in Germany \u2014 finding an old typewriter at a flea market is easy enough, but finding one in Serbian Cyrillic? Nearly impossible.<\/p>\n And yet, he did.<\/p>\n Every time I falter, he\u2019s there \u2014 offering his hand, lifting me up.<\/p>\n He sees potential in me that I sometimes can\u2019t see, nurtures it, and encourages me to follow it.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n And I know very well that this kind of support is anything but self-evident<\/strong>.<\/p>\n There are too many examples \u2014 even among people close to me \u2014 that show how Marko is more the exception than the rule.<\/p>\n A close friend of mine \u2014 a brilliant woman, mother, and friend \u2014 unfortunately lives with a man who, after she finished her degree in media studies, suggested she take a course to become a kindergarten teacher, because that \u201cmade more sense for a woman.\u201d<\/p>\n I saw her again a few months ago, and she told me shyly:<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve started working 20 hours a week at my son\u2019s school, and it makes me so fulfilled.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWow, that\u2019s amazing \u2014 I\u2019m so happy for you,\u201d I said, genuinely excited.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, everything at work is great, but at home not a day goes by without my husband complaining that there\u2019s no need for me to work, that I should focus more on the house and our son.<\/strong> But what am I supposed to do while he\u2019s at school? Clean, wash, and cook all day? I do all that \u2014 but I can\u2019t do only<\/em> that. I don\u2019t understand how he doesn\u2019t see it… I keep wondering how he\u2019d feel if he were tied to the house the way he expects me to be\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n That breaks my heart on so many levels.<\/p>\n It saddens me that an educated, dedicated woman and mother has to justify her desire to have a job outside the home.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n That she feels guilty for finding fulfillment in something that interests her, while the person who should be her closest ally and first source of support doesn\u2019t see how deeply she needs it.<\/p>\n And she\u2019s not the only one.<\/p>\n At the same time, stories like hers remind me how important it is to appreciate having someone who doesn\u2019t hold you back \u2014 someone who supports and helps you move forward.<\/p>\n Another kind of danger in relationships comes from the same source but has a different outcome.<\/p>\n When one partner is growing and the other stagnates, an unbridgeable gap eventually forms.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n That\u2019s why it\u2019s important not only to see your partner and support their aspirations but to keep pace<\/em> with them.<\/strong><\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean we must have the same interests or do everything together \u2014 individuality is crucial in any relationship. But there has to be some kind of balance.<\/p>\n For example: if a woman starts training regularly to stay fit and healthy, goes to therapy, or joins workshops to understand herself better, while her partner mocks her, refuses to get off the couch, and overeats while watching football \u2014 that imbalance will inevitably take its toll.<\/p>\n Between two people who once shared goals, interests, and deep affection, it\u2019s only a matter of time before one realizes that \u201csomething no longer feels right.<\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n At that point, there are two paths: either you shrink yourself again to \u201creturn\u201d to the level of the stagnant partner, or you realize that you can do better \u2014 and differently.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n It\u2019s crucial to understand that trying to change<\/em> your partner is doomed from the start; you can\u2019t reshape another person to fit your expectations<\/strong>.<\/p>\n But what is<\/em> possible is to inspire each other \u2014 to show by example that things can improve.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Mel Robbins calls this the principle of \u201cLet them, then let me<\/a>\u201d \u2014 let others be who they want to be, but allow yourself to become who you<\/em> want to be, your best version.<\/p>\n Mel says that if open communication doesn\u2019t bring results, lead by example, show that it can be better, and give yourself and your partner six months for things to change.<\/strong><\/p>\n In our example, there are two possible outcomes: either the stagnant partner wakes up, watching his wife bloom, and decides to follow her lead to restore balance \u2014 or he takes the \u201ceasier path,\u201d stays on the couch, mocks her for changing, and blames her for the growing distance between them.<\/p>\n If six months go by and nothing changes, then it\u2019s time to be honest with yourself and make a decision<\/strong>: is this a deal-breaker or not? Make it work \u2014 or walk away.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n
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<\/a><\/h2>\nWhat truly matters in a relationship<\/h2>\n
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Lessons from past relationships<\/h2>\n
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<\/a><\/p>\nA partner who nurtures your flame<\/h2>\n
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When support is missing<\/h2>\n
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When partners grow at different speeds<\/h2>\n
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