{"id":6917,"date":"2025-09-22T18:37:30","date_gmt":"2025-09-22T16:37:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/?p=6917"},"modified":"2026-08-23T12:05:24","modified_gmt":"2026-08-23T10:05:24","slug":"the-kind-of-mother-i-want-to-be","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/en\/the-kind-of-mother-i-want-to-be\/","title":{"rendered":"The kind of mother I want to be"},"content":{"rendered":"

Motherhood is not for everyone, even though people often say it\u2019s the most natural thing in the world \u2013 to bring a child into life.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Being a mother is a kind of blessing for anyone who wishes to fulfill themselves in that role.<\/p>\n

But being a mother doesn\u2019t end with giving birth. That\u2019s only the beginning. Motherhood lasts a lifetime, and its legacy can reach even beyond that.<\/p>\n

Yes, I want to be a good mother.<\/p>\n

But what does it really mean to be a good mother,<\/strong><\/a> and how could I ever measure myself on some imaginary scale? Sofia will make her own judgments about that, probably more than once throughout her life. And that\u2019s exactly how it should be, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

\n

My role is to give my best \u2013 to keep learning what it means to be a dedicated mother and to listen to my child.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I want to be a mother who is there for her child when needed, but without suffocating with constant presence.<\/p>\n

I want to be a mother who loves unconditionally, not only when my child does something that meets my standards.<\/p>\n

I want to be a mother who can say no \u2013 and who can also hear no from her child without losing her composure.<\/p>\n

I want my daughter, when she grows up, to find her own path, wherever in the world it may lead.<\/p>\n

I want to be a mother who understands.<\/p>\n

I want to be a mother who is willing to learn even from her own child.<\/p>\n

\n

And of course, I know I\u2019ll make mistakes \u2013 plenty of them. But mistakes are the best teachers, if we are ready to accept them and actively work to set them right, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\"mother<\/a><\/p>\n

As in other parts of life, sometimes it is more important to know what we don\u2019t want than what we do.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be a possessive mother.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be a mother who blames her child for her own failures or frustrations.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be a mother who binds her child to herself at all costs, thinking: \u201cI gave you life, so you owe me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be a mother who instills guilt through passive-aggressive behavior.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be a burden to my child.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want her to feel bad because of me \u2013 not today, not tomorrow, not ever.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want her to fear me, or feel that just because \u201cI am her mother\u201d she must obey my every wish \u2013 or whim.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to put myself ahead of her, not now, and especially not in the future, when she may one day decide to start her own family.<\/p>\n

It always angers me, that attitude so common in the Balkans<\/strong>: children are born under the weight of \u201cI gave you life, so you owe me gratitude and repayment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Too often, the crucial truth is forgotten \u2013 sometimes deliberately \u2013 that having a child is the parents\u2019 choice, not the child\u2019s!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Read that again.<\/p>\n

It is vital never to lose sight of this. Honestly, I doubt many children would willingly choose to be born into certain families or conditions. So let\u2019s stop feeding that illusion.<\/p>\n

\n

We are the ones who decide to become parents. The responsibility lies with us, not with the children.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Yes, there should be respect between parents and children \u2013 both ways.<\/p>\n

But in our culture, respect is too often mistaken for obedience. Parents see absolute obedience as the child\u2019s way of showing respect. And that is so wrong!<\/p>\n

Respect must be mutual from the very beginning<\/strong> \u2013 and even more so once the \u201cchild\u201d grows independent and becomes their own person.<\/p>\n

Yes, parents must respect their child\u2019s needs, feelings, and even desires<\/strong>. Of course, that doesn\u2019t mean indulging every whim \u2013 boundaries must exist.<\/p>\n

But it does mean listening to our children and seeing them as persons from day one<\/strong> \u2013 which they are \u2013 not as servants there to obey our commands.<\/p>\n

For example, if a child doesn\u2019t want to hug some relative they\u2019ve just met, we as parents should respect that boundary and protect them. They don\u2019t know this person \u2013 why should they feel any closeness?<\/p>\n

\n

And no, children owe us nothing \u2013 not today, not tomorrow, not ever.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

What we do for them, we do because we love them<\/strong><\/a> and want them to become good people, with a solid foundation to walk through life on their own. Not so that they can someday \u201cpay us back with interest.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve heard close friends say: \u201cI\u2019d love to become independent, to move, to travel\u2026 but I love my parents.\u201d<\/p>\n

We are drowning in guilt and duty so deeply that we don\u2019t even notice anymore.<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s toxic, my friends.<\/p>\n

Because parents who raise their children with a constant inner sense of guilt<\/strong> \u2013 even at the thought of doing something for themselves \u2013 are intentionally tying them down, keeping them under their control for life.<\/p>\n

\n

This way of binding a child is doubly toxic: the child never becomes independent, and lives on the parents\u2019 back their entire life. Which also means that when the parents are gone, the child may not know how to manage on their own.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

At the same time, parents use this bond to serve their own ends: \u201cAs long as you live under my roof<\/strong><\/em>, you will see who I tell you to see, come home when I say, love who I say, spend money the way I say, raise your children as I say \u2013 because I know best\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry to disappoint you, but it\u2019s the 21st century.<\/p>\n

\"a<\/a><\/p>\n

Things must evolve beyond the primitive need of early communities<\/strong> to \u201cstick together.\u201d Today\u2019s circumstances allow each person their own roof and their own peace. And that doesn\u2019t mean everyone must build a house \u2013 there\u2019s nothing wrong with renting.<\/p>\n

I love my parents more than anything in the world, and I\u2019m grateful they gave me a strong foundation to become the woman I am today.<\/strong><\/p>\n

But with all respect, I live my own life now \u2013 where I want, how I want.<\/p>\n

Does that make me rude and selfish? To some, probably yes. To me, not really.<\/p>\n

\n

Love is one thing. It requires mutual respect and equality.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

But possessiveness, guilt, and duty in any relationship mean one side is dominant, the other submissive.<\/p>\n

\u201cI keep you in a cage because I love you\u201d?<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t let you live your life because I love you\u201d?<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must be who I say you are because I love you\u201d?<\/p>\n

Do you see the contradictions?<\/p>\n

Stop confusing the two!<\/p>\n

Being indebted to someone \u2013 even parents or children \u2013 is not love. It is dependence, or control.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s break that vicious cycle.<\/p>\n

\n

Let\u2019s stop raising dependent children, and instead raise independent people.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Let\u2019s take responsibility for our own lives and comfort, because that is within our power and duty \u2013 never anyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n

And that is the kind of mother I want to be for Sofka.<\/p>\n

To keep a shield between generational burdens and my child<\/strong> \u2013 even though my own burden is much lighter, thanks to my mother.<\/p>\n

So that my Sofka may be even freer than I ever was.<\/p>\n

That is the kind of mother I want to be \u2013 and I am working to make it real.<\/p>\n

And you?<\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/p>\n

S-Mama<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Motherhood is not for everyone, even though people often say […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7770,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[858,1056],"tags":[1993,4286,4372,4285,4371],"class_list":["post-6917","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured-texts","category-mother","tag-generational-patterns","tag-guilt-free-parenting","tag-mother-daughter-relationship","tag-possessive-parenting","tag-unconditional-motherhood"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe kind of mother I want to be - S-Mama Mima<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"No guilt trips, no "I gave you life, so you owe me." 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