And on and on it goes\u2026 I make endless mental lists, just like Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie \u201cWorking Mum\u201d. Until I finally make myself open my eyes and get up.<\/p>\n
I know I\u2019m not the only one. We all do it. Some of us before bed, and some, like me, before we even open our eyes.<\/p>\n
And so it goes every single day, without us even realizing how much time and energy it takes from us.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t aware myself of how many thoughts like these run through my head every day. What I haven\u2019t done, what I need to do, what I\u2019ve forgotten<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n And of course, on top of that come the thoughts that I\u2019m not trying hard enough<\/em>, that maybe I could have worked half an hour longer, or spent an hour longer with Sofka\u2026<\/p>\n And when was the last time I wrote something new?<\/em><\/p>\n Yes, science has a name for it, and that makes it real, tangible.<\/p>\n No, it\u2019s not you. It\u2019s a problem all of us share, and it\u2019s called mental load<\/strong>, which is typical, surprise surprise, of mothers.<\/p>\n I first became truly aware of it while reading the book \u201cThe Discomfort of the Modern Mother\u201d (Das Unwohlsein der modernen Mutter<\/em><\/a>, my own translation) by Mareice Kaiser:<\/p>\n \u201cMental load is the mental and organizational burden someone has to carry to keep the household and family obligations running, a burden that often remains invisible to others.\u201d (p. 87)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n As women, we are socially conditioned to take care of others from an early age<\/strong>, and we believe that \u201cmultitasking\u201d is a typical female \u201csuperpower\u201d, especially for mothers. We feel strong and important when we manage to take care of everyone and everything.<\/a><\/p>\n We can do it all, and all at the same time.<\/p>\n And yet we\u2019re not even aware of how overwhelming<\/strong> it all is.<\/p>\n So it\u2019s not a superpower of us women, nor an obsession with always keeping everything under control. It\u2019s a mental burden that we, by accepting the role of mother, unknowingly started carrying on our backs as if it were a fashion accessory.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And then we wonder why we\u2019re so worn out. Why at some point we simply can\u2019t go on.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why: because we \u201cwork\u201d 24 hours a day, every day, without stopping and without the rest we so badly need<\/strong>.<\/p>\n For so long I lived convinced that my mom-multitasking was my superpower.<\/p>\n No, I\u2019m not a control freak after all. Congratulations to me, I fell for it.<\/p>\n Well done patriarchy, well done.<\/p>\n I know that my partnership with Marko<\/a> isn\u2019t like most marriages today. Even after 12 years of marriage, it\u2019s completely natural for us to take turns with the housework, to both take care of Sofka and Beni, and of each other, and somehow that\u2019s just a given for us.<\/p>\n If he sees the laundry basket is full, he\u2019ll simply put a load in.<\/p>\n If I see the trash can is full, I\u2019ll take it out.<\/p>\n But unfortunately for me, he still hasn\u2019t learned to read my mind.<\/p>\n And that is actually one of the biggest misconceptions of our time<\/strong>: that a partner should just know on his own what you need or what bothers you<\/strong>.<\/p>\n I always thought the two of us communicated well enough and shared the responsibilities of our life together. But only after reading that book did I realize how much invisible mental effort I put in and use up, completely unaware that I\u2019m doing it.<\/p>\n As life usually goes, right around the time I started learning about mental load, one day over coffee Marko asked me out of nowhere:<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve noticed that you\u2019re always the one who organizes Sofka\u2019s doctor appointments. I have no idea when her next eye check-up is, or the dentist.\u201d \u201cInteresting that you noticed. I booked the first few appointments on autopilot, and after that I simply took over organizing every one of them. But to be honest, it weighs on me to have to think about everything\u2026 Since we\u2019re talking about it, maybe it\u2019s a good time to tell you that in the morning, right before I wake up, I usually start going over in my head everything that needs to be done, packed or booked.\u201d \u201cWell then, no wonder you\u2019re already so tired by 8 in the evening! Hey, I\u2019m here, how can I make it easier for you? Here, I\u2019ll take over the doctor appointments!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And just like that, part of the weight fell off my shoulders.<\/strong><\/p>\n Good organization<\/strong> doesn\u2019t mean the feeling of mental load will go away, but it can reduce it to some extent.<\/p>\n Why remember when I can write it down<\/strong> is my motto. It reduces the chaos in my head considerably, but unfortunately doesn\u2019t take it away completely.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n As a family, we went a step further. To make family planning easier, Marko and I share a Google Calendar on our phones, with all the important family and individual appointments in it.<\/p>\n A good friend once told me, when we were trying to find the next free evening in my calendar for a board game night:<\/p>\n \u201cYour calendar looks like Tetris, with all those entries and different colors! How do you even find your way around that chaos?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n But when I look at our family calendar, I don\u2019t see chaos, I see a clear structure. I don\u2019t even have to read what each entry says; the color alone tells me whose appointment it is and when we as a family have free time for extra activities, like playing games with friends.<\/p>\n Of course, there\u2019s a whole system behind every color, and it makes our life easier. Sofka\u2019s appointments are apricot, mine are purple, Marko\u2019s light blue, family ones yellow, and the really important ones, like doctor visits, are red. And no, I\u2019m not the only one adding appointments, we both do it.<\/p>\n Marko knows at any moment when Sofka has her next doctor\u2019s appointment, or when I\u2019m going to the movies with colleagues, just as I know when he goes to yoga or plays Sony PlayStation with friends.<\/p>\n But yes, despite all our good organization and how well we function, only after reading that book did I realize that, yes, my feminism lives in my relationship, but I too am a victim of the mental load that all mothers carry<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Because I\u2019m the one who thinks about all the doctor appointments being booked on time, about no check-up being forgotten, and no birthday party either, or buying a gift for it.<\/p>\n About when, during the school week, Sofka needs to bring her skating gear; whether I gave her money for the theater trip or signed the consent form for her photo to be posted on the website.<\/p>\n Then of course there are the dog\u2019s check-ups, vaccines and medicine.<\/p>\n Plus: organize enough activities and playdates during the school holidays so she isn\u2019t bored, but also isn\u2019t overwhelmed and has enough time to rest, play on her own and even be bored. Yes, mothers worry about that too, meaning me.<\/p>\n And no, I don\u2019t mean to say that it\u2019s hard for me to take care of my family or friends.<\/p>\n On the contrary, I did choose to be a wife and a mother, but I don\u2019t remember signing up anywhere for extra mental load and a constant guilty conscience.<\/strong><\/p>\n Or does mental load fall under the \u201cside effects\u201d or the \u201cterms of use\u201d written into the marriage contract in ultra-fine print that nobody reads?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Or, like in Goethe\u2019s Faust, did all of us mothers sign an invisible contract with the devil the moment we agreed to bring a new being into this world? Except that in our case the sneaky devil is even sneakier: patriarchy<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Unlike Faust, we have a way out, and we can find it on our own or, even better, with the help of our partners, if we have them.<\/p>\n All the emotional and mental work we contribute is far from visible and even further from respected.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Not to mention any material compensation for it. I was shocked myself to learn that until the middle of the Middle Ages and the beginnings of early capitalism, work at home and caring for the family were actually seen as equal to work outside the home. Because someone had to do both.<\/p>\n This is also what Silvia Federici writes about in her book Caliban and the Witch<\/em>.<\/a> Before capitalism took hold, in feudal communities, women took part in various aspects of production and had access to common resources.<\/p>\n Silvia Federici stresses that women back then enjoyed a certain degree of autonomy, and their work was visible and valued within the community. With the rise of capitalism, however, came a systematic devaluation of women\u2019s work.<\/p>\n Federici argues that capitalism established a new social division of labor that pushed women into the sphere of unpaid domestic and reproductive work, which made their contribution invisible and undervalued.<\/p>\n Physical work, or the lack of it, can be measured.<\/strong><\/p>\n If someone hasn\u2019t done the dishes, you can see them in the sink, you can touch them.<\/p>\n But this mental work is invisible<\/strong>, and that\u2019s why many people don\u2019t even know we do it, or others don\u2019t notice its weight.<\/p>\n And that is exactly the catch with mental load. It has no switch to turn it off, and no red light to show others that it\u2019s running at full capacity right now.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n That\u2019s why it matters, first of all, that we become aware of it, so we can recognize it in ourselves and try to cope with it, or at least reduce it.<\/p>\n So that the burden becomes a little pile, and then one day maybe disappears completely, so that the racing thoughts and endless to-do lists shrink, and the moment they\u2019re written down on paper or in a calendar, that\u2019s where they stay.<\/p>\n So that the needless noise in our heads stops.<\/strong><\/p>\n That\u2019s the goal.<\/p>\n The first step toward something better is recognizing that the problem exists at all. The second is changing the way we talk. As long as we think and speak about how our partners \u201chelp us\u201d with the house and chores, with looking after and raising the children, we won\u2019t get very far.<\/p>\n When we talk about our partners \u201chelping\u201d us, we unconsciously put front and center the idea that everything mentioned above is entirely our responsibility and our job.<\/p>\n We don\u2019t need help! We need equality!<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n It\u2019s not my house, that I should need help with it. The house is ours, and so is the child.<\/p>\n We need a fellow fighter, a fellow traveler, a team player, a partner.<\/strong><\/p>\n And when we change our perspective and our vocabulary, we also have to change the way we communicate, and that means telling our partner clearly and calmly:<\/p>\n \u201cHey, I can\u2019t do it anymore, could you\u2026 and I\u2019ll\u2026\u201d.<\/p>\n Because no matter how much of a witch<\/a> we are, we can\u2019t bewitch our life partners into reading our minds and predicting our needs.![\"A](\"https:\/\/smama.blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/MRK09986-min-683x1024.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n\u201cSuperpower\u201d or chronic overload?<\/h2>\n
From chaos to a color-coded calendar<\/h2>\n
A mental spin cycle that never stops<\/h2>\n
![\"Illustration:](\"https:\/\/smama.blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/mental-load-ilustracija.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWe don\u2019t need \u201chelp\u201d, we need equality<\/h2>\n
\nYes, it would be magical if we could, but reality is totally uninspiring.<\/p>\n