And so it goes… I make endless mental lists, like Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie “Working Mum.” Until I finally force myself to open my eyes and get up.<\/p>\n
I know I\u2019m not the only one. We all do this. Some before bed, some \u2013 like me \u2013 even before opening our eyes.<\/p>\n
And we do this every day, completely unaware of how much time and energy it consumes.<\/p>\n
I myself wasn\u2019t aware of how many similar thoughts run through my head daily. What I haven\u2019t done, what I need to do, what I forgot…<\/p>\n
On top of that come the thoughts of not trying hard enough, that I could have worked half an hour longer, or spent another hour with Sofka…<\/p>\n
And when was the last time I wrote a new post?<\/p>\n
Yes, it has a name in science, which makes it real, tangible.<\/p>\n
No, it\u2019s not just you. It\u2019s all of us. And it\u2019s called Mental Load<\/strong>. And, surprise surprise, it\u2019s particularly characteristic for mothers.<\/p>\n I first became truly aware of it while reading the book Das Unwohlsein der modernen Mutter<\/em><\/a> (“The Discomfort of the Modern Mother,” free translation) by Mareice Kaiser:<\/p>\n “Mental load refers to the mental and organizational burden one must carry in order to maintain a functioning household and meet family obligations \u2013 a burden that often remains invisible to others.” (p. 87)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n As women, we are socially conditioned from an early age to care for others and are told that “multitasking” is a typical “superpower” of women, especially mothers. We feel strong and important when we manage to take care of everyone and everything.<\/a><\/p>\n We can do it all, and all at once.<\/p>\n But we\u2019re often unaware of just how overwhelming<\/strong> it is.<\/p>\n So no, it\u2019s not about women\u2019s superpowers or some obsession with control. It is a psychological burden we unconsciously begin to carry the moment we step into the role of a mother, as if it were a stylish accessory.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And then we wonder why we\u2019re so exhausted. Why we sometimes just can\u2019t go on.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why: because we “work” 24\/7, without pause and without the rest we desperately need.<\/strong><\/p>\n For so long, I believed my maternal multitasking was my superpower.<\/p>\n Nope. I’m not a control freak. Congratulations to me, I fell for it.<\/p>\n Well done patriarchy, well done.<\/p>\n I know that my relationship with Marko is not like most marriages today. Even after 12 years of marriage, it\u2019s perfectly natural for us to take turns doing housework, taking care of Sofka and Benny, and looking after each other \u2013 it\u2019s just how we function.<\/p>\n If he sees the laundry basket is full, he simply does the laundry.<\/p>\n If I see the trash can is full, I take it out.<\/p>\n But unfortunately, he still hasn\u2019t learned how to read my mind.<\/p>\n And that is one of the biggest misconceptions of our time \u2013 that a partner should just know what you need or what\u2019s bothering you.<\/strong><\/p>\n I always thought we communicated well and shared responsibilities in our life together. But only after reading that book did I realize how much invisible mental effort I put in, completely unaware I was doing it.<\/p>\n As life often has it, just as I was starting to learn about mental load, one day over coffee, Marko suddenly said:<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I noticed you’re always the one who organizes Sofka\u2019s doctor appointments. I have no idea when her next eye check-up is, or the dentist.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInteresting that you noticed. I scheduled the first couple of appointments out of habit, and then just kept doing it. But honestly, it\u2019s a burden to constantly have to think of everything… Speaking of which, I should probably tell you that I usually start going over everything in my head the moment I wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, no wonder you’re exhausted by 8 PM! Hey, I’m here, how can I help? I’ll take over the doctor appointments!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And just like that, a bit of the weight lifted from my shoulders.<\/strong><\/p>\n Good organization<\/strong> doesn\u2019t eliminate the feeling of mental load, but it can ease it to some extent.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy remember when you can write it down<\/strong>\u201d is my motto. It reduces mental chaos significantly \u2013 but unfortunately doesn\u2019t remove it completely.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n We went a step further as a family. To make planning easier, Marko and I share a Google Calendar on our phones with all important family and individual appointments.<\/p>\n A good friend once said, while trying to find a free evening for a board game night:<\/p>\n \u201cYour calendar looks like Tetris, with all those entries and colors! How do you even keep track of it all?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n But when I look at our family calendar, I don\u2019t see chaos \u2013 I see structure. I don\u2019t even have to read the entries: just by the color I know whose event it is, and when we as a family are free for additional activities, like playing games with friends.<\/p>\n Of course, there\u2019s a whole color system behind it. Sofka\u2019s events are apricot-colored, mine are purple, Marko\u2019s light blue, family events are yellow, and the very important ones \u2013 like doctor visits \u2013 are red. And no, I\u2019m not the only one adding events; we both do it.<\/p>\n Marko always knows when Sofka has her next check-up, or when I have plans to go to the movies with colleagues \u2013 just like I know when he goes to yoga or plays PlayStation with friends.<\/p>\n But even with all that organization and functioning as a team, it wasn\u2019t until I read that book that I realized \u2013 yes, my feminism lives in our relationship, but I am still a victim of the mental load that mothers face.<\/strong><\/p>\n Because I am the one who keeps track of whether all medical appointments are scheduled, whether birthday parties are remembered, and gifts for them bought.<\/p>\n When during the school week Sofka needs to bring her ice skating gear; whether I gave her money for the theater trip; or signed the release form for her photo to be posted on the school website.<\/p>\n There are also the vet visits, the vaccines, and the dog\u2019s medication.<\/p>\n Plus organizing enough playdates and holiday activities for our child to make sure she\u2019s not bored \u2013 but not overwhelmed either \u2013 and still has time for rest, free play, even boredom. Yes, mothers think of that too. I do.<\/p>\n And no, this isn\u2019t about saying that caring for my family or friends is a burden.<\/p>\n On the contrary \u2013 I chose to be a mother and a wife. But I don\u2019t remember signing up for the constant mental overload and never-ending guilt.<\/strong><\/p>\n Is mental load one of those \u201cside effects\u201d listed in the fine print of the marriage contract?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Or did we, like in Goethe\u2019s Faust<\/em>, sign an invisible pact with the devil the moment we agreed to bring a child into this world?<\/p>\n Only in our case, the sneaky devil is even worse \u2013 it\u2019s patriarchy.<\/strong><\/p>\n Unlike Faust, we have a way out \u2013 and we can find it ourselves, or better yet, together with our partners if we have them.<\/p>\n All the emotional and mental labor we contribute is far from visible \u2013 and even farther from respected.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Let alone compensated.<\/p>\n I was shocked to learn that until the early days of capitalism, household work and care for the family were seen as equal in value to work outside the home. Because someone had to do both.<\/p>\n Silvia Federici writes about this in Caliban and the Witch<\/em>.<\/a> Before capitalism, in feudal communities, women participated in various aspects of production and had access to shared resources.<\/p>\n Federici emphasizes that women had a certain degree of autonomy back then, and their work was visible and appreciated within the community.<\/p>\n But with capitalism came a systematic devaluation of women\u2019s work. It created a new division of labor, pushing women into the unpaid sphere of domestic labor and reproduction \u2013 making their contribution invisible and undervalued.<\/p>\n Physical labor \u2013 or lack of it \u2013 is measurable.<\/strong><\/p>\n If someone doesn\u2019t do the dishes, you see them piling up in the sink.<\/p>\n But mental labor? It\u2019s invisible.<\/strong> That\u2019s why many don\u2019t realize they\u2019re doing it \u2013 or others don\u2019t recognize its weight.<\/p>\n And that\u2019s the trick with mental load. There\u2019s no switch to turn it off. No blinking red light to show others that your mind is in overdrive.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n That\u2019s why the first step is awareness \u2013 recognizing it in ourselves so we can begin to manage it.<\/p>\n To reduce the burden to a pile. And then maybe, one day, to nothing.<\/p>\n To silence the noise in our heads,<\/strong> to calm the endless to-do lists.<\/p>\n So that once they\u2019re written on paper or entered into a calendar \u2013 they stay there.<\/p>\n That is the goal.<\/p>\n The first step toward change is recognizing the problem. The second is changing how we talk about it.<\/p>\n As long as we say our partners \u201chelp\u201d with the house or childrearing, we\u2019re reinforcing the idea that it\u2019s all our job.<\/p>\n We don\u2019t need help. We need partnership.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n The house isn\u2019t mine. The child isn\u2019t mine. It\u2019s ours.<\/p>\n We need a teammate. A co-pilot. A partner.<\/strong><\/p>\n And when we shift our perspective and our vocabulary, we need to change how we communicate too \u2013 calmly and clearly saying:<\/p>\n \u201cHey, I can\u2019t do this anymore. Could you handle this, while I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n Because no matter how magical we are, we can\u2019t enchant<\/a> our partners into reading our minds and anticipating our needs.<\/p>\n Yes, it would be great \u2013 but reality is anything but magical.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/smama.blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/MRK09986-min-683x1024.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n“Superpower\u201d or chronic overload?<\/h2>\n
From chaos to color-coded calendars<\/h2>\n
Mental spin cycle, uninterrupted<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/smama.blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/ChatGPT-Image-11.-Mai-2025-15_43_11-min-683x1024.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWe don\u2019t need help \u2013 we need equality.<\/h2>\n