{"id":6643,"date":"2025-04-19T12:43:19","date_gmt":"2025-04-19T10:43:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/?p=6643"},"modified":"2026-10-21T17:47:50","modified_gmt":"2026-10-21T15:47:50","slug":"working-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/en\/working-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"Mom at Home, Mom at Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mom at home, mom at work: where does the role of \u201cmom\u201d begin, and does it ever end? Or, on my need to take care of everyone, always and everywhere.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

On a perfectly ordinary day at the office, after the usual situation where a colleague complained to me that he had a headache and I automatically offered him at least three kinds of tea and two kinds of painkillers, another colleague asked me, completely casually:<\/p>\n

So, Mima, what\u2019s it like being a mom both at home and at work?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

First I laughed wholeheartedly, because the two of us have such an easygoing relationship and joke with each other about all sorts of things. And then I stopped to think, and as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over me, I realized: wait, he\u2019s completely right!<\/p>\n

And no, it\u2019s not really funny, or cute.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m someone who has always taken care of others.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As the older sister, of course I\u2019ve looked after my sister all my life and always tried to be there for her and help her. That\u2019s my duty as the older sister, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Then I became a mom, which means that I take on the care of my family<\/strong>, that is, of my child above all, because that\u2019s what the role of a mom is, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

My friends need me: Mima to the rescue!<\/strong><\/p>\n

My current job is helping people who have problems with software<\/strong>, and I\u2019ve found my feet in that role really well, because, surprise surprise, I\u2019m a natural at helping others<\/em>.<\/p>\n

At work I have great colleagues and a really good relationship with almost everyone.<\/p>\n

A colleague didn\u2019t sleep well: \u201chey, I have a great tea, want some?\u201d<\/p>\n

A colleague has a headache: \u201chey, I have ibuprofen in my drawer, want one?\u201d<\/p>\n

A colleague feels like he\u2019s coming down with something: \u201chey, make yourself tea from fresh ginger and put some lemon in it, you\u2019ll feel better instantly!\u201d<\/p>\n

Not to mention my open door and my always open ear for work and private problems. I often like to joke at my own expense that I unofficially run a counseling service at work.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s just my nature, I like being there for others and helping when I can. And I enjoy it.
\nThat\u2019s my superpower.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Or so I thought.<\/p>\n

So Tobi\u2019s comment wasn\u2019t just cute to me, I took it as a kind of compliment. Hey, I\u2019m the one who takes care of others, and it shows.<\/p>\n

But then I read Dr. Gabor Mat\u00e9\u2019s book \u201cWhen the Body Says No\u201d<\/a> and made a very painful discovery. No, my need to help others isn\u2019t a superpower, it\u2019s an obstacle.<\/p>\n

Putting other people\u2019s needs before your own isn\u2019t a positive trait, it\u2019s a sure path to suppressing yourself and your own needs, and a ticket to one of the autoimmune diseases\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Ouch\u2026<\/p>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

A chronic people pleaser:<\/strong> that\u2019s me<\/h2>\n

A slap in the face of sorts. And the need to take a hard look at myself.
\nIn his book, Dr. Mat\u00e9 gives numerous arguments and examples in which I didn\u2019t just recognize myself one to one, but also my mother, my grandmother and many mothers I know.<\/p>\n

In one chapter Dr. Mat\u00e9 even says that many people put the needs of others before their own to such an extent that at some point the body can no longer tell where it ends and where others begin<\/em>, which means it recognizes the needs of others as its own.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I love that part of me that selflessly helps others. Being kind and warm toward people really is a superpower, and it\u2019s more than needed these days. In fact, it\u2019s essential.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying we should all walk around like grumpy old folks, frowning, or like cold robots who only look out for themselves. But even kindness and willingness to help others need to have limits, especially when you start neglecting yourself and your basic needs for the sake of others<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about all the \u201cshould\u201d, \u201cit\u2019s the right thing to do\u201d and \u201cnever mind, I\u2019ll do it\u201d. I\u2019m sure you know exactly what I mean, because we all do it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s one thing to offer someone the tools to solve a problem themselves, and something completely different to jump in to rescue them and sort out the situation for them. I do both.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take our relationship with our own children as an example.<\/p>\n

Modern psychology advocates that we shouldn\u2019t rescue even our own children and solve things for them, but equip them with skills that will help them solve their problems on their own.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

For example, a child is putting Lego bricks together, and one piece just won\u2019t fit, no matter how hard they try. You can see that they only need to turn the brick and it will fall into place. The child starts getting very emotional and upset that they can\u2019t manage it.<\/p>\n

Instead of taking the brick and putting it in correctly, in that situation you should calmly say something like \u201cyes, I can see this is frustrating you, so what do you think about trying a different way of getting that brick into that spot?\u201d<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

And boom, the child starts turning the brick<\/a> this way and that, and click, it fits perfectly.<\/p>\n

No lessons are learned if we take over and solve their problem with an impatient \u201cnever mind, I\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The same goes for adults, whether in private life or at work.<\/p>\n

When a colleague asks \u201coh, could you please help me for a sec\u201d, which between the lines means \u201cright now, no matter what you\u2019re doing at the moment\u201d, instead of jumping in you smile and say<\/p>\n

\u201csorry, I have to finish what I\u2019m working on right now, and as soon as I get the chance, I\u2019ll be glad to hear about your problem.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And only when you\u2019re done with your own task, you don\u2019t go and solve your colleague\u2019s problem and take his task on yourself, but help him find the solution on his own, or show him with an example how it\u2019s done.<\/strong> But he has to do it<\/em> himself.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Otherwise you\u2019ll not only be so swamped with other people\u2019s obligations and tasks that you won\u2019t get to your own, but your colleagues will also think they can always delegate to you the things that are hard for them or that they don\u2019t want to do. <\/em><\/p>\n

And then it\u2019s only a matter of time before you\u2019re so swamped with work that you burn out, start feeling physically unwell and get sick.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s exactly why it\u2019s important that we learn to set boundaries. And yes, you should be kind and ready to help, but first of all, we have to take care of ourselves.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That\u2019s why Dr. Mat\u00e9\u2019s book wasn\u2019t the only one that mattered for this realization; maybe even more so did Mel Robbins\u2019 book \u201cThe Let Them Theory\u201d<\/a>, which gives very practical tools for how to set boundaries and simply let people be.<\/p>\n

Simply: Let them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mom at work<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m someone who overhears a colleague complaining that she doesn\u2019t know if she\u2019ll make it to lunch, she\u2019s so hungry, and since I always have something to eat stashed away just in case, I automatically rush over to her with a protein bar and say \u201chere, this will get you through to lunch\u201d.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s all very nice, I know. And I feel good that I can help. But where is the line?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s one thing when someone asks you for help, and something else entirely when you \u201cpush\u201d yourself in to rescue someone.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yes, I\u2019m a \u201csuper mom\u201d. But do I have to be a super mom, always, everywhere and to everyone?<\/p>\n

The painful truth is, no, I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

And I know it will be very hard to learn to let go and stop running around like crazy. For my own good, I have to learn. Because I\u2019m only Sofka\u2019s mom.<\/p>\n

And Mel says, and she\u2019s completely right, adults don\u2019t need to be rescued<\/strong>, and that\u2019s exactly the main difference between adults and children. Adults should know how to rescue themselves, and if they don\u2019t, they should look for help, but not have someone take things over for them completely.<\/p>\n

Self-sacrificing mothers don\u2019t complain<\/h2>\n

The role of the mother in the Balkan context,<\/strong> which we take on automatically when our child is born, looking at all the mothers around us, means identifying with the role of the victim<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

let mom do it<\/em>; I don\u2019t have to eat, <\/em>as long as there\u2019s enough for you<\/em>; I don\u2019t need anything<\/em>, you buy what you want<\/em>\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This way of functioning is carved so deeply into our subconscious that we don\u2019t know how, or don\u2019t want, to put ourselves and our needs first, to the point that we would rather get seriously ill than have someone, God forbid<\/em>, call us selfish<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And even then we don\u2019t want to complain, so we won\u2019t be a burden to others. Because we\u2019re the ones who are supposed to be there for others and serve, because we are mothers.<\/p>\n

\"A<\/a><\/p>\n

My grandmother never once in her life complained about her health or the circumstances she lived in; she was always there for us, for my grandfather, for the whole family.<\/p>\n

Just one day she casually mentioned that \u201cher stomach hurt a bit\u201d. Luckily, my dad took her to the doctor right away. Unfortunately, it was already too late. Only a few months later, she was gone.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I now can\u2019t help but wonder: how would things have turned out if she had said \u201cno\u201d more often, if she had taken care of herself here and there, done something \u201cselfish\u201d that felt good to her, no matter what the rest of the family would say?<\/p>\n

If she had gone to the doctor more regularly, or at least complained the first time she felt \u201csomething strange in her stomach\u201d? Would she now be able to watch Sofka grow up and enjoy her?<\/strong><\/p>\n

And then there\u2019s my mom, who suffers from every possible and impossible kind of allergy and a severe form of asthma. Now that I\u2019m actively thinking about it, I realize that she actually has her worst asthma attacks exactly when she\u2019s under a lot of stress.<\/p>\n

But she\u2019s a mom, and a strong woman, who also doesn\u2019t want to worry anyone<\/strong>. But who, without fail, takes care not only of all of us, but also of her mother, her sister and her family, all her friends, relatives, cousins, neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances\u2026<\/p>\n

Everyone who knows my mom can confirm that they have never met a warmer person in their life. Always ready to help, whatever is needed. All the people mentioned above will always call my mom first, whatever they need, because they know she will always jump in to help that very moment.<\/p>\n

My mom is good to everyone except herself. And her body is telling her so, screaming it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And I don\u2019t blame her, I finally understand. She was forced far too early to take on the role of the one who takes care of others, and she left herself on the shelf. Because she too is a mom, at home and at work, among friends and in the family, everywhere.<\/p>\n

Of course I recognize in myself that I learned by her example. And I\u2019m proud that I grew up and learned from such strong women, they are my idols. But I think it\u2019s important, as in many areas of life, to stop and ask myself do I want Sofka to be like that too?<\/em><\/p>\n

Do I want her to always put the needs of others first, no matter how important they are in her life or not, and in doing so passively put herself last. <\/em><\/p>\n

Because we are strong women?<\/em><\/p>\n

No!<\/p>\n

We urgently need to change the narrative in which being a \u201cstrong woman<\/strong>\u201d means being \u201ca woman who stays silent and endures\u201d.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When the body says NO<\/em><\/h2>\n

This is especially hard for women, because if we set boundaries and say no<\/em> to someone, especially at work, we usually get labeled \u201cgrumpy\u201d, \u201csharp-tongued\u201d and other far from positive adjectives\u2026<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s exactly where the problem lies. We learned to be nice and good and helpful to everyone even when it\u2019s to our own detriment<\/strong>, because who wants people to think of them as a \u201cwitch\u201d or a \u201cbitch\u201d.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve noticed, but men don\u2019t have this problem, at least not at work. They are labeled \u201cdecisive\u201d in the same situations in which we are \u201cbitches\u201d.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m glad that at 35 I realized \u201cearly\u201d that I have to stop.<\/p>\n

That I have to learn to set boundaries and say \u201cno\u201d. Whether to Sofka, Marko, my parents, my sister, friends, colleagues.<\/p>\n

I have to learn to say \u201cno\u201d when I know something won\u2019t feel good to me, where until now I would always do it.<\/p>\n

I have to stop jumping in and helping where no one even asked me for help.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have to, and I shouldn\u2019t, rescue everyone, always and everywhere! I have to learn to let go.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And it\u2019s hard for me to say no<\/em>, because I don\u2019t want to hurt anyone\u2019s feelings, because I don\u2019t want to let anyone down, especially if my help is \u201cnecessary\u201d and if I know an \u201ceasier way\u201d.<\/p>\n

And then one unspoken \u201cno\u201d after another, and surprise surprise, bam: migraine.<\/p>\n

Where did that come from, I\u2019m not under stress?<\/p>\n

Well, that\u2019s where!<\/p>\n

A migraine is my body\u2019s way of telling me \u201chello, enough\u201d, when I don\u2019t get it in time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And that\u2019s exactly why I want to learn to look after myself more, and be \u201cmom to anyone and everyone\u201d less.<\/p>\n

The world won\u2019t end if I don\u2019t stick my nose into every pot. Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries are essential for mental and physical health.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m taking small steps. I don\u2019t make any plans on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, those are my training days, and lately everyone knows it.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help everyone at work, especially not right here and now, because then not only do my own tasks suffer, but I also get stressed about it, both because I didn\u2019t help my colleagues and because I didn\u2019t get my own work done.<\/p>\n

And what\u2019s the result? A migraine, of course.<\/p>\n

And then I\u2019m neither able to do my own work nor to help others, because I have to lie in the dark and wait for the terrible pain to simply pass. And who benefits from that? Not me first of all, and then of course not anyone around me either.<\/p>\n

Baby steps. At work I\u2019ve started setting my status on my phone to \u201cbusy\u201d<\/strong> so I can get my own work done instead of always being available to my colleagues.<\/p>\n

The other morning, when I walked into the office, a new colleague asked me right at the door if I could help him with something quickly, and I hadn\u2019t even taken my jacket off yet. I said \u201cfirst of all, good morning, and second, if I find the time during the day, I\u2019ll gladly help you, but I can\u2019t right now, sorry<\/strong>\u201d. Of course I don\u2019t want to be unpleasant, and I can\u2019t change my nature from the ground up.<\/p>\n

But I have to learn to polish that \u201cnice\u201d nature of mine and, despite it, say \u201cno, sorry\u201d.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not a bad person, or a bad mother, or a bad friend if you say \u201csorry, I can\u2019t\u201d. And no, you don\u2019t owe anyone an explanation for why you can\u2019t. \u201cNo\u201d is a complete sentence.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I want my child to learn not to be there for others first and only then, if there\u2019s time, for herself! Because if we don\u2019t take care of ourselves, no one will do it for us.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because I want to grow very old in good health and enjoy life, I have to learn not to be \u201cmom\u201d to everyone, all the time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Above all, I have to learn to let go, to say no and to put myself high on my list of priorities.<\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t easy, but I\u2019m determined to work on it and to learn.<\/p>\n

Keep your fingers crossed for me.<\/p>\n

Warmly,<\/p>\n

S-Mama<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Mom at home, mom at work: where does the role […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7790,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1056,828],"tags":[1992,1358,2240,1168,1362],"class_list":["post-6643","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mother","category-witch","tag-boundaries","tag-burnout","tag-mental-load","tag-motherhood","tag-people-pleasing"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Moms Can't Stop People-Pleasing | S-Mama<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I thought helping everyone was my superpower, until my body said no. 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