{"id":6643,"date":"2025-04-19T12:43:19","date_gmt":"2025-04-19T10:43:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/?p=6643"},"modified":"2026-01-04T17:14:01","modified_gmt":"2026-01-04T16:14:01","slug":"working-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smama.blog\/en\/working-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"Mom at Home, Mom at Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mom at Home, Mom at Work \u2013 Where Does the Role of \u2018Mom\u2019 Begin and Does It Ever Really End? Or: On the Constant Need to Care for Everyone, Always and Everywhere.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

It was just another ordinary day at the office when, a colleague mentioned he had a headache. As usual, I automatically offered at least three types of tea and two kinds of painkillers. That\u2019s when another colleague, completely casually, asked:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cHey Mima, what\u2019s it like being a mom both at home and at work?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

At first, I laughed heartily. We have a close, friendly relationship and often joke about all kinds of things. But then, it hit me\u2014like a bucket of ice water.<\/p>\n

Wait… he\u2019s absolutely right.<\/p>\n

And no, it\u2019s not funny or cute.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always been someone who takes care of others.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As an older sister, it\u2019s been my lifelong duty to look after my younger sister\u2014help her whenever and however I can, whether it’s possible or not. That\u2019s what big sisters are for, right?<\/p>\n

Then I became a mom, which naturally means putting my family, especially my child, first<\/strong>\u2014because that\u2019s the mom role, right?<\/p>\n

My friends need me\u2014Mima to the rescue!<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

My current job is helping people with software issues, and surprise, surprise\u2014I\u2019m great<\/em> at it. Turns out I\u2019m a natural at helping others.<\/strong><\/p>\n

At work, I have great colleagues and a solid relationship with pretty much everyone.<\/p>\n

A coworker didn\u2019t sleep well? \u201cHey, I have the perfect tea for that\u2014want some?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Someone\u2019s got a headache? \u201cHey, I\u2019ve got ibuprofen in my drawer\u2014need one?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

A colleague\u2019s feeling under the weather? \u201cBrew some fresh ginger tea with lemon\u2014it\u2019ll make you feel better instantly!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Not to mention my always-open door and ears for both work-related and personal problems. I often joke that I unofficially run a counseling office at work.<\/p>\n

\n

That\u2019s just who I am\u2014I genuinely enjoy being there for others. That\u2019s my superpower.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Or so I thought.<\/p>\n

Toby\u2019s comment didn\u2019t just make me smile\u2014it felt like a compliment. Hey, I\u2019m the one who takes care of people, and it shows!<\/em><\/p>\n

But then I read Dr. Gabor Mat\u00e9\u2019s book \u201cWhen the Body Says No\u201d<\/em><\/a>, and what I discovered hit hard: No, my need to help isn\u2019t a superpower\u2014it\u2019s a barrier.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Putting others\u2019 needs before my own isn’t a virtue\u2014it\u2019s a recipe for losing myself and a straight road to burnout and even autoimmune diseases…<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Ouch.<\/p>\n

\"mama<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a chronic people-pleaser<\/h2>\n

It was a wake-up call. Dr. Mat\u00e9 gives countless examples, and I saw myself reflected in every one of them. Not just me\u2014I saw my mom, my grandmother, and so many mothers I know.<\/p>\n

He even writes that some people go so far in putting others first that their body no longer recognizes where they<\/em> end and where others<\/em> begin. Other people\u2019s needs become their own.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I love that part of myself that selflessly helps others<\/strong>. Kindness and empathy are superpowers\u2014more essential than ever. But even kindness needs boundaries\u2014especially when it starts coming at the cost of your own needs.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about all the \u201cshoulds,\u201d \u201coughts,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019ll do it\u201d moments. I know you know what I mean\u2014we all do this.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a big difference between giving someone the tools<\/em> to solve a problem and constantly jumping in to save<\/em> them. I do both.<\/p>\n

Take parenting, for example.<\/p>\n

\n

Modern psychology, which I actively follow, teaches that we shouldn\u2019t \u201csave\u201d our children by solving problems for them, but instead equip them with the skills<\/em> to solve problems themselves.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Let\u2019s say your kid is building something with Legos and just can\u2019t get a piece to fit. You can see exactly what needs to be done\u2014it just needs to be turned. The child gets frustrated and emotional.<\/p>\n

\n

Instead of grabbing the piece and fixing it, you say calmly:
\u201cI see that\u2019s frustrating. What do you think would happen if you tried turning it a different way?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

And boom\u2014they try, they figure it out, and the piece clicks into place.<\/p>\n

\n

No one learns when we take over and impatiently say, \u201cHere, let me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The same goes for adults\u2014whether at home or at work.<\/p>\n

So instead of immediately jumping in when a colleague says, \u201cHey, can you quickly help me?\u201d<\/em> (which usually means \u201cright now, regardless of what you\u2019re doing\u201d), I now smile and say:<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, I have to finish what I\u2019m working on right now, but I\u2019d be happy to help once I\u2019m done.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

And then, I help them find the solution\u2014not by doing the task for<\/em> them, but by guiding them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Otherwise, you\u2019ll drown in everyone else\u2019s to-do list while your own suffers. And then what? You burn out. You get sick.<\/p>\n

\n

That\u2019s why learning to set boundaries is crucial. <\/strong>Yes, be kind and helpful\u2014but protect yourself first.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Dr. Mat\u00e9\u2019s book helped me realize this. And so did Mel Robbins\u2019 book \u201cThe Let Them Theory\u201d<\/em>,<\/a> which gave me practical tools to actually set<\/em> those boundaries and simply let people… be.<\/p>\n

Just let them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Mom at Work<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m the kind of person who hears a coworker mention she\u2019s starving before lunch, and immediately runs over with a snack bar from my stash and says, \u201cHere, this\u2019ll hold you over.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

That\u2019s sweet, I know. And it feels good to help. But where\u2019s the line?<\/p>\n

\n

It\u2019s one thing to offer help when asked. It\u2019s another to push<\/em> yourself in and \u201csave\u201d people unsolicited.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Yes, I\u2019m a \u201csuper mom.\u201d
But do I really have to be a super mom\u2014to everyone, everywhere, all the time?<\/p>\n

Painful truth? No, I don\u2019t.<\/strong><\/p>\n

And I know it\u2019ll be hard to stop running around like a madwoman, jumping in to help at every turn. But for my own sake\u2014I need to.
Because I\u2019m only<\/em> Sofka\u2019s mom.<\/p>\n

And as Mel says\u2014and she\u2019s absolutely right\u2014adults aren\u2019t supposed to be rescued.<\/strong> That\u2019s the whole point. Adults are supposed to be capable of helping themselves<\/em>. And if they\u2019re not, they can ask\u2014but not expect someone to take over entirely.<\/p>\n

Selfless Mothers Don\u2019t Complain<\/h2>\n

In the Balkans, motherhood is so intertwined with self-sacrifice it\u2019s practically automatic<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cLet mom do it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need food, as long as you all eat.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want anything, just get what you like\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

This is so deeply rooted in us that we\u2019d rather fall seriously ill than risk being labeled \u201cselfish.\u201d<\/p>\n

And even then\u2014we still won\u2019t complain. Because we\u2019re the ones who are supposed<\/em> to serve and support. We\u2019re moms.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My grandmother never complained. Not about her health or life circumstances. She was always there\u2014for my grandfather, for us, for everyone. One day, she casually mentioned some stomach pain. Luckily, my dad took her to the doctor right away. Unfortunately, it was already too late. She passed away a few months later.<\/p>\n

So now I wonder\u2014what if she\u2019d said \u201cno\u201d more often? What if she had taken care of herself, done \u201cselfish\u201d things just because they brought her joy? Would she still be here to see Sofka grow?<\/p>\n

And then there\u2019s my mom\u2014who suffers from every imaginable allergy and a severe form of asthma. Now that I\u2019m thinking about it, her worst asthma attacks always come during intense stress.<\/p>\n

But she\u2019s a mom. A strong woman. She doesn\u2019t want to worry anyone.
Yet she worries for everyone<\/em>\u2014me, my dad, her mom, her sister, her friends, family, neighbors, coworkers\u2026<\/p>\n

Anyone who knows my mom will tell you she\u2019s the kindest person they\u2019ve ever met.<\/strong> Always ready to help. That\u2019s why everyone always calls her\u2014because they know she\u2019ll come running.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s wonderful\u2014to everyone but herself.
And her body is screaming that.<\/p>\n

And I don\u2019t blame her. I finally<\/em> understand. She took on the caretaker role too young and left herself behind.<\/p>\n

Because she\u2019s also a mom\u2014at home, at work, in friendships, in the family\u2014everywhere.<\/p>\n

Of course, I see myself repeating the same pattern.
And I\u2019m proud of growing up with such strong women\u2014they\u2019re my heroes.<\/p>\n

But I need to stop and ask myself:<\/p>\n

Do I want Sofka to grow up like that, too? <\/strong><\/p>\n

To always put others first, even at her own expense?<\/p>\n

Because that\u2019s what \u201cstrong women\u201d do?<\/p>\n

No!<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

We need to change the narrative\u2014being a \u201cstrong woman\u201d shouldn\u2019t mean being silent and suffering.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

When the Body Says No<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s especially hard for women to set boundaries\u2014especially at work. When we say \u201cno,\u201d we\u2019re seen as \u201crude\u201d or \u201cbossy.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the real problem. We were raised to be nice and helpful\u2014even when it hurts us.<\/strong>
Because who wants to be seen as \u201ccold\u201d or \u201ca bitch\u201d?<\/p>\n

\n

Ever notice how men don\u2019t have this issue?
At work, they\u2019re \u201cdecisive.\u201d
We\u2019re \u201cdifficult.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

At 35, I\u2019m glad I\u2019ve learned this lesson \u201cearly\u201d:<\/p>\n

I have to stop.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have to learn to say \u201cno.\u201d To Sofka, Marko, my parents, my sister, friends, coworkers…<\/p>\n

I have to stop volunteering for things that drain me.
Stop rescuing people who haven\u2019t even asked for help.<\/p>\n

\n

I don\u2019t have to<\/strong> save everyone, everywhere, all the time.
I need to learn to let go.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

And it\u2019s hard\u2014because I don\u2019t want to hurt anyone\u2019s feelings. I don\u2019t want to disappoint anyone. Especially when my help is \u201cneeded\u201d and I know an \u201ceasier\u201d way.<\/p>\n

But every unspoken \u201cno\u201d adds up.
And then\u2014migraine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why? I wasn\u2019t stressed…<\/p>\n

Or was I?<\/strong><\/p>\n

My body says: Enough.<\/em><\/p>\n

So I want to learn to take better care of myself\u2014and stop being \u201cmom\u201d to everyone.<\/p>\n

The world won\u2019t end if I don\u2019t jump in every time.
Self-care and boundaries are essential for health.<\/p>\n

Baby Steps<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m starting small. No plans on Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Saturdays\u2014those are my workout days.
And now everyone<\/em> knows that.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help everyone at work, especially not right now.<\/em> Otherwise, my own work suffers and I stress over both<\/em> things.<\/p>\n

The result? Migraine.<\/p>\n

And when that happens\u2014I can\u2019t help anyone. I lie in the dark, waiting for the pain to pass.<\/p>\n

Who does that serve?<\/p>\n

Not me. Not anyone.<\/p>\n

So now I put my phone on busy<\/em> mode during deep work hours.<\/p>\n

Just the other day, a new colleague stopped me at the office door, asking for help before I even took my coat off. I said,<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cFirst of all\u2014good morning. Second, I\u2019ll be happy to help if I can, but not right now. I need to finish a few things first.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I don\u2019t want to be rude. I can\u2019t change my nature entirely.
But I need to polish<\/em> it. And say \u201cno,\u201d kindly but clearly.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not a bad person\u2014or a bad mom or friend\u2014if you say, \u201cSorry, I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

You don\u2019t owe anyone an explanation.
\u201cNo\u201d is a complete sentence.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Because I want my child to know it\u2019s okay to put herself first.
Because I want to live a long, healthy life and enjoy<\/em> it.<\/p>\n

\n

If you don\u2019t protect yourself\u2014no one else will.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I have to stop being \u201cmom\u201d to the whole world.<\/p>\n

I have to learn to say \u201cno.\u201d
To let go.
To put myself<\/em> at the top of the list.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy\u2014but I\u2019m committed.<\/p>\n

Wish me luck.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Warmly,<\/p>\n

S-Mama<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Mom at Home, Mom at Work \u2013 Where Does the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6634,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[858,828,1056],"tags":[1992,1205,1358,2237,2233,1463,891,1361,1494,1270,2239,2230,1359,1447,2240,2094,1449,1994,1107,1524,2234,1357,1168,2231,1450,1362,1925,1452,2242,2235,1212,2238,1061,1360,2232,2241,2236,924],"class_list":["post-6643","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-myth-busting","category-s-mima-en","category-super-mama-en","tag-boundaries","tag-briga-o-sebi-en","tag-burnout","tag-burnout-and-autoimmune-disease","tag-caregiver-role","tag-emotional-labor","tag-feminism-en","tag-feminist","tag-feminizam-en","tag-gender-roles","tag-gender-roles-at-work","tag-invisible-labor","tag-let-them","tag-majcinstvo-en","tag-mental-load","tag-mental-load-of-mothers","tag-mentalni-teret-en","tag-modern-motherhood","tag-modern-parenthood","tag-modern-parenting","tag-mom-at-home","tag-mom-at-work","tag-motherhood","tag-motherhood-and-burnout","tag-nevidljivi-rad-en","tag-people-pleasing","tag-personal-essay","tag-roditeljstvo-en","tag-s-mama","tag-saying-no-without-guilt","tag-self-care-en","tag-self-care-and-boundaries","tag-super-mama-en","tag-when-body-says-no","tag-women-and-boundaries","tag-womens-health","tag-womens-health-and-stress","tag-working-mom-en"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMom at Home, Mom at Work - S-Mama Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A powerful personal essay about the mental load women carry everywhere\u2014at home, at work, and in relationships. 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